*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mcommon
Review Requests: OFF
7 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Common Harmony
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
You have the bones of a good story. The initial conversation between niece and aunt was well written.
The opening paragraph could benefit from shorter sentences.
I would like to see words that build on the isolation of the cabin to heighten the fear level.
Could you expand on the history of the necklaces? Perhaps something significant about the ancestors.

Keep writing!
2
2
Review by Common Harmony
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What a fun read! I think children will love this as a night-time story.
Recommendations to improve: Perhaps eliminate unnecessary words. "and the riches he needed'. This is repetitive. "What the young prince wanted was", try eliminating the words what and was. Are colors fragrant?
"young prince and his young mistress" Is there a way to say this without repeating the word young?
I'd like to see the last paragraph rewritten. What is essential to round out the story?
3
3
Review of Kevin 1967-1983  
Review by Common Harmony
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
What a moving tribute to your friend. Your struggle to understand his death and surrounding circumstances was easy to understand. The breakdown of the social structure of school "cliques" rang true. What I appreciated most was how you laid out the road to addiction that Kevin traveled. The excitement, friendships, discontinuing of longtime interests, withdrawal from friends and family, engaging in ongoing risky behavior, secrecy, going to any lengths to obtain one's drug on a rainy night is classic addiction.
My suggestion for editing is to eliminate unnecessary words such as "schoolwork...(it) would have.." Perhaps rather than "knowing this" near the beginning could be stated something like, "Having discovered our common interest" or "finding out".

4
4
Review of Little White Lies  
Review by Common Harmony
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is an effective, respectful and heartfelt poem. The first stanza reminds me of the way Emily Dickenson writes. This is a strong indictment of the good people who ask but don't really want an answer, who look, but can't see and who are appeased by the least believable white lie. The poem creeps into one's mind and expands the desire to confront the abusers and reach out to the abused. A graphic description of violence could not be as effective.
I'm not sure I like the seemingly random switch from free form to iambic pentameter or some rhyming of lines but not in a discernable pattern. Just a thought.
4 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mcommon