Good story. I like the detail in the descriptions of the characters and I'm always up for a sci-fi action story. Your grammar and structure looks good as well.
I think that this story probably needs to be longer to do what you seem like you want to do with it. I get the idea that you have a very detailed world that this story fits in and you struggled with trying to show that in this story. I think the length was holding you back and also lended to the mechanical feel to the story.
While reading I noticed you had a distinct pattern you write in: introduce characater by name, then detail character, then move on with the story. There is nothing inherently wrong with that approach but it works best in long works, in my opinion. In shorter works you end up with large blocks of character description which slow down the story. Given that I think that it is best to hook the reader early on in the story, using the first third of it to describe two characters starts it off sort of slow.
I would also have liked to see more detail of the fight, which I think should probably take up a larger portion of a story of this type. How about more sights, sounds, smells, and in combat dialog? Maybe more blow by blow description of the action would benefit this story.
My overall recommendation would be to write more of the fight scene and weave the character descriptions into it and not so much into dedicated blocks.
Overall, I like the concept you cam up with and I think with more length you can flesh out parts of the story you want to focus on more.
Good story, flash fiction can be pretty difficult to write while trying to get a story and an ending in such compact space. I think that overall you did well in those two aspects.
I'm not sure what the limitations were on your flash fiction but one thing that I think you could work on for this particular piece is the dialog. The dialog seems sort of flat and I don't get a sense of the character's emotions in the conversation. However, this could be simply be because you are trying to stay within your word count limits. In any case, I would try to find ways to make the dialog more descriptive if possible.
Another thing is I think I would actually like to have seen more of the ending and less of the dialog or even shorten up the game scene some. My opinion is that flash fiction needs a strong punch to end it. The ending is good but I think more of the emotion and detail of the event would benefit the story.
Overall, good work! I know my suggestions may not work for your story and perhaps your word count won't allow for implementing them.
I think a comma would work better between "son" and "who".
He spilled some on the truck bed before handing it to Leroy, the tall tanned farmer’s son who easily heaved the twenty pound can into the middle of the dark waters.
I also noticed a inconsistancey in the story. In the begining you refer to what the kids are throwing in the water as "Dye" but shortly after that you say that it is "paint".
Another one is that when Horace referes to them both as "Orphans Now" Wiley's father is still alive. I just assumed that maybe he was brain dead and on life support, but you may want to mention that in the story.
Overall good entertaing story. Not what I would call "horror" , but a good thriller.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mcrow
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 11:18am on Apr 25, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "