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150 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review of COLLIDING ORBITS  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello,
I really liked this! It reminded me of my early years working in the ER as an EKG tech. Very realistic, even when he was looking from above his body. Your descriptions were quite vivid and timed well.

Below are my suggestions:

1) You wrote -
"Okay, let's lift him across on my count," the male voice instructed. "Okay. One, two, three and, over we go."

But after that, you didn't continue along that line. Did they lift him up onto a cot or something? Because the next paragraph goes into detail about his eyes.

2) You wrote -
"I'm sure he'll be okay, Mrs Mathews. Okay? Just need..." the doctor's voice receding into the distance as Christopher was dragged down, sinking deeper, drowning...

You used okay twice here. Maybe replace the first one with "all right" instead. Also, the "doctor's voice receding" should probably be "the doctor's voice receded"

3)You wrote-
The doctor's arm reaching out, the heel of his palm aiming for a red button mounted on the wall above the head of the bed. "Quick, get the defib' down here," the young man frantically requested.

I think you meant:
The doctor's arm reached out, the heel of his palm aiming for a ....
Also, who was the young man who frantically requested?
The doctor? If so, you could leave that part out. Otherwise, it's confusing.

4)You wrote-
Christopher followed his wife, eager to leave the confusion behind him. Elizabeth sat down on the nearest chair, beside an unoccupied bed, her head rocking slowly back and forth as she cried. The urgent ringing of an alarm drifted from the far end of the ward. "Where's Doctor Lamont? We got an arrest. Could certainly do with some help down here," the first nurse called out as she hurried back, pushing an equipment-laden trolley toward them. She steered the trolley into Christopher's cubical.

This paragraph could be separated into two -

Christopher followed his wife, eager to leave the confusion behind him. Elizabeth sat down on the nearest chair, beside an unoccupied bed, her head rocking slowly back and forth as she cried. The urgent ringing of an alarm drifted from the far end of the ward.

"Where's Doctor Lamont? We got an arrest. Could certainly do with some help down here," the first nurse called out as she hurried back, pushing an equipment-laden trolley toward them. She steered the trolley into Christopher's cubical.


Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed this read, especially when I learned he made it! Yes!

Good writing,
Patty
(soon to be published)
http://www.geocities.com/10500bc/index.html
27
27
Review of Life's Trail  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Viv,
This was an interesting read. I sensed anger and defiance in the voice, which gave it a strong backbone.

To even think there are people out there that would wish the trip to be through and you gone from view is a depressing image.

Also, one part that stuck out:
but I am the reason that
I will stay alive,

This sort of didn't ring true. Are you the reason you will stay alive? Isn't it in God's plans whether we live or die? Just my thoughts on this.

Overall, as usual, good writing.
Patty
28
28
Review of The Mountain  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Viv,
I enjoyed the descriptions - they were so vivid, so well written. I could picture everything that
was happening.

However, when I got to the last stanza, I became confused. When you switched to
him being:

The man, now old, destroyed, and withered,..

I had a sense of time warp. Was he old now? How did this happen?

Also, when he woke lying on the valley floor, did
that mean he had died? How could he see his body young once more?

Keep on writing!
Patty
29
29
Review of Another Chance  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Viv,
This is such an outstanding story! I don't think a 5 does it justice! These are poignant characters, well described and likeable.

Below are my suggestions:

1) You wrote:
”I understand, sweetheart.

I think the sweetheart should be capitalized.

2) You wrote:
She did enter the house with Phil, but never left his side as her wide eyes searched from side to side as the woman led them to the utility room, where the large dog scrambled to her feet when they entered.

This seems like a long sentence. Maybe break it up into two:

She entered the house with Phil, but never left his side as her wide eyes searched from side to side. The woman led them to the utility room, where the large dog scrambled to her feet when they entered.

3)You wrote:
Sarah now sat on the floor with Princess beside her, the dog’s head in the child’s lap.

You can say instead;
Sarah now sat on the floor with Princess beside her, the dog’s head in her lap.

This is a memorable piece! I really loved the way you described Marie and her husband's sensitivity to her! Good writing.

