I don't usually gravitate toward sci-fi, but this was a really intriguing piece, starting simply with the captivating summary.
Not only does this snippet give enough information to generate the scene in my mind, but it dives into action, tragedy and the psychology that goes on during it all. The story still leaves questions: How will the team ultimately take action, and will they succeed in saving the cities? Who is behind the threat and what is the driving motive? And on a smaller scale: What kind of effect are these simulations having on Lawrence? Is he as disturbed and reluctant to continue watching the screen, or does he become desensitized or even empowered from his task? Since we don't have a whole lot of information on the character to begin with, the questions pile up.
I don't know if this was intended to be continued or not but I feel it could go either way. You've constructed enough of a frame to make a strong point but you've also left it open to be built upon. Overall, I found this to be an excellent read. Well done.
Wow. The first paragraph of this was grabbing. The description of the scene makes the land feel similar to the flight of a bird -- the rolling hills and the coastline that curved gracefully towards the horizon. That was just the image that came to mind, and then the paragraph ended and I had to laugh: "But this was a pigeon."
I wasn't sure where this was going for a little while as I tried to grasp at details to get an idea of what was going on, but enough was given to whet the appetite. I found myself, in just a few short paragraphs, feeling incredibly hopeful for Aran (I love the name, too), and horrifically disappointed when he fell and bled out. However, I found myself a little pleased that he did get caught -- not for him, but for the factor of an interesting story. If our characters had everything go easily and pleasantly for them, nobody would ever write again.
I like this, and I would love to read more. This was a very nice snapshot of a new world. It's not at all pretty, and that's what makes it beautiful.
This is intriguing. A lot can be deduced about the two characters and their predicament from just this small piece, and it would really be interesting to see where this goes, or how it may have begun. Why was the boy still so peaceful when waking from sleep -- is he too young to know how frightened he should be? Or is he using his fear to keep himself quiet and collected? The woman is clearly strong, at least emotionally, to be able to stand up and fight her fear instead of giving in and losing her life as a certainty.
This, I gather, is a rough draft or thereabout, so the few errors didn't bother me, but it could be cleaned up a little. Some sentence structure and grammatical flow could be revised. The chunk of text could be broken up a little more into separate paragraphs. Personally, I've always loved the power and depth that comes with standalone statements as a full paragraph. The last sentence, for example, could be used as such, and it would make the piece feel more powerful. Just my opinion.
I also really loved the title, which is what got me to click in the first place. Maybe it's not really you "title" title, but it was perfectly vague and unrevealing, which made it more grabbing for me, more curious. Good start!
This piece was wonderful! Very imaginative! I love how you took concepts and ideas that we're all very familiar with and turned them into tangible people and places. Your dream characters were highly interesting and compelling. I would love to learn more about them as well as the world they function in and how it works.
The beginning did not give many hints as to where the story would go, but instead got into the idea of the character, leaving the reader hungry to understand. When the story did begin to come to life it was entrancing. This had me imagining the old black and white cartoons where they personified the seasons or the little suds in toothpaste that clean your teeth!
The way this short story was delivered has a professional feel to it, very well written.
Such a sad piece, but so easy to relate to! Although the language is somewhat vague it's easy to feel what's being conveyed. The emptiness that comes with a long-distance relationship is terribly difficult to deal with, especially when it feels like the emotions are not equal on both sides.
Well written!
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