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16 Public Reviews Given
16 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I saw this in the list of sponsored things and figured anything with an incel in it would be inflected with rage and entitlement--and therefore interesting...

And I wasn't disappointed!

This story relies on the first-person voice to carry it, and the voice/character does. I found it very well executed. He was everything the title promised--entitled, self-righteous, enraged and dangerous, and on and on. You did a great job with the litany of red-pill talking points and this being from earlier (~4 years) in the discourse makes it feel more authentic less too-on-the-nose than it might if it were full of up-to-the-minute Groyper memes or something.

Yes, Incel Guy is a stereotype, and yes his (lengthy) scroll of suffered affronts reads a bit like a greatest hits tape... but 1) that's how those guys sound and 2) there's enough specificity here that he didn't feel so much like a straw-man he wasn't engaging.

Awful guys are fun to read. He's an awful guy. He was fun to read!

The other thing was the closed circle of the chalk art reveal. You deftly raise the mystery of what exactly is it that he's drawn and then the reader gets carried away by his rant until, toward then end, I found myself going, "Oh, yeah... there was some art somewhere, right? I wonder what's up with that."

I'm ashamed to say that I didn't figure it out until the last four paragraphs or so when I saw the end coming and realized I was about to see the last part of a magic trick. The note about defunding the police earlier in the piece came together nicely and the finale. In my defense, I'm a bit slow, but then I get to enjoy simple tricks working for me and this one definitely worked on me--Delightful!

There were some other notes I liked because they fit perfectly, but felt specific enough to be authentic. His whole musical tastes (so girly!) thing and clever motif of the girls-like-astrology-ha-ha were done nicely.

The shift / reveal at the very end with the notes on decay, rats, worms, and the chalk left for the cops had the perfect visceral impact ending I think you were aiming for.

Nicely done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this because I driven by an insatiable hunger for Gift Points and it was sponsored. Also I liked the title and wanted to see what a thimble full of trouble was like.

Answer: Not so much trouble.

Works written for contests like this one tend to be long on atmosphere and short on plot and conflict/stakes--I'd say ATFoT had more stakes and plot than a lot of contest entries I've seen (to be fair, it also had 2k words to develop them in, which is more than a lot of contests).

It also had somewhat more character than a lot of very short works have, with three distinct voices, a bunch of lore and some rich descriptions of the gnome underground which I quite liked--the fairytale setting was nicely established.

I also liked the mythological references and the handling of exposition --although I found myself doubting that Flik was as completely unfamiliar with some of the foundations of his world as he's presented here... I can forgive a little exposition in a book for children, though, and like I said, it was handled fine and the actual story was charming enough to make up for slight awkwardness.

I also liked the simple caring solution to the problem; the crystal was lonely and getting her some flowers and companionship reboots the masquerade. As a story aimed at kids, it's not a bad way to solve things... the gnomes didn't need to kill anything.

I'm a bit at a loss for recommendations to make for contest entries. If this were trying to be a more traditional short-story I think I'd want to see more actual challenge and conflict and maybe make the middle section less exposition-heavy?

I'd also want to make the lonely, neglected, failing key to the entire Global Gnome Protection System seem less "two flights of stairs down, second door to the right" in distance. Given how important Ms. Crystal is, and how easy to get to she is, there's really no excuse for the gnomes locking her in the closet and forgetting about her for how many years?

I guess I'd also want to see the magic and whimsy relate more to some kind of real-world metaphor--in my experience supernatural elements work best if they stand in (to some degree) for aspects of the real world.

But all those personal preference things don't really connect with a piece written for a contest with specific length limits and directions. As it was, I enjoyed the prose and the description and found the world-building amusing and that's really all something like this needs to be!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Game Models  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this in the sponsored section and read it because the title made me curious.

My initial reaction was that despite being set in the future it felt a bit dated -- the AI felt far more like an old-school ML model than a modern LLM. Concepts like ARGs and gamification seemed less than cutting edge... and I kept expecting something deeply sinister to happen. After all, having an AI use algorithmic operant conditioning to run your life? Surely a terrible idea, right? When it ended in something less than tragedy I was confused. Had I missed something?

