|Good story. I like the detail in the descriptions of the characters and I'm always up for a sci-fi action story. Your grammar and structure looks good as well.
I think that this story probably needs to be longer to do what you seem like you want to do with it. I get the idea that you have a very detailed world that this story fits in and you struggled with trying to show that in this story. I think the length was holding you back and also lended to the mechanical feel to the story.
While reading I noticed you had a distinct pattern you write in: introduce characater by name, then detail character, then move on with the story. There is nothing inherently wrong with that approach but it works best in long works, in my opinion. In shorter works you end up with large blocks of character description which slow down the story. Given that I think that it is best to hook the reader early on in the story, using the first third of it to describe two characters starts it off sort of slow.
I would also have liked to see more detail of the fight, which I think should probably take up a larger portion of a story of this type. How about more sights, sounds, smells, and in combat dialog? Maybe more blow by blow description of the action would benefit this story.
My overall recommendation would be to write more of the fight scene and weave the character descriptions into it and not so much into dedicated blocks.
Overall, I like the concept you cam up with and I think with more length you can flesh out parts of the story you want to focus on more.