Thanks for sharing this,
Patty
30
30
Review of My Three Wishes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was such a beautiful, sincere and moving poem.

Below are my suggestions:
1)You wrote:
If a Genie, granted me three wishes,
I'd wish them all for you
I'd pray with all my heart and soul
That, they would all come true.
My wishes come with good intentions,
And this is what you'd see,
That to my Mom I give three wishes,
A gift to you from me.

Watch for the punctuation. Also, your syllables in the first (10 syllables) and third lines (8 syllables) don't go with the rest of the stanza. Here are my changes:

If a Genie grants me three wishes,
I'd wish them all for you.
I would pray with all my heart and soul,
That they would all come true.
My wishes come with good intentions, (9)
And this is what you'd see,(6)
That to my Mom I give three wishes,(9)
A gift to you from me.(6)


2)You wrote:
My first wish would be: For you to
Have my Father, back into your life,
Where you would never be apart and
Never have any strife.
My second wish goes as: For you both,
To be healthy, and to live without pain.
For this is my second wish and hope
You both attain.

Again, watch the puncutation and syllables. Here
are my suggested changes (I hope I didn't slaughter it too much!):

My first wish would be: For Father dear,
To come back in your life,
Where you would never be apart and
Never have any strife.
My second wish would be: For you both,
Healthy lives without pain.
For this is my second wish and hope
That you both could attain.

3)You wrote:
My third wish is the hardest, because
I'd have to let you go.
Though, I know I would see you again,
To both of you, this, I owe.
My Third wish ; Is to take you
Back to the day you both exchanged your
Hearts.

This stanza brought me to tears, sniffle. Yet,
it didn't flow as well as the others. Somehow the
ryhthm was off. Below are a few suggested changes:


My third wish is the hardest, because
I'd have to let you go.
Though, I know I would see you again,
To both of you, this, I owe.
My Third wish would be: To take you
Back to the magical day you both
exchanged your Hearts for love.


Overall, this was a very good read! With a few
changes in the punctuation/rhythm parts, this could
be tighter and flow better.
Keep on writing!
Dot
31
31
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Kathleen,
I liked your philosophy in this poem, and the way
you had the recurring stanza woven in. Very creative!

Now, for my suggestions below:

1)You wrote:
Never despair of catching your star,
Nor lose vision of mystical dreams.
Although sometimes promise seems afar;
Strive to capture the elusive beams.

Line 3 is awkward. It doesn't flow with the rhythm
of the other three lines. Also, promise doesn't seem to go with stars/dreams. Maybe use future instead?
You might consider changing to:

Never despair of catching your star,
Nor lose vision of mystical dreams.
Sometimes the future may seem afar;
Strive to capture the elusive beams.

2)You wrote:
And when your star is within grasp(8)
Then swept away by stormy cloud,(8)
Don't let your spirit lock like a clasp(9)
Search for the silver lining unbowed.(9)


Watch your rhythm and punctuation. First line is 8 syllables, second line is 8 syllables. Third and fourth lines are 9 syllables. In the first stanza you used all lines 9 syllables. You may want to change to 9 syllables:

And when your star is within your grasp,(9)
Then swept away by dark stormy clouds,(9)
Don't let your spirit lock like a clasp -(9)
Search for the silver lining unbowed.(9)

3)You wrote:

Always hum to the song in your heart(9)
Tho somedays a little off key.(8)
Ne'er let hope in your soul depart...(9)
Trust, you can be who you want to be.(9)

The rhythm in line 2 needs to be changed to 9 syllables. See how I changed it:

Always hum to the song in your heart(9)
Tho somedays it's a little off key.(9)
Ne'er let hope in your soul depart...(9)
Trust, you can be who you want to be.(9)

4)You wrote:
Offer your heart to all you may meet.(9)
Some may break, but others will mend.(8)
Bitter sprinkled with sugar flavors sweet,(10)
Adversity will sever foe from friend.(10)

To make the rhythm flow better, below are my
suggested changes:
Offer your heart to all you may meet.(9)
Some hearts may break, but others will mend.(9)
Bitter sprinkled with sugar tastes sweet,(9)
Adversity's not your best of friend.(9)

5)You wrote:
Marvel at sunrises, rainbows and love
As no one is promised tomorrow.
Cherish those close as a gift from above;
Treasured moments are lost, not borrowed.

