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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maker7k
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12 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Toressa  
Review by Maker7k
Rated: E | (4.0)
I noticed one thing that popped out in your lyrics and that is the rhyme-meter. Each verse follows the format of 8-6-8-6 aside from the chorus. I would suggest switching it up a bit, or the message seems too forced or may fall a bit flat, especially when over-rhyme comes in. In a single verse, you rhymed 4 times, and to some it may be a tad excessive. Overall, I would cut back on the number of rhymes or break the 8-6-8-6 meter.

Some of the rhymes were interesting choices of loose-rhyme like leaves and breeze or name and rain.
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Review by Maker7k
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The premise of the story is fairly straightforward. Teenager loses his memory and shrinks around his friends. Although this doesn't happen too often in real life, it was a change of pace from the other shrinking stories on this site. As for content, a good chunk of them were pretty well written. However, as with any interactive, where will be users that write around 100 characters, or have a completely different writing style than the original author.

One suggestion I have would be for the original author to create a story and write in one path. Occasionally branching out is fine, but don't forget that your story should mainly be written by you. Any twists and turns are like fanfiction. It deviates from the story, but can keep the characters and setting. I say this because the story at this point is around 2 years old and only has 40 chapters.
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Review by Maker7k
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
My initial reactions to the description was that an amazon woman, much less a celebrity wrestler, would be quite the easy target to find if she entered a life of crime. I had to check it out, and the first chapter/volume was pretty interesting.

Overall the writing was good, especially interactions with Tina. Considering this is only the introduction to the story, it is going to be wild ride. A number of scenes were very tense, especially the bit with Gwen criticizing Tina. Also with all the buildup of Marcos, adding in Doc took a turn that I didn't expect.

Sci-Fi action crime story with an amazon female lead. If you are looking for something different to read and like the premise, it is worth checking out Volume 1.
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Review of Good morning!  
Review by Maker7k
Rated: GC | (5.0)
Hello Druid,
My god. Now THIS is erotica done right. I have seen quite a number of entries here and on other sites in the adult sections, but this is one of the best I have read in a long time. These two characters with a pre-established relationship captured my heart, even before the shower. You didn't need conversation, you didn't need any dirty talking! It was one of the freshest breaths of air I have had reading this genre.

I can't honestly find a flaw that I could point out. I do have one suggestion however. I noticed that both characters went into the shower without a mention of the removal of any clothes or underwear. If they sleep nude, it would have been nice to know explicitly rather than leaving it implied.

You did a wonderful job with this.
5
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Review by Maker7k
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Schnujo,
I want to start off my saying, great poem. I think we have all had that fleeting moment where we said something we shouldn't have. It is refreshing to see a relationship piece about communication instead of actions.

Though it was repetitive, it was welcomed with the message. My two suggestion about the way it is presented, are to try ridding the space between the positives and the negatives. Also revise the positive to avoid too much repetition. Something like:

I wish I could take it back...those words that I said...
That burned the cross between us.
I wish I could take them back and build a home of feathers and faith.

It may just be a personal aesthetic thing, but it does keep the message and make it more pleasing to the eye when read.

As for content, a few of the replacements seemed off. "clouds and sparrows" "kisses and forever" where the two awkward ones that stood out to me... in some of them, try bringing out more intense joyful or positive remarks. You did this beautifully in sections 5 and 21. "threw a thick veil over your heart" "carved my name from your heart". These were amazing, and I would have loved to see more of this caliber in the 'replacement' lines.

I hope you found my suggestions somewhat helpful.
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