Yes.

This was written in 2019!

Okay, LM... re-read. But do it in context. Man those were different times, huh?

I found the techno-optimism refreshing (I work in technology, and do a lot with AI and online systems that aim to influence people's IRL behavior). I also like the diversity in the names which gave it an authentic but not alien feel. If the over-all idea wasn't as novel as the story presents it... well, reality caught up!

In my first read, I felt like it somewhat over-explained the concept and that's possibly true even for 6 years ago--gamification's been around a long time and I think most readers looking at sci-fi would catch on relatively quickly.

I also found it a little overly simple about how easily the concept would catch on--there are real limits to gamification's ability to drive behavior and get people to undertake hardship in the real world.

None of that has to be in a story, but I felt like like the "arc" was a more or less straight line from inception to world domination without much of a sense of conflict or challenge... this feels like it belongs in the 1940's / 1950's style sci-fi where a plucky young scientist uses science to change the world, and the crux of the story isn't character or conflict, but the central idea.

As such, I think it probably gets the job done. Could it be a little shorter? Probably--but it didn't really overstay its welcome or anything.

If you ever feel like revisiting it, I'd be curious to see if you feel like you'd write the same story 6 years later. If I'm reading the details right, you modified it earlier this year (March?) -- what changed? And did the significant advances in technology and the emerging concerns about how inviting AI to be deeply connected with and driving people's lives still feel as compelling now as they did at the turn of the decade?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Odds of Irony  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I got this clicking Read and Review until it gave me a short story to read and, um. You know. I see this came from 2013 -- a simpler time. We were so young back then!

This seems like it might have been a response to a prompt or contest, maybe about a coincidence? Two characters with the same name run into each other? Something like that?

There was also the role-reversal where the guy is objectivized by the female gaze and isn't especially appreciative. That didn't really fit with the "hey, we're both Robi/yn Evans!" coincidence though--those two aspects were more like parallel lines, existing side by side but never intersecting.

I assume that it fit whatever the assignment was, but as an independent narrative, it didn't really close out or connect the ideas. The Robiyns are both attractive people (who get a fair amount of character description in the 807 words), but it never ends up mattering. They have the same name which causes mild confusion for the waitstaff.

All that said, I don't think this is trying to do a lot more than fit the goals of a contest which I assume it did. It made for a mildly amusing anecdote. I had a couple of thoughts as I read it that I'll share

1. Careful with the similes. You use "warm molasses" to describe Y's voice and "midsummer breeze" for I's. Both were slightly more confusing than evocative for me, and made me wonder if this was really a narrator talking or more of how Y thinks about the world. It was a bit distracting

2. I felt like Y's annoyance at being objectified was the emotional center of the story (to the extent there was one). If there was somewhere to go with anything here, it would have been with that, although with less than 1k words, it's hard to go anywhere. I imagine word 807 marks the end of Robyn and Robin's tale, but if you ever found the urge to revisit them, I'd probably start there.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I saw your story in "Noticing Newbies" and I like magical realism as a genre (broadly speaking it's what I'd consider most of the things I write). I also saw you were looking for feedback.

Let me start by saying that I'm not really a "prologue" person and I struggle to distinguish between what makes for a good prologue v. just the first chapter. Forgo the prologue, I say! Jump right in!

But that's not terribly helpful, is it? I'll do the best I can.

My belief is that first contact with a story should--first and foremost--hook the reader. You want some compelling mystery, incident, or character (ideally all three) that makes the reader think "I want more of that!"

I'd say "The Raven at the Window" was a qualified success -- it did several things well
- Introduced the kids (via exposition / their father's reflection--we didn't get to meet them)
- Introduced Grantham (who I intuit is probably NOT the main character in a middle-grade book)
- Introduced Edith (through Grantham's perception of her and her writing--nicely done!)
- Introduced the magic in the world (largely plant- or nature-based, with strange allergens and invasive vines) and a suspiciously well-trained raven

It also set up the concept of mystery anomalies physicists can see, but so vaguely that I didn't really have much of a grasp on them, or much investment in them, and created a plausible reason for the kids to go to Juniper House.