To make rhythm flow better, see my suggested changes:

Marvel at sunrises, rainbows and love,
As no one is promised tomorrow.
Cherish close ones, as gifts from above;
Treasured moments may not be borrowed.


Overall, if you could just focus on making your rhythm flow better and watch your punctuation, this will be
a very tight and powerful poem.
Hope this helped!
Dot
32
32
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
How true to life this poem is!
You masterfully described the feelings the boy had for the dead puppy, then, just as spring comes after winter, you rejuvenated the boy's love for the new puppy.
Bravo!
Dot
33
33
Review of Winter Fog  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You did a wonderful job with the descriptions about the horse. Your writing was smooth and well-delivered.

It was very creative of you to add the cat in the story.

The only thing missing:
I would have liked to have read more about the relationship between the owner and the horse. (Reason being is because I'm curious how a horsetrainer trains horses - particularly wild ones).

Very nice!
Dot
That would have been interesting also.
34
34
Review of Regarding the Gun  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Your poem is simple yet quite breathtaking! I literally got goosebumps reading it.

Just a note:

You end it with:
I will be well.

Did you mean to say:
All will be well.

For some reason, I will be well seems to talk about
someone being well from sickness. Was that your intention?

Keep up the excellent work!
Enjoy reading it all,
Dot
35
35
Review of Skirts of Rain  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is such a beautiful poem! Very imaginative, yet
concrete. It drew the picture of the dry land and the rainfall very vividly in my mind.

My suggestions below:

1)Since you are repeating, then this part in second stanza:
washing clean this cracked and brittle land,

should be similar to first one in first stanza:
washing clean the cracked and brittle land,

2) Just curious, what does this mean?
Her silvered flowing scarves are silken art,


My favorite line was:
soothing thirsted soil and tear-starved heart.

Great writing!
Dot
36
36
Review of Sensory Words  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Vivian,
again, well done. This goes very well with the other two parts you've written for this poetry course.

Just one suggestion - could you add an exercise here
for the student to write a poem using the sensory words? You know, learning by doing...
Good job!
Dot
37
37
Rated: E | (5.0)
Vivian,
this was great! I hope you don't mind, but I printed
it out. I liked the examples you gave in this one.
Only one thing, if you had the names of the poets/titles next to the examples, that would be nice.
In case someone wanted to look them up...
Thanks for sharing this!
Dot
38
38
Review of What is Poetry?  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Vivian,
Very nice and informative! It was organized and
it appears you did your research by using quotes from different poets.

Below are my suggestions:

You wrote:
1. Poetry involves emotion, is full of sentiment and passion. The emotions a scene, an experience, an attachment evoked in the writer are transformed into words.

The second sentence is missing something. Did you mean
to say:
The emotions: a scene, an experience, an attachment evoked in the writer are transformed into words.


Overall, I found this interesting to read, and would
suggest that you use some examples of poetry to go with each pointer. Examples always worked for me in
school.

Hope this helped, and good luck!
Dot
39
39
Review of White Lace  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I liked reading this story. I could picture the wedding dress shop and the feelings being evoked from the characters.

Below are my suggestions:

1) You wrote:
I can do this, she silently insisted. Even if Mom doesn’t have time, I can do this.

It might be better to say her mother isn't there than to say her mother doesn't have time:
I can do this, she silently insisted. Even if Mom isn't here, I can do this.

This fact helps the reader know up front that her mother's absence is a major factor in her feelings.

2) You wrote:
“Let’s ask her if she wants to look any more today or if she wants to have lunch and go home.” Karri moved to Trina’s side, touching the taller woman’s shoulder. “Trina, do you want to leave, have lunch, and forget shopping today?”

