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Review of The Sun  
Review by Mark Diaz
Rated: E | (5.0)
The most important thing on emotional pieces is conveying the right emotion. And girl, may I say you did wonderfully, honestly. Just the right words, in the right order, no bulls***. This could have been so much longer than it needed to be, but you didn't do that, I like it.
I don't know how much editing you put into this, maybe a lot, maybe none at all, I can never tell and it doesn't matter anyway. I would just like to say I loved it, and since I'm here to criticize I'll do that, but keep in mind it's all 5 stars, 'cause the emotion have been delivered.


I go by Dan Harmon's story structure, wich basically means circles, big and small. Since the boy is the sun and the moon and other stars, starting the piece with her love for the night sky and proceeding to the boy being the sun, then later - as you did - coming back to the night sky, would make a nice little story circle. I believe this to be the most important aspect of fiction, and yours just need a couple extra sentences to achieve that.

Also, on the last paragraph I feel like there's to much equal sentences. Always beggining with "She felt. She wanted. She wished." It got boring, but again, small changes.


I truly loved this piece. Please, write on!


Best regards, Mark Diaz.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Ninth  
Review by Mark Diaz
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
First things first, I absolutely love it. Lots of parts gave me chills, and the message/atmosphere is clear. Great work. For real.

Now (personal opinion ahead):

When you said "cozy atmosphere" was telling, and afterwards you showed. The showing was good, and enough. Saying "cozy atmosphere" turned unnecessary.

Same thing with her walking outside and "the cold not affecting her". Describing the blizzard and then making her walk calmly, or an expression, would show it better.

I loved the rhyming parts, that are mainly on the beginning. It gave a poetry sense to it, and it made me read each passage between commas in a verse rhythm. I personally loved this, just be aware that is happening. Later down the story you stopped with the rhymes, and the rhythm shifted back to prose. This took a while since my brain was expecting rhymes, so I would say go all the way with rhyming or none at all. One is not better than the other, but you should pick just one.

The "Mom!?" part was awesome. The paragraph before completely set the intonation for me. I'm saying this because of the exclamation. I believe is unnecessary. I actually only noticed when rereading it for this comment.

Great atmosphere. It's purposely confusing, giving the dreamy, hallucination feeling of the mother.

Morphing into her face was kind of an explanation. The dream atmosphere, her drowning the son. It's enough. If that's an important scene you could describe (not the appearance) of the mother in a certain way, or certain uncommon words, and then later describe the monster in the same way/words. Make it resonates.

This was my personal opinion anyway. Overall, great work! I really liked it.
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