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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/musecat
Review Requests: ON
10 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by musecat
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
After rereading this piece, I found that the characterizations from the first part to this part have stayed true. This part is where the characters really seem to develop and they seem to be building relationships. I see that you have dedicated the time and energy necessary to fulfill such realistic characters. You've done a good job of moving the story along as well, and keeping the conflict interesting.
2
2
Review by musecat
Rated: E | (3.5)
As the description states, the message of your poem is clear. You do a good job of ensuring the reader knows what you're getting at.

I think it would greatly add to the way your reader takes in the poem if you added punctuation to this piece. Telling the reader exactly your idea of the rhythm for this piece might help the reader read it the way you it to come across.

I think the second to last stanza shows your skill for setting rhythm and rhyme the best.
3
3
Review by musecat
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Your descriptions throughout the text are very well put. They make the story easy to visualize as I read through it.

The moment when Seto gives the speech... you tell us what he actually says, but I'm curious what his original plan for the speech was. I think it would more definitely show his shift in character there if you give us the main idea/general summary of his original speech before that or around that time to show the contrast.

There are some places where I recommend changing wording when describing body parts, such as when you use the phrase "bubble butt." I recommend using a phrase people haven't heard of before, like you do in the description of the night with Seto and Joan -- describing the "dragon."
4
4
Review by musecat
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First of all, I love the positive spin you put on sex work and polyamory; we definitely need more of that in our society.

Throughout much of the text, it felt like the dialogue was unnatural. Seto is a character where it makes sense for his dialogue to be short and choppy; however with the rest of them, I think you should work on first developing their characters, and from there developing their style of speech. One point of dialogue that I found to do match the characters very well was between Laura and Roland when they were leaving work. Excellent use of dialogue right there!
When you used "lol" as dialogue, I think you were doing that because the character was nervous, but I'm not 100% sure. Clarify! Or otherwise, I recommend not using text lingo as dialogue.

The pants scene was funny! I'd suggest you push it a *little* further and offer more detail. More wacky details can make it funnier. (But be careful, you don't want to push it too far.)

Towards the end, when Marc and Joan are meeting Mokuba, the sudden shift between Marc glaring down Mokuba and then suddenly leaving felt out of character. Marc seemed very protective. Maybe he should be hesitant to leave?

If you have any questions, let me know (I know this was an awfully long review). I'd be happy to look at this again if you make any changes due to my feedback and let you know what I think of the edited version!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of BUILT-IN SMILE  
Review by musecat
Rated: E | (4.5)
This poem is very well constructed, especially with the set rhythm and rhyme you have. It stays consistent throughout the entire poem, which is very aesthetically pleasing. The one thing I question is if you wanted a break after (almost) every line. Punctuation in poetry indicates a pause.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Incarnate  
Review by musecat
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The concept here is fascinating! The execution may need more detail in order to add to the horror aspect of this story. For example, in order to build suspense, it may be more effective to have more sentences together in a longer paragraph than to have each new piece of info on its own.

I love the twist that the mother becomes the doll! That's a fresh idea! Another suggestion I have is to add an "inciting incident" before you get to the big reveal that the mother and the doll switched places. Typically, before a climax, there is rising action that leads up to it. Maybe the doll moves on its own? Maybe the mother hears the doll speaking somehow?

All in all, you've got a great idea! Thank you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by musecat
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The "Barnes sure ain't noble" pun at the beginning is what got me to keep reading. The use of language makes the narrator seem intelligent, but not overly so. It almost seems like a persuasive essay in favor of changing the presumptions people make with uncles, but it was written in an informal and humorous way. At the end, there's an unexpected IRS scam, and blackmail is brought up. Was that meant to be ironic - the uncle was defending the good uncles all around, but then he turns out to not be that great either? Overall, very well written.
8
8
Review of An Unlikely Trio  
Review by musecat
Rated: E | (5.0)
The rhyming is not only funny but also effective. Diction proves accurate based on the characters and their roles. Great job.
9
9
Review of Falling in love  
Review by musecat
Rated: E | (4.0)
The rhyme scheme is pleasant, as is the rhythm. There's a lot of abstract language, which makes sense as the subject itself is abstract; however concrete language can usually be played with more to make the poem more... full. The title tells the reader what exactly is happening throughout the poem. Just a suggestion: change the title to something that guides the reader to know what it's about instead of saying it? Overall, it's very realistic and clear. Nice work.
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