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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/neverblade
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18 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Review of Chocolate Monster  
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An extremely well-rounded and perfected story. You weren't kidding in the slightest when you said that you only uploaded your most polished works onto your portfolio. I found no spelling or grammatical errors in the work, but here are my suggestions on things you could possibly tweak or consider changing.

"Unfortunately I manage to control myself..." I'm not sure if you actually mean "fortunately" here, but the words "unfortunately" and "manage" don't really fit together.

"...especially not with that hairy ape!" Who is "that hairy ape"?

"...a raspy voice interjects when I pause..." Right now "raspy voice" makes it appear that the voice is slightly more important in the story than it actually is. This clarify, you could put "a raspy voice from the audience interjects" instead.

“Tomorrow marks the day the beginning of my continued friendship with every chocolate bar I can lay my hands on." First of all, the word "of" should be put between "day" and "the", or you can just put "marks the beginning". However, the words "beginning" and "continued" contradict each other, which makes the sentence read awkwardly. Finally, "every chocolate bar I can lay my hands on" isn't quite what I would predict hearing from someone who has convinced them-self that they aren't actually addicted to chocolate. Just "friendship with chocolate" would work.

"I simply consume chocolate like it’s water and I’m hiking through the desert." Again, not something I would expect the character to say. They're trying to argue that they aren't addicted, and that their addiction isn't really that bad. Placing a simile here on how much chocolate they eat is slightly counterproductive.

Please keep in mind that some of the omitting that I would do in your place is a matter of personal preference, and I am of course by no means you. I hope my feedback has been helpful, and best wishes on all your future writing!
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
An interesting story that could really fall into the "mythology" category. Quite a nice short story. Here are some things that you could consider tweaking and changing to make the whole writing read smoother.

"Once the world was full of light. There was nowhere to hide from the light." You can put a sentence in the middle here, specifying on what kind of light it was. Bright, brilliant light? Glaring, burning light?

"Soon the world became overpopulated..." The word "soon" here isn't needed, due to your previous sentence.

"...eaten since nothing would ever die." I think "could" instead of "would" is the better word for this sentence.

"the bright bright light people stacked the old ones (still alive) together to make boxes." I don't understand this sentence, and "bright bright" seems to be a typo.

"...but she still wanted to escape. So the child of sleep touched her face..." Since these are different children, you can separate these two sentences into different paragraphs.

"...only to have an angel want to kill him because what he is doing is wrong and it’s an abomination." This sentence is awkwardly worded. Perhaps you could word it such:

...only to have an angel appear to kill him because of the abomination that the angel thought he had done.

"...he went — the children all lived separately and would only come together to see their mother — and asked..." Parentheses might work better here.

I've noticed that throughout the story you jump between past tense and present tense. It's confusing like this and makes the story choppy.

I hope my feedback has been helpful, and best wishes on all of your future writing!
Review of My Family History  
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: E | (3.5)

A decent little article about a subject that's always close to home. Here are some little errors that I found. In a short article, it's always important to have everything clear and understandable.

"started to reaearch..." Spelling error, should be "research".

"All in all, my paternal line was something of a disappointment. I next examined the line of my paternal grandmother." I don't quite know if paternal is the correct word for both of these sentences, as they slightly contradict each other.

"I knew my grandmother was born a Protestant, converting to Catholicism when she married my grandfather." You can also phrase it as such:

I knew my grandmother was a Protestant turned Catholic, converting after she had married my grandfather.

"...the last earl of Bellomont, He was a colourful..." The comma should be turned into a period, and "colourful" should be spelled "colorful".

"Unfortunately, because of the destruction of records during the Irish Civil War, there is no way of nproving any direct descent." The word "because" can be replaced with the word "due" if you so wish, and "nproving" is actually "proving, I imagine.

I hope my feedback has been helpful, and good luck on your future writings!
Review of A Time and Place  
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very well written short story. Brings in a decent plot in a surprisingly short amount of text. In short, I enjoyed it. Here are some things that you can tweak to make this story read smoother, as well as personal preferences that you might consider changing.

“Change the song; it's making me weep.” Weep is a strong word. While adjectives are a blessing upon us all, the word "cry" might better fix the context here.

