Review for: Melondthera Of Darkenfell chapters 1-6
Writing Strengths–What’s Working in this Text
• Description: You’ve done a wonderful job at the physical description of the characters. I could picture each one well with how they were described. The clothing description was also a strength here as you ensured to describe the garb that worn. It's difficult to describe how clothing looks, so good job!
• Emotion: I think you’ve done a good job at conveying the character’s emotions, whichever scene they were in, which for me as a reader I feel is very important.
• Dialogue: The dialogue between characters seemed natural. There were a couple of spots I wasn’t so sure about, which I have addressed below.
Writing Improvements–What Could Be Worked On
• Grammar/Mechanics: I saw a few times where there was a comma when there didn’t need to be one, or missing a comma when there should have been a pause. Example:
"You don’t need to talk," Tanya teased as she stood fastening her jerkin and brushing the dust from her, breaches she threw back her head gathering her black hair into a knot. Reaching for her helm placed it on her head so that most of the hair was, covered
So, how can this be re-written for a better sentence structure? Here would be my take (and remember, this would just be my example–it could be written however you want it).
"You’re one to talk," Tanya teased as she stood, fastening her jerkin and brushing the dust from her britches. She threw back her head, gathering her black hair into a knot before she reached for her helm. She placed it atop her head, concealing her hair from view.
I think you have the beginnings of a great story! I would be interested to see how it continues. I think fine tuning would strengthen your work, but it still stands strong as it is. Good job!