All that's fine, but it's a lot of exposition for relatively little payoff.

HOWEVER: the fairytale tone with its modern(ish?) timeframe but arch language and allusions to flustered governesses and stodgy Victorian Professors who are too busy to raise their (improbably large, for modern times) brood of kids, and an eldest daughter who uses somewhat archaic idioms involving brined cucumbers... I thought all of THAT really worked.

Honestly the prose and voice were enticing enough that I was willing to forgive all the exposition and the somewhat predictable coming-together of the situation.

That's /fantastic/ but I think you probably want to aim higher than that.

My guess is that the story ACTUALLY focuses on Millie, Oliver, and Little Henry (whom I am calling Little, because that's how I'd imagine him being referred to in a Victorian tale).

If that's correct, then I'd suggest putting the Prologue away--for now--and just introducing them directly by just showing them some opening scene. Let the reader see Mayhem and Chaos personified in action, rather than just being told they're a lot of trouble (also, be careful to overdo it. A little bit of bratty kid goes a LONG LONG way).

Show Millie being responsible and talking like nineteenth century spinster aunt.

And maybe start with them being bundled off to Juniper House, perhaps over Millie's objections (maybe she feels Albert won't do well on his own and should have her to take care of him like she does her brothers?) You can show all of the things you described here in-action, in a way that's quite possibly more engaging than the prologue currently is.

I'd also suggest looking at stories that begin in similar ways--with children on the precipice of an adventure.

The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe is the obvious reference and I'd imagine you've read it. If you haven't actually READ Peter Pan, do so--it also gets a LONG, LONG, LONG way on the strength of its voice and it introduces a bunch of characters delightfully, both simply talking about them AND showing them in action. The fanciful tone and playful magic fit your world well, as well, I expect.

Final thought: The Prologue basically works; when I suggested putting it away that wasn't code for "throw it out" -- it's more like, "assume your reader skipped the prologue; write your first chapters assuming they know nothing" and then come back at the end and see if you still think you need it.

My guess is you'll still want a prologue, but maybe not THIS one--that with Chapter 1 introducing the characters in-action (v. informed attributes) and the mysteries and nature of the world being fully hinted out, you'll find a better purpose for it than it serves here. You might still want to stay with Albert; one thing I do like about Prologues is you can introduce characters you don't plan to stick with without people getting mad at you. And I liked Albert. He's probably not the main guy, but he's a good guy to keep in the story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Late Again  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found this on Read & Review and it was short enough to read quickly. I assume this is a response to a prompt or a contest asking for the use of specific words (the bolded ones--moon, weaving, and light). As such, I expect it 'accomplishes the mission.' As a stand-alone narrative, it did a reasonably clever job of setting expectations that Charlie has been unfaithful (in some way) before revealing his evasiveness and prevarication are in service of keeping his marriage proposition a secret.

I did get that there was some hidden factor the story was being coy about--the wording was just precious enough to make me wonder what wasn't being said. That said, for a very short work, it's hard to pull off a masterful deception.

I wanted to call it "wholesome" but it fell slightly short of that; it presents there as being on-going tension in the couple. He's overdue on proposing, she's glaring daggers at him over the last few days. He's not sure if she believes him. And under those circumstances, he's prioritizing surprising her over clarifying the situation? I felt like it drew a picture of an engagement that probably shouldn't happen; he's not a cheater, but he doesn't seem like a very good fiancé.

There's nothing wrong with that, but if you were aiming for 'wholesome' rather than something a bit darker, it might be optimal to refactor the scenario -- I do get that there needs to be some on-going tension to achieve what 'fake out' there is (her suspicion and skepticism sort of help 'sell' the idea in the reader's head that he might be stepping out) but they also paint a pretty poor picture of Charlie.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this clicking on Read & Review until I found a short story. This was the one I found!

