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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/merskin
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3 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Aetherborn
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Lost love is, perhaps, one of the most heartbreaking things that can happen in a lifetime. I do feel sorry for Julianne, to have something that special and then loosing it...

The story is decent, and I find the mystery of the chest to be quite interesting. If you're looking for advice to make the story even better, I do have a few suggestions you may wish to consider. While I enjoy the story, there are some difficulties with the flow. It was hard at times to get into the story- the biggest suggestion I could make would be looking into how to show, instead of tell, a lot of the information you present about Julianne and her relationships. If it can't be shown, think about whether it really needs to be told at all. The focus is on Julianne, her struggle, her lovers, and her daughter. While it makes sense to share information about all of them, putting more detail into the important scenes (like her trying to get pregnant the first time) and ignoring the less important (like what they did all through college) may serve to keep reader attention more focused.

Other than that, there were a few little things with the dialogue- I notice the characters use "I am" a lot instead of "I'm," which makes it sound less natural and more mechanical. Same when Julianne says "I don't want to dance without Lance to watch me. It brings only pain." It might just be me, but I don't really hear people say things like "it brings only pain" in normal conversation. Where you wrote "She asked where it had come from. The shop owner wasn't sure. His cousin was at the shop when it came in; someone had pawned it and never picked it up. Time had run out for them to pick it up," the last sentence seems a tad redundant, you might want to consider removing it.

Finally, this is just a personal opinion and I leave it up to how you interpret the character, but when Lance and Julianne are on their first date and you write that "He developed tears quickly in his eyes," I have to admit I found it a bit of an overreaction. Most men are pretty strict about not allowing themselves to cry in public, even the sensitive ones- saying that his voice got husky, or he looked wounded might be more appropriate.

Keep up the good work, and I wish you luck in becoming an even better writer than you are now.
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Review by Aetherborn
Rated: E | (4.0)
A thought-provoking read, I have to admit. I'd never have linked Jesus and the new testament with Buddism, though I can see the similarities after putting some thought into it. The only criticism I have is the line where you say

"For the first time I opened my door and told you that yes, if you come on Saturday mornings and don’t mind me being honest when I do not have the time or desire to talk with you, I’d be happy to talk to you, I also said something else."

is a tad confusing and I had to read it over a few times to understand what you meant. Other than that little hiccup, I found this to be a well thought-out attempt to extend the olive branch, so to speak, when it comes to those with more militant religious viewpoints. I would also suggest that, if you haven't heard of it already, to try looking into Unitarian Universalism, which is pretty much multivalence as an organized religion.

I wish you luck in dealing with "Sam and Sue," and hope that this message had the effect you hoped it would.
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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/merskin