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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nuray
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12 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of THIS MOUNTAIN  
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (3.5)
peeks/conker/Howell seems like spelling errors- peaks, conquer and howl. It's/a busy place might work in line 6. Lines 3-4 does a good job, I think, of establishing some atmosphere which contrasts with.the last 4 lines. Finding suitable rhyming words,if that is what one likes, is not, I think, easy, but you've done a good job of it.


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2
2
Review by noodles
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Would like to read chapter one. Good showing - of characters' appearance and some indication is given of Zolfie's reaction to the doctor's instructions. I assume that he was introduced in chapter one, and that a background to the events being described here was also provided.. What does the narrator feel? Perhaps some showing there would help to make the girl in the white dress more rounded as a character? If, however, this is an attempt, with no background provided, to start in the middle in order to spark interest in the reader, it is successful. Shows promise.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (3.0)
Beautiful poem that speaks of the wonder,positivity and promise of rebirth that spring brings.just a few things that I can't quite figure out. What do you mean by "enfold"."that are a gradient,/apparently./at them as they are irradiant/To our liking that we would say in a precious prayer.'? perhaps finding another way of referring to the blossoms in the same stanza would be nice, or is there a reason I am probably missing, for the repetition? How do the blossoms "praise" us/ Why?
Although I do not always understand your word choices, I do like it, e.g. radiant, vibrant, beautiful, grace. A great attempt at expressing the rebirth of life through poetry.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Forgetting what he was doing, the right tire crunched." I think this means the right tire was forgetting...? The story flows beautifully, shows the manipulative nature of the wife and the strong emotions thoughts of having mom too close have on Andy. The reader wonders why Andy does not want his mother around on a more permanent basis, despite his "allegiance" to her. The reasons are not clear at first, but things are gradually revealed.Realizing these injuries diminished.. should perhaps be...less formally stated?.

It becomes clear later where Jessie's disciplinary methods stem from, and due to good characterisation, where her manipulativeness comes from as well. She seems to feel one is either on her side (as she wants Andy to be) or not. Doing the former will be confirmation of love, doing the latter makes her feel unwanted, therefrom the extreme, unexpected reactions to Andy's responses.
Her plan shocked me; was probably supposed to be prepared for it by aforementioned strong emotional responses; was this an abused wife leaving her husband, or a self-centred narcissist unable to deal with the fact that she is not the centre of anyone's universe?
Not quite. One learns from what one lives; experiencing a different role model helps the main character come to her senses; narcissist or not, she is still a mother. Wonderful story.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Incident  
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (4.0)
"just more of the story," should probably be "more stories," as if this "guy" is used to plying them with improbable tales. The subject (We) of the sentence " pretending he was mad because we didn’t believe him." cannot, but should be, referring to whoever was "pretending to be mad."
"it happened over next to the flat place and he was standing on a shiny rock too!” makes sense only when I read your unexpected twist at the end. Well done!





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6
6
Review of U.I.A.I.A  
Review by noodles
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting start with onomatopoeia to catch the attention of the reader. Good characterisation of Jack as a self-pitying immature male. Hopefully being chosen to attend this school will help him to grow in maturity. Description of buildings good try. The way that the news of parents' demise was given to him could be described in more detail, and his reaction could be shown in more detail as well. A few errors in punctuation and spelling, e.g. Jack being a proper noun needs a capital letter. Character's dialogue should start with a capital letter e.g. 'sit..." Next speaker's dialogue should go on a new line. tense should be consistent unless referring to past or to future.


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7
7
Review of The Monk  
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (4.0)
You sound like an accomplished poet. I enjoyed the poem and admire your conversational style and the easy flow of the poem; I love poetry, but would never dare to attempt it, certainly not such a long one.Your introduction sets the tone for the humorous nature of the poem. The brother is successfully characterised as an oaf who likes to nit-pick, and the sister (she's female?) as normal, in contrast, and long-suffering. I like your use of imagery in e.g. the third last stanza. few spelling errors, though e.g. "noise"'/ nodded my head -no other part of the body can nod, I think. Good job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review of Friendship  
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (3.5)
It is clear from the word choice that friendship plays an important part in the speaker's life.I can tell even though it does not wholly resonate with me, because I have somewhat distanced myself. The poem is well structured, with repetition to emphasise, and rhyming to create flow. I do not however understand the image in the last stanza, second last line. The last line sounds like a wish more than a fact, and I find it a bit difficult to see how it relates to the whole extended metaphor in that stanza. Wonderful poem, though. Poetry writing is more challenging than story writing, i think, so good attempt.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (3.5)
Great writing stamina! I enjoyed the poem,but perhaps a little too long for me.The best parts are the rhyming which adds to the effect, simple words making it clear that the speaker is a child. We get some idea from the speaker, who obviously know a lot about roos, because he/she loves it so much, of the ups and downs (visitors and moonlight matches) in a roo's life. Good trick to not make it clear- keep us guessing as to the gender of the speaker, perhaps to make the point that not only boys like roos?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Victim again  
Review by noodles
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting attempt at expressing the frustration I assume people of differing orientation sometimes feel. You use some strong words "devour, disturbing my equanimity" etc, word choice making it clear how deeply you were affected. However, I am confused by "accident/will". can a person accidentally fall in love? Does one feel such tremors in your body and then call it trifling or are you showing your attempts to protect yourself against further pain/humiliation because of previous rejection? The wording does not make this clear.
11
11
Review of My Name Is Salma  
Review by noodles
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Good introduction. It makes the reader want to continue reading to find out why the character is lying. The description of walks and meetings with the second character is well-written and the story thus far is easy to follow ( i hope you will continue...). The use of first-person narration limits our knowledge to that of the main character; I 'm not sure if it is as effective here, although it does make it more personal and will give us an opportunity to experience discrimination with the character. Perhaps more showing of events surrounding the story and affecting the character's decision to perpetrate such a lie, and others' interaction with her, would contribute o even more enjoyment of this story. It is certainly educational


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