I think it worked as a character study with the interaction between Tammy and Doug carrying the majority of my focus and interest. While this is clearly a fragment, I think that I was invested enough that if it was the start of a longer story I'd keep reading to find out if Doug actually survives and see where their story goes.

I wasn't riveted, but the characters seemed human enough for me to care and be curious (Doug seems to have had an interesting life; Tammy's connection with him felt authentic). Not bad for a few paragraphs with very little in the way of conflict or drama.

I can see why you put all the medical stuff in the beginning -- from my perspective, it's a combination of world-building / character illustration with

* A fairly mundane initial set up so we can see the characters banter and deal with routine maintenance in a way that presents them as professional ordinary people and build credibility for the world with technical jargon
* A crisis / inciting incident / mystery to engage them and hopefully the reader in the story (oh no! Sleepers in danger! Medical issues across the board! Why? What's happening? Can they save the sleepers!?)
* A lead in to what I felt was the "meat" of the story -- Tammy's reflection on meeting Doug and caring enough to hope he survives.

I didn't hate the scene, but I wasn't overly invested in the set up and I didn't get enough narrative direction from what I was seeing to understand much beyond "the whole batch of sleepers seem to be in peril" -- given that this doesn't get resolved in this short fragment, it didn't so-much connect to me, but it did set up the transition to the flashback adequately.

I liked that the flashback was relatively low-key and emotionally believable. Tammy's reaction to Doug was a mixture of curiosity and respect, which sets up a relationship between these characters that could be explored productively in the future -- what IS Doug up to? What elements of his interesting life remain relevant, etc.

It also makes HER care about saving him and puts a human face on the medical crisis above, which retroactively made me care more about the sleeper's oxygen levels than I did while reading about them.

So far so good. For a thousand words of intro, it got things started and gave me a couple of characters that showed some promise.

In terms of advice, I think if you were going to revisit / expand this I'd suggest a couple of things:

1. help the reader understand if the sudden, severe issue is a result of the commander guy ("Cruiser") not really doing his job (maybe he SHOULD have not been literally sleeping... and he SHOULD have taken Tammy's concerns more seriously) or if it's just a coincidence that there's two blood-oxygen related issues at the same time (one minor, one really serious)

2. write their reaction (the various bumping and the analysis of blood oxygen of different blood directions) so that it provides SOME kind of indicator as to how the reader should understand the severity of the situation. Professionals don't get rattled in a crisis, so it's hard to know if literally everyone (including the awake characters)are about to die or if this is a bad-but-manageable situation.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of World Was  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I found this on "please review" and read it because I liked the title (read like a possibly play on "World War") and the promise of "galactic hopping adventures!"

At around ~700 words it moved quickly and still managed to describe two distinct and relatively interesting interactions (the black hole, and then a mysterious, totally unknown's planet nuclear self-annihilation). I liked that--the concept of a lurking, hiding and then aggressive black hole was fun and legitimately unsettling and might make a mystery to return to later.

World War / Was made good the implied promise in title and handled the situation playfully with the initial mystery (are the characters under attack?) and then concluding with a playful, entertaining take on planetary extinction.

The tone was light with a hint of dark humor. As a stand-alone, very short work, it made got the job done with successful juxtaposition of a global, violent tragedy against visitors who see it as a bit remarkable and a decision to circle back in a few thousand years. That's a real "galactic" perspective.

As jumping off point for an on-going story (you asked about that in the "please review") I'm less sure. I didn't have a whole lot of information about the characters, seeing them (essentially) in scenarios where they were mostly observers (Bahb takes action in the opening sentence but after that they both basically chat). They were generally likeable, but at only a handful of interactions still essentially cyphers to me. If the longer story was more short vignettes of them flying around looking at things or steering around dangerous obstacles, I think you'd need some REALLY interesting vignettes to sustain interest. With two here it's on-track, but maybe hard to sustain.

If it's a more character-centric story over the long-term I'm not sure I got enough from this opening to have a sense for what I'd be getting into--but what I saw here would probably lead me to read the next one. That's a good start!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's hard to get too much out of the short intro, but I didn't see anything there that turned me off or seemed like a deal-breaker.

