OK, for starters.
Stories have one chance to grab the reader and make them intrigued, make them want to read more and find out what happens next. Your opening line(s) should be attention grabbing, interesting, and sharp.
Yours aren't. I was immediately put off by them.
Your story is also sparse. 'I did that. He did this. Then I did that. Then he did this. This happened. That happened.' There's zero emotion, fluff, or description in much of it, and even what's supposed to be 'funny' or 'emotive' often comes off as flat and bland.
Like, look at your ending:
_____________
“Wait,” I said.
“Yep,” said the voice, howling like a jackal.
O....k. Now, try this.
______
"Wait," I said, my hand frozen in the air, dead- I was still holding the gun, but I couldn't feel it. That wasn't possible. That isn't possible. There had been someone behind me. I'd heard their voice, their footsteps, felt their presence. "Wait, that's impossible."
"It is." Said the voice, thick with a malicious amusement, and then laughed, howled, like a hyena, like a jackal, the air echoing with the sound.
_________
Hear how much better that sounds? We've put some feeling into it, the thoughts of the protagonist to give us a bit of connection with him, rather then it just being a flat, monotone, unemotional 'hey, wait'. 'lol yeah'.
We know nothing about your protagonist and have no reason to care about them. Also, this world doesn't seem to considering the supernatural 'normal', so why the hell is your MC so chill that he's suddenly interacting with ghosts? His biggest reaction has been a dull surprised 'oh. wow.'
_______
You've got some potential here- the 'freeze, punk' 'I froze. Like a punk.' thing made me giggle out loud. A few lines got a chuckle out of me, actually. But your pacing is rushed and haphazard and your writing so sparse that it feels like you're too busy trying to get to 'the good stuff' to give us meat with our potatos.
|
|