Wow. This is really intense. I can feel the tension in the first part of the piece.
I am wondering if you could include the main character more as the nurse and mother are talking about him. What is he feeling? Or did you exclude his feelings for a reason?
The piece is really intense and interesting until the point where you say "Many weeks later." Before that point my curiosity kept being piqued and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.
Once you got to many weeks later, the writing felt rushed and I was confused. The poem was good but after that I was not entirely sure what was happening. It was not clear if this was something happening in the mind of the character or if if was something that was actually happening. It is possible that you wanted it to be kind of mysterious which is a valid way to deal with an ending but I think there must be a way to be mysterious without leaving confusion. Really interesting and emotionally challenging piece.
I love how you start this. You and God having tea. It is so simple and homey. The dialogue was a little confusing at times. It was hard to keep track of who was speaking at times. The first time I noticed this was in the fourth paragraph. He sighed and continued, "you then take all those emotions and carry the world upon your shoulders." "That's my job!" "That's not Christ like," . I thought maybe That's my job was your response but I was not entirely sure.
In this sentence: I sat blanked in thought, "blanked in thought" is not a term I have heard in American English before. I would think of a new way to say that.
I really like the ending.
The dialogue after that needs more clarification. As I said, I had a hard time keeping track of whether it was you or God talking.
Overall I really liked this story and it was well-written. I love the idea of having a conversation with God. Thank you for sharing this. :)
This is a really great start. It definitely piques my interest to learn more about what happened and I feel drawn to the heroine. I love the amount of details you give of situations and people. My suggestions for this part are really minor.
In this paragraph - "Hajia was surrounded by her own horde of friends; women with veils draped over their head and around their body and I could see she was desperately trying to be brave. She’d only just buried her husband, Fuad’s father less than a year ago and now she was burying her only son. My husband." You do not need to repeat 'my husband.' The details you have already given explain the relationship.
"I turned frantically around. Looking for Fatimah, Sarah, Aunty Bee. Anybody." You don't need a period after around. You could just make this one sentence - I turned frantically around looking for ... or anybody. Or reword it somehow.
This is going to be a really interesting read. I can't wait to see more of it.
It's beautiful. I would rephrase line 6. A coffin "sets" is a strange way to say it. I am not a poetry expert but I find this poem very moving and brings back memories of people I have known who have passed in my own life. Thank you for sharing it.
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