The setup is pretty classical and relies on a bunch of very accessible tropes (Galactic Superpower, Space Marines, Killer Robots, etc.) Those tropes help make the world immediately understandable, but (as always) beware of cliche.

I did like the instant-teleportation technology--I like the kinds of tactical options that form of FTL opens up. I felt like Battlestar Galactica (2000's iteration) did a good job with that sort of FTL and its military implications. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it.

I guess the main thing I got from this was a sort of Starship Troopers (the movie)-esque question: is the Empire more like the Star Trek Federation... or is it more like a fascist tyranny? If you take the story at face value, it's more benevolent but there are some questions -- people are chosen to be soldiers in utero -- that's kind of oppressive. Mom is thrilled (overcome with joy) to lose her son at birth? A bit fashy. Soldiers are "hardwired" and "programmed" to know the rules. But maybe, also, to obey them? Terms like "Empire," "the fatherland," and part of the message being about protecting the Empire's "ideas" are associated IRL with more oppressive governments. "Peacekeepers" implies less that they are force to be used against comparable enemy armies and more that they 'keep the peace' in places already under Imperial control. Do most Imperial districts have a lot of civil unrest?

Nothing here was overtly Empire = Evil Space Nazis, but there was enough hints that I came down slightly more on the side of the Empire being a military dictatorship than on them being a benevolent force under unquestioned civilian control.

if that's NOT what you were looking for, then you might want to rethink some of how the set up is presented.
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Review of Lone Ole Cowboy  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I liked this a lot. About 6500 words, and I didn't get bored or start skimming. There were a few places where I might have been tempted, but the narrative always brought me back (6k-7k words isn't much for a short story, but it can be a lot to read on a screen).

I liked the character who had a believable voice and a good mix of traits that made me root for him--maybe--without excusing his crimes. His behaviors were all believable and the scenario, up to the supernatural part was solidly grounded in the most mundane aspects of reality--which made the inflection to the unreal way more impactful.

I really like stories like that, and I find that inflection point hard to do well. I think you nailed it.

The various reflections / commentary (... voices in his head) were ambiguous enough to not trigger a 'this is actually supernatural' response, but since I knew I was reading a ghost story, it made me wonder.

Then when Backward Hat Guy (BHG) shows up, and the supernatural goes into overdrive, the scene was handled with a good amount of actual confusion-- reflecting the character's confusion--but it's the sort of thing that can make the reader wonder if I missed something and was SUPPOSED to know what was going on, who this guy was, etc.

You did a good job of dropping enough hints (BHG reacts to his thoughts, etc.) that I stuck with it and didn't go back and re-read things 10 times to see if I'd just gotten lost.

And, importantly, you didn't stay in the "am I reading this right"? zone overlong. Once it was clear he was getting his 1 (or 2)-Ghost version of A Christmas Carol, I was re-oriented and able to follow without issue.

That said, I am not sure that I got the mythology (Sumerian stuff) -- it was a memory of his wife and his team (I guess they served together) so that tracks the walk down memory lane -- but the narrative certainly implies that BHG is a manifestation of a Sumerian god (or maybe a ghost from the Sumerian underworld? Wasn't sure).

I also am not sure I fully understood the end--these kinds of stories tend to end in ambiguity, so not a huge deal, but if you intended the reader to see him as literally being sent back in time to his arrival at his house so he could do it over without the murder then it might be good to add some explicit clarity.

As it was, I THINK that's what happened (his true, ongoing love for his wife convinced a Sumerian snake god to grant him a mulligan?) which is fine as things go, although typically the life-changing revelations of the event are slightly more revelatory (I didn't so much get the sense that he learned something he didn't know as much as saw things he already knew)...

Again, not exactly a problem -- I was along for the ride enough that I didn't care and when I got to the end with some questions... well, it was the end so there you go!

