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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/oboylelau
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2 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I am a high school English teacher and I'm used to checking students' work and giving feed back. I tend to give an overall opinion of what I feel works well and what might not work so well. I will probably not point out grammar/usage issues, unless they are significant. I personally try not to comment on how something is or should be written because your voice is different from mine, but I may make a suggestion or two.
Public Reviews
1
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Review of Birds  
Review by LO
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central"



Birds was a very dark story. It made me think a lot of short stories like The Yellow Wallpaper by Charlotte Perkins Gilman. There seems to be nowhere for Rozanne to go to truly be happy. She is trapped by people in every direction she turns. I felt sorry for her and was rooting for her, wishing she could escape her life and everyone around it.

There were several grammar/wording/usage errors that were distracting to the story. I feel this is a definite good start, but it does need another draft to smooth out the word choice and to clarify the descriptions of the situations and characters.
*For example: “‘I am so sorry that you see it!’ Rozanne said, but it was too late.. Besa had been asleep, but her muddy eyes were still open.”
**This part is a little confusing. What did Rozanne mean with “I am so sorry that you see it!”?
*Another example: “Eventually, she ended up to Dave’s house. Now, the house looked like a dark castle. She lifted her gaze to the window of the closed room. Normally, the curtains were always pulled down, but now they were raised. She approached the door and knocked. There wasn’t answering.”
**I think this is what you might mean: “Eventually, she ended up at Dave’s house... She approached the door of the dark house and knocked. There was no answer.”

This story is a good start to a short horror story. I appreciate being able to read it and look forward to seeing what another draft will do for your story. Thank you for sharing.
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