I noticed one thing that popped out in your lyrics and that is the rhyme-meter. Each verse follows the format of 8-6-8-6 aside from the chorus. I would suggest switching it up a bit, or the message seems too forced or may fall a bit flat, especially when over-rhyme comes in. In a single verse, you rhymed 4 times, and to some it may be a tad excessive. Overall, I would cut back on the number of rhymes or break the 8-6-8-6 meter.
Some of the rhymes were interesting choices of loose-rhyme like leaves and breeze or name and rain.
The premise of the story is fairly straightforward. Teenager loses his memory and shrinks around his friends. Although this doesn't happen too often in real life, it was a change of pace from the other shrinking stories on this site. As for content, a good chunk of them were pretty well written. However, as with any interactive, where will be users that write around 100 characters, or have a completely different writing style than the original author.
One suggestion I have would be for the original author to create a story and write in one path. Occasionally branching out is fine, but don't forget that your story should mainly be written by you. Any twists and turns are like fanfiction. It deviates from the story, but can keep the characters and setting. I say this because the story at this point is around 2 years old and only has 40 chapters.
My initial reactions to the description was that an amazon woman, much less a celebrity wrestler, would be quite the easy target to find if she entered a life of crime. I had to check it out, and the first chapter/volume was pretty interesting.
Overall the writing was good, especially interactions with Tina. Considering this is only the introduction to the story, it is going to be wild ride. A number of scenes were very tense, especially the bit with Gwen criticizing Tina. Also with all the buildup of Marcos, adding in Doc took a turn that I didn't expect.
Sci-Fi action crime story with an amazon female lead. If you are looking for something different to read and like the premise, it is worth checking out Volume 1.
I loved your first stanza. It is that buildup of why people choose to go back to their artificial happiness. Tying it back at the end with addictions was a nice touch. Another good addition with alcoholism, I think it goes hand in hand with the idea you gave about abusing pills.
The rhyming was fairly nice, and the (I want to say) pseudo-rhymes like fiction and frictions wasn't too big of a leap, though I would try a few different words in their place if you wanted to go for exact rhyme. Another great piece Survivor48.
For an inspirational piece, it ended on a somber note. "Remember that honor isn't always respected". When considering charity or volunteering, it may ring true that not every person is respectful or thankful, there will always be those who are. I feel like this is more thought provoking than anything else.
The one thing that seemed out of place in this was "working hard for that raise". Everything else seemed to be for selfless, but when one works hard for a goal to benefit themselves (especially monetarily) it is far from charity/volunteering. If you choose to revisit this piece, I would consider trying a new comparison ending in "ahy-ze".
Hello Survivor48,
This was a fantastic piece, and it was gorgeously written. The message was powerful, and couldn't be closer to the truth. The reason everyone sins is because humanity has deemed certain actions to be wrong or impure, and since it is all opinions of the individual, everyone in someway, has sinned.
I love the idea in the last stanza. "Even though we can't be perfectionist, Striving to be finest person is enough" I would suggest revising slightly so the words say "perfectionists" and "Striving to be the finest person". Other than that, it was a great read and you did an amazing job!
Hello Schnujo,
I want to start off my saying, great poem. I think we have all had that fleeting moment where we said something we shouldn't have. It is refreshing to see a relationship piece about communication instead of actions.
Though it was repetitive, it was welcomed with the message. My two suggestion about the way it is presented, are to try ridding the space between the positives and the negatives. Also revise the positive to avoid too much repetition. Something like:
I wish I could take it back...those words that I said...
That burned the cross between us.
I wish I could take them back and build a home of feathers and faith.
It may just be a personal aesthetic thing, but it does keep the message and make it more pleasing to the eye when read.
As for content, a few of the replacements seemed off. "clouds and sparrows" "kisses and forever" where the two awkward ones that stood out to me... in some of them, try bringing out more intense joyful or positive remarks. You did this beautifully in sections 5 and 21. "threw a thick veil over your heart" "carved my name from your heart". These were amazing, and I would have loved to see more of this caliber in the 'replacement' lines.
I hope you found my suggestions somewhat helpful.
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