I'm hesitant to suggest any changes; there could be some additional tightness in the conclusion. Maybe remove the Sumerians (I expect the fangs and apple references probably line up with something explicitly Sumerian mythology--although they're also basic biblical motifs, so to really land, I'd guess you'd need a reader who fully gets the ref's).

I don't honestly know if I'd recommend you spend time on any of that stuff though. It's really good as it is.
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Review of Motes  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I read this because I wanted to see what a “quiet invasion” was like.

I quite liked it. The concept was solid — and scary! Tiny, immovable objects wreck havoc is a great premise and the end, where not the immovable objects... are moving... upsetting!

I felt like the intro, where the world encounters a mysterious danger and then figures it out, worked pretty well. You did a good job of making it feel appropriately global and kept the carnage to a realistic and striking level. “Remember you’re never far from death” seems about like some of the UK PSA’s I’ve seen (I’m in the US, so I didn’t grow up with shocking UK PSAs, but I’ve heard of them).

Zooming from the global-scale into the point-of-view character is always going to lose a little momentum, but you used the scene well to explain the dynamic of motes before jumping back out to the scientific progress understanding them.

These kinds of stories are always going to be more about the concepts and ideas than the people—which is fine—but I think you did a good job with fairly distinctive names and voices; expository dialog is always going to be expository dialog... there’s no getting around it... but at least you can make the kids (and later the mote-marking adult team) sound like real people chattering about mice in the cantina or whatever before the next hit comes.

I did figure that they were moving before the full reveal but you didn’t make me wait overlong to get to the point. One thing that I wasn’t clear on—is the mote heading north kind of GENERALLY moving toward the PoV guy’s home...

Or is it tracking his family like a gangster going after the guy’s family for retribution?

The former seems more plausible—the motes are moving; everyone’s screwed. The latter, though is scary, upsetting. Not especially believable (and certainly not stopped right where it is), but I was left wondering. Having cosmic, dangerous invaders hunting YOU, personally is upsetting... but if I were trying to write this, I’m not sure I’d feel up to the task of making it worse.

Anyway, it’s good to end where it ends—the story accomplishes the mission and doesn’t overstay its welcome!
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Review of The Wronged  Open in new Window.
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this because I’m a sucker for ghost stories and snow-bound mansions and so-on.

I thought it was atmospheric; your use of description really painted a picture of the grim old edifice and captured the setting / feeling of a gothic ghost story transposed into modern(ish times. Your prose worked and flowed well—I wasn’t confused or lost or anything. The somewhat arch language really fit the archaic / classic feel of the tale.

In terms of the story it followed a pretty standard path which is not necessarily a bad thing — main character arrives in a spooky, empty house, experiences strange phenomena, discovers it really is ghosts, conducts research to resolve the haunting / finish the unfinished business and then, doing so, leaves, marked in some way by the other-worldly experience.

Plot-wise, this was fine but the action and supernatural events didn’t step over a threshold into unnerving or scary for me, and the more the details came out (black magicians, inadvertently killed servants, etc.) the less unsettling things became (which is often an issue with the arc of these kinds of stories and probably not something that’s easy to overcome without really significant changes).

That’s not to say the story was a failure—as a moody, atmospheric piece it did the job it was clearly setting out to do, but I feel like there’s some money left on the table so to speak around leveraging a good spooky warmup and a scenario that’s maybe a bit too basic.

I was thinking about things that might make the story hook me more without fundamentally altering it. I don’t know if any of these work with what you’re aiming for but I figured I’d suggest them.