"...time and place, and sometimes that place is the last place you want to go." Word repetitiveness is a little pet peeve of mine. The first two words "place" work because you're trying to describe the same thing. However, you can phrase the last part to not use the word "place" for a third time. A suggestion:

...time and place, and sometimes that place is somewhere you never want to go.

"It had been a long time ago and of course it had been my fault." The phrase here "of course" makes the protagonist sound more like he's complaining about his bad lot in life. It could be omitted if you wished.

"The couple we had been waiting for knocked at the apartment door at that moment and off we went." I don't really understand this sentence. Who is "the couple"? Why were they waiting for them?

"Her quick smiles had a kind of sad hesitation at times, but it passed quickly." First of all, the phrase "kind of" isn't quite necessary here. Secondly, you could put another sentence after this, mentioning how this may have troubled the protagonist slightly, but it never really bothered him enough to care.

"She was almost desperate, wild to biting and scratching." Maybe it could be better phrased as:

She seemed almost desperate for me, wild with her biting and scratching.

“You are a vampire like me now.” Possibly the most important statement in the entire story. However, it's slightly awkwardly stated. Here's my suggestion:

You're a vampire now. Like me.

You could also put the name of the protagonist here, since I can't find it anywhere else.

You're a vampire now, Joe. Like me.

"She had been right too, after thirty or so years we grew apart. It’s the hunting all the time I guess. Love is dangerous for us." There are several things you can consider changing here, I'll just put down what I what have done:

She had been right. After thirty years or so we slowly grew apart. It's the constant hunting, I guess. Love is just too dangerous for us.

"Not growing old together, having children all the things the mortals have in common, we can never have those things." Run-on sentence here.

Being unable to grow old, to have children, to have all the things mortals can have. We could never have them.

Now, some extremely tiny issues:

Please put a period at the end of your summary/preview. *Pthb*

There are two spaces between "that" and "pull" at the beginning of the story.

For the last line, there might be a comma after the "says". However I'm not too sure about that.

I hope you don't mind that I'm being so picky here. It's really a compliment, because if I stayed general then I wouldn't be able to criticize at all. I hope my feedback has been helpful to you, and best wishes on all of your future writing!
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Excellently written and very emotional for such a short writing. The child's innocence adds to the passion that this story has. Here are some small things that you could fix:

"It all looks the same, Pap." Maybe "They all look..." might be a better phrase?

"Gold and purple metal glinted in the slanted rays of the sun as it fell to the ground." At this moment we don't know what actually fell from his pocket, so say that its a medal in the sentence or in a sentence before it.

"It looks just like the sycamore on the hillside behind the house." What is "it"? I'm pretty sure it's the sycamore tree...but I had to go back and reread that to logically figure that out. A little clarification wouldn't be bad here.

"They stood at the foot of the grave, the missing generation between them was never felt more heavily. " Strange tense here. The first part is in past, the second in present. Try putting the whole sentence in past tense.

"His father died shortly after Shaun was born, and he went to live with his grandfather after his mother died four years later." I think it would be less confusing if you put "father had died" and "he had went" .

"...usually when his thoughts turned to, what if?" What if what? If you bother italicizing this part, then you should also elaborate further.

The monologue about Shaun feeling the loss of his father is put in a strange place, right in the middle of a conversation. It does however provide some useful information for the story. Can you place it in a different place or make the transition to it slightly more seamless?

"He paid the price for the freedom we enjoy, never take freedom for granted." Awkward sentence here. I think it would be better if you made them into two sentences. Or you could put a semicolon if you wished.

I hope my feedback has been helpful to you. Good luck on the contest and best wishes for all your future writings!
Review of The Dreamer  
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a brilliant short story. What went from a fun field trip turned into a deeper, philosophical conversation between teacher and student, and I enjoyed both parts of it. I found that I was unable to criticize the plot or characters, so I'll instead list some of the little things I noticed in the writing.

The first thing I'd like to bring up here is the "Mr" commonly used throughout the story. I think "Mr." would be more grammatically correct.

