I don't think your punctuation is bad in this. The two things that stick out to me are the meter near the end and the rhyming. I don't read much western poetry, but I noticed this had somewhat of a "clippity-clop" rhythm to it. I think that works with the theme. Makes me feel like I can either read it or sing it. I have no problem with that. But the last couplet has trouble. The meter isn't as fluid as the rest of the poem, and it trips me up. I also felt that some of the rhyming seemed forced. I'm thinking specifically of areas where normal speech is turned on its head for the sake of a rhyme (e.g., "of that there is no doubt"). Most of the rhymes were fine, but the ones that seemed forced draw my attention to the way the poem is written, rather than the story the poem is about. Rhyming is tough to pull off. I think you do a pretty good job. Keep at it, and pretty soon you'll master it!
You are certainly successful at creating an unmistakable mood here. The notion of being caught inside a frozen-over lake, whether real or imagined, is terrifying. I wonder, though, if this veers too heavily into the melodramatic. Maybe that's by design, since our own thoughts are often overly dramatic and extreme. There's a lot that goes unanswered in this. I don't always mind this. We may know just enough about the relationship between the narrator and the woman, but then again, the tone of the narrator evolves so quickly after she appears that we may need to understand more about her role in keeping him in the ice lake. I like the imagery. The idea reminds me of something Edgar Allan Poe might write. I think I just want a little bit more to understand why all this is happening in his mind.
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