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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mwelsch678
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am willing to give a thorough review of both grammar and style. I will be honest but not harsh. I won't sugar coat anything, because I don't feel that helps anyone. I look at everything: plot, character, development, etc. I am very particular about grammar and description.
I'm good at...
Attention to detail. I'm really particular!
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (all subtypes), Romance, Erotica, Horror, Mystery, Thriller, Drama, Satire, and more
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry, Essays, Religion, Sports
I will not review...
I will mostly review anything! :)
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Parlor Tricks  
Review by Dawnshade
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Review for: Ray Scrivener Of Parlor Tricks


Anything from your original writing will be in magenta and anything that I have re-written will be in blue. Let's get started then! *BigSmile*

Overview and Suggestions


Description

I think for the description factor, you have a really strong start. There were a couple of things I noted that perhaps could use some different phrasing or more elaborate descriptions. Here are some examples, but just remember these are just my examples of how something could be re-written. It doesn't have to be that way:

On an ancient couch, a little boy sat. His hazel eyes were glued to the TV, watching a cartoon snowman running away from a grizzly bear. A glass table stood in the center, bearing a steaming heap of pancakes.

Re-Write: A little boy sat in the middle of a timeworn sofa where the cushions sunk in. His hazel eyes were fixated to the TV screen, entranced by a cartoon snowman running away from a grizzly bear. A glass table sat before the couch, a heaping pile of freshly cooked pancakes placed on the center of its surface.

The interior was a wonderland of tacky collectibles, porcelain dolls and animals crowding tiny shelves.

Re-Write:Tacky collectibles, porcelain dolls, and stuffed animals littered cramped shelving across the interior of the room, creating an ambiance of an antique wonderland.

Emotion

For emotion, I did feel like there was a good balance here. I could feel the irritation from Delphinia when she answered the phone call from Garett or the angry grief from Gladys when she re-told her abuse by her husband.

Dialogue

I'm not sure whether this would fall under the description category too, but I included it in the dialogue category since that's what it involves. So this is an example I noticed right away:

"Delphinia introduced herself, looking around the cluttered living room as she answered."

It would feel more natural if you wrote out her actual introduction rather than a vague description about it.

Re-Write: "My name is Delphinia," she replied as her eyes glanced around the cluttered living room.

Grammar/Mechanics

I found some basic grammatic errors, which you said you would like for me to point out. So here they are:

"Where the hell are you?" Garrett was in one of moods again, that tone of irritation was all too familiar.

Re-Write: "Where the hell are you?" That tone in his voice sounded all too familiar. He was in one of his moods again.

It was a charming place, if a little antiquated. Now the landscaping however...

Re-Write: It was a charming place if a little antiquated. Now the landscaping, however...

The interior was a wonderland of tacky collectables, porcelain dolls and animals crowding tiny shelves.

Re-Write: The interior was a wonderland of tacky collectibles, porcelain dolls and animals crowding tiny shelves.

Overall Impression

I got goosebumps at the end! Super creepy... Although, I had a feeling something wasn't right immediately with Hunter in the beginning. So I think it is definitely a good piece of writing. Like I mentioned, there are some thing that could use some tweaking or enhancing, but as a general whole, it was an enjoyable read!
2
2
Review by Dawnshade
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Review for: RJLloyd Of The Stalker's Notebook - Chapter 1

Overview and Suggestions

Description: Overall I think the narration did pretty well. There were a few times where I felt there were unnecessary descriptions. For example:

"They waited for her in the hall as she pulled together a black on black outfit. Without much thought, she opted for a black canvas bag that she had gotten at some business convention over taking her Prada purse."


I can see the emphasis was made to be on the black canvas, but the description of the black on black outfit or where she got the canvas bag, I felt, was unnecessary detail. When you're writing detail, remember for your readers, you have to convince us to care about what's happening.

So, as an example, that sentence could be re-written into something like this:

"The couple waited for her in the hall as she retreated to the bedroom to slip on an outfit. Absentmindedly, she reached for a black canvas bag rather than her signature Prada purse."


Remember, that's just an example.

Emotion: I didn't see anything wrong with the emotional portrayal, so good job!

Dialogue: The dialogue between the characters could use a little bit of work. I felt at times it wasn't relaxed. Here's what I mean:

"“We have some questions about a complaint you filed,” Dickov said.
Laura looked at them and how they made an awkward coupling. He was in charge.
“Was it a week ago?”
“Yes,” he said as if playing along.
“In regards to Dr. Bender and Altheim?”
"


That last sentence, "In regards to Dr. Bender and Altheim", I'm not sure who is speaking. If it's not obvious who the speaker is, a dialogue tag should be added.

""We have some questions about a complaint you filed,” Dickov said.
Laura looked them over, noting how strange of a coupling they made.
“My complaint from a week ago?”
“Yes,” he said. “In regards to Dr. Bender and Altheim?”
"


Grammar/Mechanics: I found multiple grammatical errors, but I will only include a few of them here.

She had hoped that they would have breakfast together even if it was just a ‘Starbucks’ run downstairs. (It appears that the verb was should be in the subjunctive form when used with the word if. Consider changing it.)

Out of habit she pressed the black button on the device cutting off her doorman’s familiar voice. (It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase Out of habit. Consider adding a comma.)

She had of course asked them this too (separately) over and over again in various formats. (It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter of course. Consider adding the comma(s).)

Overall Impression
I think overall this is a good beginning! There are some descriptions that need some working around, but as a general whole, you did well. Good job!
3
3
Review by Dawnshade
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review for: Melondthera Of Darkenfell chapters 1-6


Writing Strengths–What’s Working in this Text

         • Description: You’ve done a wonderful job at the physical description of the characters. I could picture each one well with how they were described. The clothing description was also a strength here as you ensured to describe the garb that worn. It's difficult to describe how clothing looks, so good job!

         • Emotion: I think you’ve done a good job at conveying the character’s emotions, whichever scene they were in, which for me as a reader I feel is very important.

         • Dialogue: The dialogue between characters seemed natural. There were a couple of spots I wasn’t so sure about, which I have addressed below.

Writing Improvements–What Could Be Worked On

         • Grammar/Mechanics: I saw a few times where there was a comma when there didn’t need to be one, or missing a comma when there should have been a pause. Example:

"You don’t need to talk," Tanya teased as she stood fastening her jerkin and brushing the dust from her, breaches she threw back her head gathering her black hair into a knot. Reaching for her helm placed it on her head so that most of the hair was, covered

So, how can this be re-written for a better sentence structure? Here would be my take (and remember, this would just be my example–it could be written however you want it).

"You’re one to talk," Tanya teased as she stood, fastening her jerkin and brushing the dust from her britches. She threw back her head, gathering her black hair into a knot before she reached for her helm. She placed it atop her head, concealing her hair from view.


Overall Impression
I think you have the beginnings of a great story! I would be interested to see how it continues. I think fine tuning would strengthen your work, but it still stands strong as it is. Good job!
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