Here, I felt you could streamline this more. It's sort of redundant. Maybe remove the first sentence:
Karri moved to Trina’s side, touching the taller woman’s shoulder. “Trina, do you want to leave, have lunch, and forget shopping today?”

3)You wrote:
Her eyes never leaving the tapping, twirling spoon, Trina answered, “I want a more traditional gown than I seen so far.

I think you meant:
Her eyes never leaving the tapping, twirling spoon, Trina answered, “I want a more traditional gown than I have seen so far.

4) You wrote:
Trina gasped before starting to rummage through the dozen or so dresses.

Trina's gasping isn't explained. Did she gasp because she was pleased, or because of the number of dresses?
Also, the word gasping somehow doesn't fit here. You also use it a few sentences later, and explained it well there:

The sales clerk gasped, “You do look beautiful. That dress looks like it was made for you.”

5)You wrote:
“My son will think you make the dress look gorgeous,” Marie replied.

For some reason, I expected her to say:
“My son will think you make any dress look gorgeous,” Marie replied.

This implies that her son is so in love with her, that she would look gorgeous in any dress.

6)You wrote:
After lunch, the three women returned to the bridal shop. When they entered this time, a saleswoman greeted them. “May I help you with something?”

“This young lady,” Marie nodded toward Trina, “wants a more traditional dress than the ones displayed or on the racks here.”

“Oh, we have some old-fashioned types toward the back. If you’ll follow me, we’ll look there.” The clerk led them to the rear of the shop, where she pointed to a rack of billowing wedding gowns, many lace-covered satin.

I felt this also could be more streamlined. The reader already knows Trina wants a traditional wedding dress, so you don't need to repeat it in the dialogue to the saleswoman. Here is my version:

After lunch, the three women returned to the bridal shop and asked the sales clerk to see the traditional dresses.

“The old-fashioned types are in the back,” said the sales clerk, leading them to the rear of the shop, where she pointed to a rack of billowing wedding gowns, many lace-covered satin.


Overall, I felt the beginning was very detailed in the wedding shop. And the part about Trina's parent's was short. I'd like to see more development of the characters of Trina's parents. They sound like self-centered people. Play that out. Make the reader feel what Trina is feeling - that her parents don't care about her.

Hope this helped!
Dot
40
40
Review of The Last Unicorn  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a fascinating story! I would have liked to have
read more!

Below are my suggestions:

1)You wrote:
Man, embolden by greed for the horn, caused among unicorns untold bloodshed.

I think you meant:
Man, emboldened by greed for the horn, caused among unicorns untold bloodshed.

2) You wrote:
Over the centuries the number of these peaceful creatures fell from relentless slaughter at the hand of Man until eventually it became the rarest of animals, with continued hunting to spell
its very extinction. Still Man killed unicorns with no regret…

This was an excruciatingly long sentence. I would
suggest you cut it into two/three sentences.

For example:
Over the centuries, the number of these peaceful creatures fell. Relentlessly slaughtered at the hand of Man, they eventually became the rarest of animals. Continued hunting spelled its very extinction. Still Man killed unicorns with no regret…

Also, the stanza that follows it is abrupt. For the first three stanzas, you write in past tense, then suddenly you zoom into present tense - and on an individual basis. It would be nice to have a transitory passage, like a sentence that brings these two together.

For example:
Man killed unicorns with no regret,
Picture one such scene...

Exceptional story. I particularly liked the ending.
Keep on writing!
Dot
41
41
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your story was delightful to read. It's not easy
to go through what you did (encephalitis, job loss) and
be able to bounce back like that.

I also liked the pearls of wisdom you received in your new line of work. Sharing it with others (publishing it) was a brilliant idea!

Just a few suggestions below:
1) You wrote:
After a successful 30 year career in the advertising business as an art director and a complete full life with my kids all grown up and gone.

This is your opening sentence and its important to make a first good impression. Starting it with "After" sort of throws it off. Maybe you could change it to:
I had a successful 30 year career in the advertising business as an art director, and a complete full life with my kids all grown up and gone.

2) Throughout your work, you need to go back and check for punctuation and long sentences.

