|This is a great story. Your dialogue is superb, and your pacing is perfect. I felt just as tense as Brian throughout the narrative and had to keep reading to see how it panned out. You put Brian into an awkward situation, one he wasn’t ready for, giving the story a worthy conflict. This is a situation that every guy has been in at one point or another in his life, and it’s extremely relatable.
The ending is brutal, but in a good way. As men, one of our greatest fears is that we’ll experience “equipment failure” at the worst possible time and that fear is realized in Brian, although he handles it well. You put a little anger in there, which I felt was as much a result of her condescension toward him as it was to his not being able to perform. Hell, the “failure” was probably a result of her attitude as well, and not as much the beers he drank.
I really enjoyed this, and I do have some suggestions and take them how you will. As with all reviews, they are merely my opinions as to how I would have written it myself.
The first paragraph is a bit awkward, especially tense-wise. You write the story in the past tense, so start with that. “This was, after all, a workingman’s family club, very unlike the youth club which I was used to. A lot of the people there were middle-aged or older, and I was afraid some of them might even know my parents.”
Paragraph three: I’d phrase the sentence as “Tommy was a workmate from the locomotive department, and a few years older than me.” You don’t have to say that he worked at the locomotive department because that’s implied by describing Tommy as a workmate.
Further down when you discuss Brian’s thoughts of leaving, I’d combine the sentences here: “go home aware that the youth club would be closing soon, but I knew if I did…”
Change “she seemed to stare at me” to “she stared at me” (my opinion, as all of my suggestions are.)
When they leave the dance floor and “pulse” is discussed, eliminate one of the mentions of the word. “I thought I could feel her pulse although I was not sure it wasn’t my own as my heart thumped in my chest.”