*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lifeisgreat
Review Requests: OFF
6 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by India
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow. This is really intense. I can feel the tension in the first part of the piece.

I am wondering if you could include the main character more as the nurse and mother are talking about him. What is he feeling? Or did you exclude his feelings for a reason?

The piece is really intense and interesting until the point where you say "Many weeks later." Before that point my curiosity kept being piqued and I wanted to know what was going to happen next.

Once you got to many weeks later, the writing felt rushed and I was confused. The poem was good but after that I was not entirely sure what was happening. It was not clear if this was something happening in the mind of the character or if if was something that was actually happening. It is possible that you wanted it to be kind of mysterious which is a valid way to deal with an ending but I think there must be a way to be mysterious without leaving confusion. Really interesting and emotionally challenging piece.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of God Stopped By  
Review by India
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love how you start this. You and God having tea. It is so simple and homey. The dialogue was a little confusing at times. It was hard to keep track of who was speaking at times. The first time I noticed this was in the fourth paragraph. He sighed and continued, "you then take all those emotions and carry the world upon your shoulders." "That's my job!" "That's not Christ like," . I thought maybe That's my job was your response but I was not entirely sure.

In this sentence: I sat blanked in thought, "blanked in thought" is not a term I have heard in American English before. I would think of a new way to say that.

I really like the ending.

The dialogue after that needs more clarification. As I said, I had a hard time keeping track of whether it was you or God talking.

Overall I really liked this story and it was well-written. I love the idea of having a conversation with God. Thank you for sharing this. :)





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Dear Fuad  
Review by India
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a really great start. It definitely piques my interest to learn more about what happened and I feel drawn to the heroine. I love the amount of details you give of situations and people. My suggestions for this part are really minor.

In this paragraph - "Hajia was surrounded by her own horde of friends; women with veils draped over their head and around their body and I could see she was desperately trying to be brave. She’d only just buried her husband, Fuad’s father less than a year ago and now she was burying her only son. My husband." You do not need to repeat 'my husband.' The details you have already given explain the relationship.

"I turned frantically around. Looking for Fatimah, Sarah, Aunty Bee. Anybody." You don't need a period after around. You could just make this one sentence - I turned frantically around looking for ... or anybody. Or reword it somehow.

This is going to be a really interesting read. I can't wait to see more of it.

4
4
Review by India
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's beautiful. I would rephrase line 6. A coffin "sets" is a strange way to say it. I am not a poetry expert but I find this poem very moving and brings back memories of people I have known who have passed in my own life. Thank you for sharing it.
5
5
Review of Blood Brothers  
Review by India
In affiliation with Blogging Circle of Friends  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This has the beginnings of a really amazing piece. It sounds like the main character was the one who was the target of the abuser. It is interesting that you did not use the name of the family members. The grandmother is the one who uses people’s names. Other than that there are no names in this piece.

"At an early age I was carving up Naugahyde couches, peeling paint off the walls, peeing my bed, and playing the clown, all in the name of love." (explain that more. What does that mean? Is this referring to the love the main character had for his younger brother? He did all of those things out of love for the brother?)

What was it about the younger brother that was so meaningful to the character and why did he love him so much he would do anything to protect him?

I really liked this melding of a scene in Psycho and the storm outside. The storm was now demanding our attention, as if it were competing with the movie, flashes of lightning and static interrupted the frenzy on the T.V. Only the shrieking sounds from the woman came from the small set - the screeches married the thunder. Really powerful imagery. So much of the brothers' relationship was mixed up with violence. I wonder what it would look like if you analyzed that a little bit more. What did that mean for the relationship and how did that affect how they saw each other?

There was kind of a long period where we did not see the younger brother and it left me wondering where he went. He appears again after you have talked about the main character’s life and jobs. I think there needs to be an explanation of where the brother went and why he disappeared. It sounds like he reappeared because the main character was “wanting a connection.” But why was that connection lost?

After the younger brother returns there seems to be a problem in the relationship. You say before he disappears that he “cautiously” let the character borrow his convertible. That appears to be the start of a severing, but I think there needs to be more on that. Was the incident with the drugs a beginning of that severing or was it something else?

I loved this phrase: "He delivered his guilt like an act of duty and devotion." That’s really well written.

The first dialogue between the two brothers is a little too long. I think it needs to be shortened but have the same feeling behind it. It seems to me that there is this uncertainty between them about what to say or how to react to each other. That can be a really powerful interaction with less words.

This is an intriguing statement: "It was weird, when I was alone with Younger Brother. It felt like what it was like when I was alone with the breeder."
I would explore that a little bit more. What does that mean and why does the younger brother feel like “the breeder?”

I could feel the tension when the younger brother was trying to bring up the mother and step-father. I like that part. It feels like an important part of the story. The middle brother is trying to avoid, and the younger brother is trying to draw him in.

A question I have is what happened to cause Younger brother to become violent and angry with the other driver? Up to this point, it sounds like he has been into following rules, keeping his head down and allowing someone else to protect him. In that scene the two brothers are connected with a similar cause. They find unity in violence. But what made the younger brother express that violence and rage? How did he make that change.

Really, really good. There are some grammatical errors and I would have an editor look at that. But it is a really powerful story. Thanks for sharing it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lifeisgreat