For example, you wrote:
After I awoke the nurses jokingly called me the Lazzeraz Man since 2 out of 3 patients with encephalitis die and the one of the three that does survive would most likely have sever brain damage, after being in an unconscious state for several months they had me pegged as a goner.

This could read better if changed to:

After I awoke, the nurses jokingly called me the Lazzeraz Man. This was because two out of three patients with encephalitis die, while one out of three that does survive would most likely have severe brain damage. After being in an unconscious state for several months, they had me pegged as a goner.

I liked your "Transportainer of Palm Beach" line.
Good luck with your writing!
Dot
42
42
Review of Common Chords  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
winklett,
this was a superb piece of art!

Each time I read it, I felt so much pleasure, that I had to read it again! The magnificent comparison with a musical concert was quite creative. I particularly
liked the transition from Ode to Joy into a Requiem.
Sigh, this was better than chocolate.
dot
43
43
Review of Common Chords  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was an interesting poem to read, yet I admit,
after reading it several times, I still found it somewhat confusing.

1) You wrote:
The racecourse floor is
soft as moss - but clump dislodged
blinds rider, snapping string on
stallion's instrument of speed.

How does clump dislodged blind the rider? Did the clump fly in his eyes? And what do the next words mean in the stanza?

2) You wrote:
The grandstand gaping at
his sudden stumble, his seeming slumber

If I read this correctly, the horse stumbled and
fell. However, "his seeming slumber" didn't fit
somehow after that. It was too soft an approach
after the sudden stumble before it.

I liked the ending!
dot
44
44
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Viv,
I really liked the your graphic detail of what goes on
during a war. Also, the relationship of the colonel and his two sons, revealed at the end of the story, was fantastic!

Below are my suggestions/comments:

1) You wrote:
"The bomber squadron does have one the of Mighty Blasters."

I think you meant:
"The bomber squadron does have one of the Mighty
Blasters."

2) You wrote:
"Look, all we can do is get ready and hope the spooks ignore us tonight. Everyone going to need to be below ground.

I think you meant:
"Look, all we can do is get ready and hope the spooks ignore us tonight. Everyone is going to need to be below ground.

3)You wrote:
Outside a second sun for the day bloomed in the sky above the village.

If I'm correct, this was probably the bomb implosion that they had prepared for and which interrupted the colonel from his taping. Because it is such an impressive/aggressive event, using words like second sun, and bloomed, sort of doesn't add to the intensity of the event.

I would replace that sentence with this:

A mighty wind roared in all directions, sweeping across the military camp. The tarps flapped and buckled, causing them to be stripped from the holes they covered.


4) You wrote:
The tarps been partially torn from their hiding place, and the heavy tent had disappeared before the gale.

You probably meant:
The tarps had been partially torn from their hiding place, and the heavy tent had disappeared before the gale.

5)You wrote:
Men curled in balls or grasping one another shook as they raised their eyes toward the midnight black sky above. Stars twinkled the answer to their prayers.

Somehow the first sentence didn't really add to the
story. However, the last sentence seemed so appropriate to end the story with. After the paragraph where the father and two sons hugged, you can say:

Captain Kyle Morris hugged his father and his brother, rejoicing not only in their deliverance, but also in the reunification of his family. Stars twinkled overhead. The answer to their prayers had been met.

Very good writing!
dot
45
45
Review of The Beggar  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Harry,
this was a great story and rings so true!
I tend to be like you, though.

1) You wrote:

My friend snapped, "Save it!". I asked, "What's the big deal?"

Wouldn't it be better if you separated the dialogue
so that it reads more smoothly:

My friend snapped, "Save it!".
I asked, "What's the big deal?"

2) You wrote:
Driving away, I felt good inside, my gesture giving my spirits quite a lift.
"You know, we really should help out people like that a whole lot more."
"Look behind you". Turning, I saw the beggar hurrying inside the liquor store.

Again, it would read better if you separated the dialogue and also the last line to read:

Driving away, I felt good inside, my gesture giving my spirits quite a lift.

"You know, we really should help out people like that a whole lot more," I said.

"Look behind you."

