Your ability to make the majority of your work personal pronouns is astounding, you should do that more, perhaps just cover yourself in ink and throw yourself at an organ, see what else comes out.
I don't like it... I love it! I am sending you through to the next round, you should be very proud. Your experience with the ocean has inspired me to do things at certain times that in turn would spark more change.
This is the best story I have ever read, it's like a really mild horror story. I would put chelsea's talents to much better use though, like betting on a football match and getting rich! Or the probability of nuclear war but i like ice cream too so I am torn.
Very good, well thought out and well laid out. Very moving. I am curious to learn your experience with the topic, the best piece I have read on this website. Constructive feedback: perhaps some more interesting adjectives, but the simple vocabulary does compliment the topic. 'Blue- green' to 'emerald'? Enjoyed reading this.
I like the use of enjambment on the last line to signify the overflow, very nice. Have you thought of varying your vocabulary? Also, I cant seem to find any pattern in the syllables, have you thought about pacing this peace of work? Perhaps mix up the opening words of each line. Nice subject matter.
ok, first of all 'transfusion of dust beating with a pulse' is a very nice line, it is nice highlighting the simplicity of life when you're trying to make a grandeur point. You need to start sentences with a capital letter, punctuation is very important, paragraphing is good too. Never end on an ellipses, it's cliche. Don't have so many rhetorical questions in a short piece, they don't lead anywhere. *lose, not 'loose'. Your theme is very relatable, but try not to write while feeling sorry for yourself, it lacks articulate emotion or thought when you do that, try to rise above that and feel the emotions rather than being overwhelmed by them.
I like it, the use of repetition is used effectively, perhaps a little too much, I think you could get your point of numb across by using it only 2 or 3 times. Have you thought about making lines 3 and 6 have the same amount of syllables? To try and highlight the monotony and procedure of feeling numb. I really enjoy how you have captured a moment in this poem though, I can tell it must have been a really scarring experience for such detail in events to be relayed. Very nice
Very nice, I like that you can really feel the grief in the poem, the lack of punctuation really pertains to this. Could do with some commas at the end of the lines and I think that 'spend' is meant to be 'spent'? but i really liked the 'from the first kiss to the last hug' part, gave a really nice impression of the weight of time.
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