1. Make the “wronged” feel more tragic — the best way to do this is likely going for all-out ultra-gothic melodrama since it more or less fits (some of) the tone and lets you evoke Big Emotions in an economy of words. If they were star-crossed lovers (the scion of the wealthy owners of Downview and the humble servant girl or whatever), planning to run away from the evil, devil-worshiping parents on the night they were tragically killed, I might have found it a bit absurd... but I think it could be done in a way that would push some emotional buttons and make me invested in their freeing

2. Let me see their suffering in the manifestations. The ghostly occurrences are pretty subdued and if not “realistic” at least not overtly supernatural. If the Wronged are wailing in eternal torment, writhing in pain, weeping in catastrophic inconsolable loss... that would underscore the need to free them and make the relative loss of spookiness less of a problem. Maybe have them balefully calling out for each other, unable to connect, doomed to an eternity of loss and misery unless Jim can do the ritual

3. Connect Jim’s experience and character to them in some way, even if it’s fairly remote. In a longer story, he could be experiencing his own wrong — taking this remote, isolating dead-of-winter job as penance for a failed relationship or something, and acting to restore the ghosts would be a kind of mirror for his own arc, freeing him from the chains of his past... Or something. That would connect him to them... but it would add a bunch more words I’m not sure are justified. To keep things shorter, maybe just present the story of the Wronged in a way that really upsets and wounds him. Maybe their death is a spectacularly cruel injustice or something that angers him and invests him for very personal, emotional reasons we get to see

Those are just suggestions that try to keep the core of the story & motivation while trying to increase my investment in the scenario and the outcome.

A few other things
* The “inflection point” where events go from plausibly realistic to reasonably-considered supernatural is REALLY hard to do. A lot of the good creepiness in these tales comes from escalation of things that might just be lights flickering in a storm to something that CANNOT be explained and the character finds themselves on the other side of the looking-glass where the unreal is there with them. In this case, I think it happens when he sees the hooded figure and panics—that didn’t entirely work for me; I didn’t fully buy him being out in a blizzard and I didn’t see why he’d assume that these figures were obviously supernatural.

* Tom calling him and going, “Yep. It's ghosts.” was also a bit of an anti-climax and having someone outside to talk to who knew the backstory and rituals diffused any sense of creepy isolation or tension. I don’t think you were going for a feeling of real-threat, but I still recommend you rethink those things because I feel like the story loses some momentum when it flips from an “is this guy in danger?” story to a very basic mystery / occult procedural.
13
13
Review by L.M.Glomar Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I was interested in your story because the name was an overt Lovecraft reference and that drew me in!

Overall, the story read as an homage to Lovecraft, with many references to his landmarks (Innsmouth, Arkham, Dunwich, the idol from Call of Cthulhu, etc.) along with it being structured as a story seen through the eyes of a character who was mostly an observer (Johnson) or told through documents (the reporter's notes).

And like a good deal of Lovecraft, there wasn't a whole lot of closure, character development, arc, etc.

From that perspective, I think it did what you set out to do, but I also feel like there were several things I'd want to address in a rewrite

- There's a lot of repetition (very similar wording in adjacent sentences, lots of fairly redundant references to the weather, etc.)
- The name of the house / family is inconsistent (is it WHATE or WHATELY), etc.
- Some of the scenes and characters are introduce in ways that are a bit unclear to the point where it reduces the story's impact (in context the reporter is clearly sneaking into the house and watching the ritual from a concealed location--but the way it's told there's no tension or anxiety around his sneaking in, no sense of danger until he's revealed and chased. Same with the house fire--the house is burning down when they enter, but there's no real acknowledgement of that until they just watch it burn at the end of the chapter)
- Some of the effects are overblown (I don't think the wind was literally throwing humans around)

I'd say my main reaction is that I'm not sure that stories with very remote characters who are mostly passive observers are difficult to make work. You described some fairly gruesome things (the sacrifice scene with explicit mentions of bodily fluids and carnage) but (for me) the emotion didn't connect. I wasn't grossed out or freaked out. I never really felt like the main character (or the reporter) was in danger, no was I connected to them in a way that a grisly fate would have much of an emotional impact.

Part of this is the Lovecraft style which is often far more about disturbing concepts and ideas than the people / characters relating them, but even if you want to keep a Lovecraftian distance, I think cleaning up the story for clarity, less duplicative description and language, and maybe a tighter narrative that focuses on fewer elements would hit harder.

Thinking about it, I think a version of this that solely focused on the reporter's story would have more impact and work a little more smoothly than the extensive lead-in and focus on a bunch of other characters allows for.
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