*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mmmpty
Review Requests: OFF
31 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A very interesting read! I really felt like I was back in time for a while. I've always liked the old steam engines in movies but that's the closest I've ever come to them...

Overall, I liked your descriptions and story-telling. I noticed a few errors:
or tanks to going the refineries at Ellesmere Port.
Our lovely little Class 2 pilot engine has gone for scarp and has been replaced by a diesel shunter.
This sentence could be re-worded: It's a bit different on shed now with the amount of diesels about you don't get the same build up of jobs to be done, so it's taking longer for the driver to fill his ticket.

There were also a few sentences mixing between present and past tense.

Otherwise, it was an enjoyable read.

Write on!

Elle Cyre
2
2
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello!

Sorry about the long absence. Darn computer... Anyway, I finally got around to reading this. I don't have much advice. I just wanted you to know that I enjoyed it and hope you have successfully continued the story.

I did notice some grammatical errors. In a passage of the diary Argil states he "plead" with the wizard. It should be "pled" or "pleaded"
Also, you use "surly" instead of "surely" a few times.

That's all, I'm afraid. I'm still figuring out this new device thingy... I can't upload any material or dissect a document very well.

I'm curious to read on. It is getting very interesting.

M&Mmpty
3
3
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (4.0)
Salutations:(again...)

The last four chapters seemed written a little different from the previous; slower pace, paragraphs describing the passage of time, clearly defined dialogue. It provided a comprehensible read. (I wasn't confused at any point *Laugh* )

Plot & Character:
Plot: Obviously, it has moved along into the next step of the adventure. It's tying up some loose strings and adding more to think about...

Character: I've noticed a slight change in Falroth since the introduction of his sister. Without needing a description of their previous relationship, I can tell she affects him in a favorable way. He tries harder to be patient, polite and caring.
As for Ember, she seems to be the slower one, reluctant, hesitant. I don't know if you intended it that way (as she's softened in her new lifestyle) but she doesn't come across as the carefree sister Falroth describes earlier...
Duhasst...very interesting. I liked his to-the-point dictation and broad vocabulary. His actions also signified a man of rigid intelligence. I'm very curious to learn more about him and his strange past. (Was he trying to fly...?)
I also liked Knot's reaction...'I...fail? It describes why he'd guard something so long...

What I liked most: I found your descriptions very easy to visualize. I liked Ember's description of her meeting with Salia. Several other times, you placed the perfect picture in my head, like "The ground shook like the backside of a predator about to pounce"
I also liked these bits:
“Yachit?” he said, hesitantly.
“It’s pronounced ‘yot’,” said Ember. “It’s fashionable to spell things weird these days, so I added some extra letters.


“Such claims to ownership are nonsensical and illegitimate,” said the man, his expression unchanging.
Falroth whispered to his sister. “I think I like Pangothea so far.”


What I didn't like:
“Better than, back there,” said Falroth. I don't think the comma is necessary.
“What are you doing in my forest?” said the man, in a dark, cavernous voice. Might be best to move that into the next sentence.


Grammatical errors, confusion and/or misspellings:
Here there was a small, trickling waterfall that fed into a slow creak.
Duhasst lead them through the thick vegetation at a steady pace.
At that, he turned on the spot and lead them back into the thick of the forest.
Given the repetition of the latter:
lead [leed]--to show the way
led [led]--past tense of lead
lead [led]--a type of metal element
I've seen this mistake in published work. *Wink*

Write on!
M&Mmpty


4
4
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello

I enjoyed reading onward. Your tale is developing nicely. I see all the different story-lines coming together and making sense. I can tell it's on the verge of another adventure. *Smile*

Overall, it was an easy, comprehensible read. I liked your description of the cafe owner and mansion. The dialogue moved along in a natural way. Just a few petty things bothered me. One, how did an economically illiterate come up with the idea of crashing the system? Two, Falroth's reaction to Milani's identity. It caught me off-guard. I think I mentioned moving the background story in chapter (7?) to later and it would serve as a good precursor before Mersel departs. (Unless, of course, you're aiming for a big surprise. I just didn't remember her name...*Wink*)

And one typo: They've got a real strange obsession here with having a properappearance.

Good luck writing on!

M&Mmpty
5
5
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (3.0)
Greetings:

Why I chose this piece: You thought I might like it...and I did. *Smile*

This does remind me of my work. This genre is my favorite to write (although I don't include fantasy) with its heroic knights and damsels. However, the first part was a heavy dose of dialogue. I identify with deep, psychological conversations--you may have noticed that--but also realize not everyone does. I understand that it introduces the characters and plot (very good, btw) but begs for some sort of action other than walking around a room. Unfortunately, I don't have the answer (yet) on how to correct that. Restructuring, perhaps?

The other issue is repetitive dialogue. Sometimes I find, while writing, that I can't quite express what I want my characters to say. They'll end up talking until I get that "one" point across. As an example, from the second part:

Well of course it’s a good thing! Your nobility’s what makes you such a likable guy. How you've managed, for so long, to hold onto the idea that this life has any meaning or purpose is… admirable. But war is about life and death, not imaginary things like love that only exist in children’s stories. It’s time to put aside sentiments. The ultimate rule on the battlefield is survival of the fittest. Looking out for number one. Don’t get me wrong, your nobility’s great. After all, it’s what got you here. All I’m saying is you can’t count on it to get you back home alive. You understand?”