Turning, I saw the beggar hurrying inside the liquor store.


Yesterday I was in Washington, D.C. and parked my car when a beggar approached me, asking for money. I didn't give him anything (I usually check things out first). When I returned an hour later, he was sitting on the sidewalk, looking very pathetic. Again, he
asked for money. I passed him and went into my car.
Mind you, it's not an easy decision in Washington to
be giving money left and right (lots of these types around). But, as I was leaving, I rolled down my window, honked the horn, and he came up to the window and said "God bless you!" as I gave him money. There were tears in my eyes as I left. Somehow I felt I did
the right thing.

dot
46
46
Review of Who I Am  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very intelligent work! I had to reread this several times, because you're right, it is thought-provoking.
I personally believe that the body is important, because without health, one can't enjoy much of life, can they? But that's my philosophy.

After I got past the several re-reads, and by the
way, each time I read it, it was more intriguing, I found that it could flow a little better with a few suggestions:


My body isn’t me.
I am not my body.
It is merely the vessel
that encases who I am.

This stanza could be placed later in the poem or even removed altogether. The rest of the poem says the same thing but more elaborately.

Also, the following stanza seems to be a better
beginning for the poem:

Who am I? What am I?
How do I think of who I am?
No sharply focused image of my body
comes to my mind.
Instead, I am what I think and believe,
how I act and react – my intellect,
my accumulated wisdom and experience,
my compassion and concern,
what I stand for, what I oppose,
how large my loves,
how small my hates and prejudices.
THIS is who I am.

Also the ending, like the first stanza, feels as
if it's not necessary. The previous stanza about your wife is so beautiful, that it really doesn't need
anything else added at the end.:)
Hope this helped!
dot
47
47
Review of In the Beginning  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was very creative and delightful to the senses.

In the fourth line, you wrote:

along the land awash with wet and warmth:(/i)

I felt that line was uneccessary. The description following it more than says the same thing. You could remove it and have it go like this:

Tentative tortoise-shell calico cat
picks a cautious, wary way
on tender six-toed pad
along the matted lawns of limpid leaves
and woven flattened grasses
blanket lost limbs from backyard willow,
forgotten garden's mushy pumpkin husk,....

Also, I think it would read better if you removed
the comma in:
Cat, yawning deep in breeze
and chirp

Hope this helped!
Good luck in the contest!
dot
48
48
Review of Chocolate Affair  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was very poetic, with fine strokes of artistic
flair. An extremely good read!

Just a couple of things:
1)
First she faced the display counter, one arm slightly outstretched as if her hand were divining rod and

I think you meant: ...as if her hand were a divining rod

2)Gina charged her purchase, signing the slip with a carefless flourish. She folded her Godiva bag crisply, and we turned as one to go home.

Here, you probably meant ..signing the slip with a careless flourish.

Also, the first sentence and second didn't quite go.
One minute, she's sort of careless, and the next, she folds the bag crisply, as if she likes things to be ordered. Maybe change the word - crisply - to something else.

Thanks for a wonderful chocolate experience!
dot
49
49
Review of Thor's Hammer  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Terrell,

This was very fascinating to read! It flowed well, and was a powerful story. I very much liked the details. They made everything so realistic.

Below, I have a few suggestions:

1)It would be easier on the eyes if the paragraphs were seperated by a double space, particularly in the very beginning.

2)Watch out for the commas.
There was another pause as she relayed the message to the other person in the room, probably the Chancellor himself.

You could add a comma here: There was another pause, as she relayed...

As he did so a pair of wings unfolded from his back and as they gracefully spread open and began flapping, he slowly rose from the ground. The men aimed and fired but nothing happened.

And here, you could change this into two sentences: As he did so, a pair of wings unfolded from his back, gracefully spreading open. He slowly rose from the ground. The men aimed and fired, but nothing happened.

3)Also, when you have more than one "and" in a sentence, typically, you would add a comma.

The box was rather heavy and he had to stop two or three times and catch his breath, but he kept going.

For example: The box was rather heavy, and he had to stop two or three times and...

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this!
Keep up the good work!
dot
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