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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mluvsyu
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8 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Picspace  
Review by Kari ♥
Rated: E | (4.0)
Haha that was a cute last line. Well done, setting up the whole story worked really well... It is always nice to get a smile at the end of a short tale.


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2
2
Review by Kari ♥
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
kitchen door that (, which) was slightly ajar.
boy, but hmmm this text is too long for me to edit this way. so I will simply say look for areas where you naturally stop to take a breath and consider if you need to add a comma there.

I have been getting countless numbers of writing comments/advice saying that I need to reduce the number of had and was words from my text. As a consequence I now notice them more and I think that you could benefit from trying to cut down on them as well. It is sound advice.


friend?” She asked -- should be lower case s in she - when we use tags it means the dialogue is still part of the sentence. also for all the periods inside the quotes followed by tags...those need to be commas.

She looked up from the little one on the floor as (( she answered.))



“Add this wooden wagon set onto the bill please.” ((She said)) picking this section you have essentially two tags we really do not need to have so many tags at all, you could remove both and we would understand it was Audreena speaking.

shield him from it.” this needs to be on it's own line it is not his actions but hers > She hugged the little boy tight.

It is a fine magical tale, but the sentences are simple like for 10-12 year olds and yet it has romance blossoming...decide specifically what age you are writing for, but either way it could use more atmosphere and richer details. I do not really feel an emotional connection to any of the characters...hopefully that grows with each new chapter. I realize no connection is felt in my first chapter or two either...but it is the goal.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of The Fishing Hole  
Review by Kari ♥
Rated: E | (3.0)
They went every day to the pond to fish and when the fish weren’t biting, they liked to to skip rocks. <-- adding the additional words helps with flow. Children are just learning to read and the sentences need to make full grammatical sense. Or at least it helps :P


did” he <-- needs a comma

the formatting may have gotten messed up when posting but the convo needs to have it's own line when a new person speaks.
...How big were they?” “They were...

truth(,) but

It's a cute tale and I suppose a child that loves fishing might really like looking at all the pictures that could be made for this.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Kari ♥
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very cute...but I was confused as to who was saying "I want it right now!" I assume in the pictures it shows her saying it so it would be more clear in the picture book.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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