The blue repeats while the bold is the essential part. I have hundreds of similar examples in my early work. The first chapter had a bit of that as well, the whole get-to-the-point factor. You signified that Arlea wasn't herself and then the conversation repeated it. It's a simple edit, but it does help to be mindful of it while writing...

What I didn't like: Honestly, the prologue. I generally don't like them anyway. I actually liked your description of death--very powerful--but it's a harsh way to begin. The narration changes too, from first-person in the prologue, to story-teller in the first chapter and then to third-person Hestus. I don't know if I'm being told a tale or witnessing it "live."

Plot & Character:
Plot: Very simple, as of yet. Defending a nation against an invading evil. I got the impression that it is only a canvas on which a much deeper, philosophical story will be painted. *Smile*

Characters: Well-described. I understand and sympathize with Arlea. I liked Halden for some reason...he was easy to relate to. I'm actually the most hazy on Hestus. I'm curious as to what makes him tick... Sure, love is a strong motivating force, but can it change a man completely? Doesn't he have any selfishness left? I actually have a similar character. [Here I go again, comparing you to me... oh well, bear with me...] Basically, my character can't do wrong. His main flaw is being too self-less, too heroic. He happens to be my favorite character I've ever invented. Unfortunately, other people say he's boring, no personality, unrealistic, too perfect, a wet rag, etc. I've tried re-inventing him without altering his heroic natural but it doesn't really work. He's still boring... Anyway, Hestus could have ulterior motivation and faults rather than just love and selflessness.

Lastly: I'm assuming you haven't focused much on this story recently, being busy with your other one. It does have potential and I like that you apply a deeper sense of life into your writing. Good luck writing on!

Sincerely
M&Mmpty




6
6
Review of I'm so scared!  
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello again, wjdawes

What an amazing story! Great read, I was fixated the entire time. If it was fiction, I'd claim it was too bizarre. However, as they say: truth is stranger than fiction.
I can't imagine how surreal it felt. Isn't it strange how the memory subsides and it isn't as important or life-changing as you felt it should be?

The words, "I'm so scared" coupled with your sense of something hovering over her as you tried to revive her--simply chilling. I would say that you did more than save her life for a day. You may have saved her soul.

M&Mmpty

Take some time
To make words rhyme
Or try something new
That you’d never do
And when you’re done
It’s really quite fun
To show and share
With people who care.

7
7
Review of The Other Girls  
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Salutations Emerald

Why I chose this piece: Returning a favor...*Smile*

First of all: Your words and descriptions brought the tale to life in a wonderful way. I really felt like I was there. I could see and feel the characters. Very well done.

Further suggestions: Overall, the story is simple, as if a scene from a long novel. I understood Belinda and empathized with her but the ending left me wondering: What was the next step for her? What role did Joffrey have in it? If Gerald was her 'one' how would the rest of her life go?
I don't know if the conclusion was enough of a goal. She finally let go, but to what end?

Grammatical errors, confusion and/or misspellings:
I didn't notice any. However, I had to re-read the first few paragraphs. I wasn't sure at first who was being described, Gerald or Joffrey.

Lastly: You have a gift of describing and creating characters. Add a little more plot and throw in a twist or two.

Sincerely
M&Mmpty

Take some time
To make words rhyme
Or try something new
That you’d never do
And when you’re done
It’s really quite fun
To show and share
With people who care.


8
8
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (3.0)
Salutations wisconsinwannabe

Why I chose this piece: I live in Wisconsin...so obviously was intrigued! *Smile*

First of all: Your title Of Field and Forest is a perfect one. You created a simple, yet picturesque story by using nature. I liked your descriptions of the flora and fauna of our lovely state. I liked it a lot.

Grammatical errors, confusion and/or misspellings:
and the fox, seizing his opponent by the throat, drug him down the tree to his grave. dragged
Some sentences bordered on the run-on variety.
Also, if you removed a few of the "passive voice" verbs (i.e. was, were, had been, etc.) it would help bring your vivid descriptions to life.

Lastly: Keep on writing! I love that you use nature as your setting. If you created personalities and characters from the wildlife, you could make an endless amount of short stories.

Sincerely
M&Mmpty

Take some time
To make words rhyme
Or try something new
That you’d never do
And when you’re done
It’s really quite fun
To show and share
With people who care.


9
9
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Salutations, Warmduscher

Why I chose this piece: Returning a favor...and I always like beginnings *Smile*

First of all: I'll be honest: werewolves aren't my favorite subject. I was intrigued by the various characters though. The idea that something brought each to change in their own way...very interesting.

Random Comment: I read your other piece too. Somehow the personal stories were better explained. Maybe I'm just a sucker for characters, but focusing on the individual journeys might strengthen the narrative.