"The children resumed their chatting, giggling and hair pulling." A comma should be added after the "giggling". Also, you might want to consider making this lone sentence part of the paragraph above, as the two do fit together.

"But, beggars can't be choosers, those of us without the fortune to frequent the Caribbean must take opportunities where we can.” You can either separate the two sentences, or put a semicolon between "choosers" and "those" instead of a coma.

"the agony of having a thought crushed flowing through like a wave of uncertainty." A wave of uncertainty is a realistic emotion for Jack to be feelings, however "like a wave of uncertainty" simply doesn't make sense in the sentence.

"...a knowing smile permanently etched on their faces." The word "knowing" here doesn't quite match the context here. Considering their previous conversation, perhaps "satisfied" or "confident" might better fit here.

You're an amazing writing, and I hope my feedback can be of help to you. I wish you luck on all your future writings!
Review of Hunted  
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Excellent. I assume that the story isn't finished, so I shall refrain from commenting on the plot, character, or story-line. Here are some little things I found:

"Agnes forged ahead, drifts of snow obscuring her view of the vast, mountainous landscape, her hands frozen in gloves too thin, her face a swollen pink mass." The reader discovers two things from this sentence. One is that Agnes is traveling, the other is her terrible physical condition. I would separate the two into separate sentences, allowing for the reader to know both subjects at greater detail.

I believe there is a hyphen between the "snow" and "in", so "snow-ins".

"With each step her boots tried to stick..." The word "tried" gives us the idea that the boots are alive. Unless you're going for personification, a better phrasing might be "With each step her boots stuck into...".

"With one swipe..." I assume there was a knife, but I had to go back and reread this section for it to make sense. Where did the knife come from?

You're good with words, a decent vocabulary and a nice sense of phrasing your sentences to prevent run-ons. I hope my feedback has been helpful, and good luck with all your future writing!
Review of Trick or Tweet  
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. An amazing story, hands down. Brings up some very interesting points, a different side to the miraculous technology that we're creating so quickly. The flip side of the coin, one might say.

I really must commend you for taking the time to write this. I haven't found any spelling or grammatical errors as of now. The plot is wonderfully realistic, the characters both interesting and real, the conflict down-to-earth. Here are a couple things that you might want to consider tweaking:

The idea of religion in this story can be interpreted as the counteraction against the monster that science has become in this story. It appears that the characters in this family are Christian, or some form of it. Flush this out a little, make it a bigger part of the story. It would provide a source of contrast and a constant hope throughout the story.

The idea of a terrorist attack on ALL the countries of the world seems a little outrageous to me, as opposed to the rest of the more believable story. There usually is a goal in mind when damage is being done. But here, it appears that the hack was done simply for the sake of chaos. Chaos can be taken advantage of, true, but we don't see much of that happening besides the mobs and the armed gangs.

I hope my feedback can help you in any way! You're an outstanding writer, and I wish you luck on all of your future writing.
Review by Demacian Freeman
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Before I say anything else on this review, I need to say this: run-on sentences.

This story has the potential to become an extremely enjoyable read. Unfortunately, there are numerous spelling and grammatical errors in the work that detract from the otherwise immersive plot. I won't point them out to you, as they can be picked up by a simple double-check, and I find that finding the mistakes yourself is always more satisfying when they're fixed.

"You see the castle was built over the remains of an old fort..." the sudden shift in view is jarring, if put bluntly. Perhaps you could put a simple "The castle had been built..." instead.

"...looking at the map she quickly recognized it as a map of the old catacombs under the castle, but no one had ever mapped them." I don't quite understand this. I can't tell whether it's an error or if you're trying to tell me something I don't quite comprehend.

"That day before she left, she wrote a letter to her parents..." Seeing as the story is already caught up to this point in time, there's no need to tell the reader what time she does what action.

Rosalia and armor obviously have some sort of connection. However, I an unaware on where this connection actually starts. Perhaps she can have some sort of attraction to armor and such when she's a child? It would make the actual connection much smoother and easier to read through.

Again, I think this story has an opportunity to become great. You certainly seem to be willing to place a lot of effort into your writing. I hope this feedback has helped you, and I wish you luck on your future writings!
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