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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/msalvo
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2 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (3.5)
Her one-year-old, Lillian, had appeared to be sleeping. After kissing her head, Miss Parsking silently exited the room and ventured down the stairs for breakfast.

After eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, she went up the stairs with her golden locks bouncing, to rouse Lillian. After calling her name several times, Miss Parsking concluded that Lilian must have been in a deep sleep.


You probably want to avoid repetition like this. Try to find a way to change it up a little bit, and it will read much smoother.

Jane's blue eyes swelled as she sobbed uncontrollably. Are you sure you want her EYES to SWELL? Or did you mean to say something else, like "welled with tears" or "swelled with tears" ?

The following two sentences both use the word "proceeded". It ight sound like a small thing, but in a short piece like this, the repetition is very obvious. You should try to avoid using the same phrases over and over again.

The blazing sun half blinded her, so she proceeded to close the curtains.

The stubborn thing still would not wake up so Miss Parsking proceeded to shake her.

I liked what you are trying to do with "twist". I think it works pretty well.

One suggestion I have is that you give the flowers more of a role in the story. Maybe at the end, mother and daughter can pick up the dropped bouquet together, which I assume the mother was picking for Lillian, and plan a ceremony for the dead hamster.

Something else that struck me occassionally through out this piece is that you mention things like the previous night's bonfire, the silky green of the curtains, and eating Cocoa Puffs... things that don't seem to have any relevance to the story. Why mention the bonfire and the texture and color of the curtains if there is no significance to these things?

Eating the Cocoa Puffs, I understand, because I think you are trying to give us a hint about the girls' age, but for the bonfire and the curtains, I suggest removing those references, or better yet, create some type of significance around them, or tie them in to your theme somehow.. If you can do that succesfully, it will flesh out your story and add more depth to it.

Overall, I think your writing is good. I like the way you seem to have formed a concept in your head and then set out to make it work in the story. Seems obvious that you had a clear idea in mind before you started writing. That's always a good plan of attack. *Smile*

Keep it up!

Z
2
2
Review of Cargo  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a pretty intriguing thriller! Did Ross turn into the creature, in order to save her from Frank? Wow. I really liked reading this...

I only found one obvious error...
the shrill cry of rubber on skidding across pavement...

Other than that, it was a great read! Nice job!

ZD
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