Further suggestions: I enjoyed the different perspectives but was left mostly confused as to who was who. Also (knowing very little of the subject) the various names of tribes, leaders and such, left me befuddled. I didn't know what the names meant or which ones to remember.

Lastly: Whenever I read a common or popular subject, I hunt for pieces of originality. You have something here...Write on!

Take some time
To make words rhyme
Or try something new
That you'd never do
And when you're done
It's really quite fun
To show and share
With people who care


Sincerely,
M&Mmpty

10
10
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Salutations, Daveed

Why I chose this piece: Returning a favor... *Smile*

First of all: This is a well-constructed beginning for a mystery! I like how you spaced the background plot with the current action. It was easy to understand Margaret's position and gain empathy for her.

Random comment: Margaret's routine reminded me of my grandmother's morning habits!

Further suggestions: I could definitely picture the neighborhood setting but a few descriptions wouldn't hurt.

Grammar mistakes/confusion: A few errors, here and there: run-on sentences, missing commas, etc. Nothing a thorough re-read can't fix.

Lastly: I'm left intrigued and curious to read further. Your main character choice was a good one!

Take some time
To make words rhyme
Or try something new
That you'd never do
And when you're done
It's really quite fun
To show and share
With people who care


Sincerely,
M&Mmpty

11
11
Review of Elsewhere  
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Salutations scardycat

Why I chose this piece: I enjoy reading and you asked nicely. *Smile*

First of all: This is an intriguing introduction to your novel. I am left wondering what will become of Winman Blake. I enjoyed the slight change he experienced towards the end and want to see further transformation.

Random comment: An Emily is mentioned twice in the third block paragraph and then disappears. It she supposed to be Julia?

Further suggestions: The first paragraphs were the hardest to read. Summarizing the lives of three characters and then transitioning to the present left me a bit lost. You described the personalities well. Maybe try rearranging the first part in a way that flows more from the 'here and now.'

Lastly Keep on writing! You're building an interesting world. With time and effort, it can grow into something great.


Take the time
To make words rhyme
Or try something new
That you’d never do
And when you’re done
It’s really quite fun
To show and share
With people who care.


Sincerely
M&Mmpty
12
12
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Salutations L. Rithz

Why I chose this piece: I read the first chapter earlier and was curious to continue. *Smile*

First of all: This is a good introduction to the plot of the main adventure. I liked the depiction of the various races and how you described them uniquely. The finish beckons you to embark with James...

Grammatical errors, confusion and/or misspellings: While I thoroughly enjoyed the visual aids given throughout this piece, I'll pass along some assertive advice I received recently.
Passive Voice 'Was', 'were' and 'had' obviously imply past action or stationary objects. You do a good job avoiding them aside from a few descriptions. Here's an example:

"The antechamber was a small room illuminated by several oil lamps. The windows were all shuttered and locked to prevent prying eyes from catching even the slightest glimpse of the meeting about to take place. The walls were white, though looked pale yellow and orange with the glow of the fires cast on them. The marble floors were well polished, reflecting the images of the two dozen people, furniture, and fires. In the center of the room were two long oak tables pushed together and oak chairs with velvet red padding on the seat and back."

Trust me, I know it's practically impossible to remove all instances of 'passive voice' verbs, especially in describing some person/place/thing. It is worth the effort to attempt rewriting with as few as possible. It eliminates the chance the visual description becomes static or boring.

Further suggestions: More advice I've been given: Characters You bring them to life well in this piece--all except James. The reader needs to connect with your protagonist. If you're well-acquainted with James' personality, let us see that side of him. We want to know what motivates him, what he aspires to be and why. If you're foggy on the details of your story's main character (*cough* Like me!*Smile*) then he/she may come across as flat or boring.
Also, if we're seeing the world through James' eyes, we'll feel what he feels. In this he is rather bored, uninspired and weary. You want your reader to get excited for the adventure; maybe he should have a little more enthusiasm.

Lastly: I hope this helps and wish you success in writing the following chapters.

To write is to create
To create is to dream
We dream to be great
And not what we seem


Sincerely
M&Mmpty
13
13
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Simple Dykie!

A very accurate and humorus rendition of the usual door-knockers, I must say! I too dread people coming to the door for unless they're a neighbor, they usually want to sell something or make you sign something!

However, unlike Chase, our pets flee at the sound of a doorbell (as everyone else does, except the unlucky one to go answer the door.)

M&Mmpty

By the way, now you made me desire one of those delicious: "thin and light vanilla cookies coated in a mouth-watering layer of caramel, lightly sprinkled with just the right amount of coconut, and laced with smooth and creamy chocolate strips." They're my favorite ones!
14
14
Review of Suited  
Review by Elle Cyre
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oh, this was entertaining! I like how you visualize the game of "war" in a literal way, with the Aces doing battle and the poor 2s and 3s! My siblings and I always enjoyed naming the cards of the deck and gave all the Kings and Queens personalites. The Jacks were always our favorite!

However, I personally have always considered the Queen of Spades to be the darkest instead of the Queen of Hearts, mainly from the game of "Old Maid" and "Hearts--Black Lady"

I'd really like to see your take on the children's game of "Go Fish!" THAT would be interesting!
14 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mmmpty