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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ominoa
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15 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Apollo
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
         ...Whoa...
         This chapter was incredible. The best item I've read in awhile. You've got an amazing gift, here. The characterization was excellent, and so is the narration and the metaphors, especially the "peanut" among the sea of liquid iron. Superb.
         However, there were a few problems that kept me from giving you a 10.0, and it's the fact that, like I do sometimes, I think you got carried away with yourself, because you skidded beyond the border of a rule of literature, and that's anti-telling. In some areas, you either gave too much info, or gave it in a too direct manner. For example, we don't really need to know that his habit of making himself obscure with minor movements traces back to his childhood. We can educatedly assume that it's a childhood habit, and, as we all know, habits define us, and they're hard to break. You do that throughout, explaining some of Danny's actions, and past info. And, as for the sentence "...I am weary of the cold. Not only that, but I am also hungry." You missed a chance on a lovely metaphor here, by banal telling. You could've said something like "The cold stung my chest and my stomach roared". That adds more paint to this somber picture than a simple "I was cold and hungry".
         And, what I also think is a result of you getting carried away, you sometimes interrupt the story with Danny's thoughts. ("Why can’t Roberto see that all Nigel wants is to take over?") These, and any narrative thoughts (in this tense, anyway), are better left being alluded to in a more indirect manner, or adding somehow in dialogue. When they're stuffed in between action, it gets disruptive.
         Otherwise, I just loved it. This is a powerful beginning right here. So, excuse me as I read the rest. *Smile*
2
2
Review of Simon  
Review by Apollo
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
         This was a good, interesting story. A few problems, however.
         "Revolted, he rubbed it off and walked into his class." The "revolted" is unnecessary. If he rubbed it off, it shows he's embarrassed or disgusted by it in some way, anyway. Watch that.
         "He had learnt that when they made that sound they were teasing him." Comma's needed between "sound" and "they".
         "The teacher looked at Simon, then the bully and his eyes narrowed." How could a human narrow him/herself? I don't get what you meant, there.
         The narration was the biggest problem. It was mostly good, but, due to your trying to hard to make the tone of it childish, you made it repetitious, sometimes, by not changing your sentence style with the "He did this" and "She did that" and whatnot. Also, some lines in this story would've been better off being emphasized by standing alone amongst paragraphs, such as Simon hugging Amy at the end. Instead, such an action that deserves emphasis doesn't get its chance to shine. So, vary the sentence style, and emphasize.
         I liked it, though. Just work on the errors and keep writing. *Smile*
3
3
Review of Him  
Review by Apollo
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
         This was a good poem. However, there were a few problems with it.
         First of all, the second line in the first stanza needs a period between "afraid" and "that's me", so as to separate the clauses. The grammar within lines of stanzas stay steady in poems.
         Also, words with more than two syllables within a poem tend to make the rhythm awkward, sometimes destroying it. That's what happened several times, with "paranoid" for example. Other times, the rhythm is off all on its own due to a lack of balance in each line. The word "halt" doesn't fit in, either. Its very presense and pronunciation ruins the sad mood, seeming like it was just thrown it to rhyme with "fault".
         Reduce the syllables if possible, which, with evening the words out, will establish a better rhythm, and only use words that fit with the mood.
         Otherwise, it was good. Keep writing. *Smile*
4
4
Review by Apollo
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
         This prologue began in monotony. This is because a lack of varying sentence structure. By that, I mean constructing sentences of various lengths and styles. Without variation, a story lies like a stale sea, despite whatever grandiose plot and whimsical language you have.
         You can fix that by combining the first two sentence. The first three "paragraphs" even. Fixing them, as a matter of fact. No adverbs, first of all. Painful suggests slow, anyway, so show us her pain, and you kill two birds with one stone. And, one second, she had just painfully sat up from her bed, and the next she's at a window. You not only made a sudden jump, but you just threw away a great chance to show us her struggle by showing us struggle to get to the window with its wonderful red light. No show, no flow.
         You don't flow steadily from one paragraph to another, which are what paragraphs are for: to direct the flow of a story. The first step to doing that is indenting, which you didn't do. About 80% of this story is one big paragraph. Without the organization indenting grants, one can get lost easily.
         And it was in that very paragraph that the most problems were in. 2/3 of that huge paragraph is a run-on quote. You began the paragraph with a quotation mark, but, with jumps from dialogue to narration (which is improper in itself) you didn't officially end it until 2/3 of the paragraph. And, even then, in narration, you jumped to either what I would call dialogue or stream-of-conscious narrative. One needs quotation marks. The other needs italicization. You figure out which one you meant.
         Also, some narration is superfluous. "Another" and "again" both suggest that the subject is being continued. No need for both. Add that with the lack of contractive dialogue, and the fact that Shenna is so descriptively and figuratively recalling such a traumatic event, and it sounds pretty unrealistic.
         Subtracting items add much more. Make the memory more vague, at least to the audience. Don't have her recall it so descriptively. Emphasize her struggle by having her fight the memory. Change the way you go about the entire paragraph.
         Found a paradoxical sentence, too:
         Even though I am immortal I can still be killed and if wounded badly enough I could die.
         The second clause disproves her immortality. Therefore, she has none.
         Also, "the sweet sent of blood" should be scent. Don't know why it would be sweet, either, unless Shenna's a vampire. *Pthb*
         I liked the figurative language but that's about it. There's potential here, though. Consider what I said.
         Write on. *Smile*

P.S. Is "Day of remembrance!" the title of the prologue or the real first sentence? If the former, remembrance needs to be capitalized and the title needs to be separated.
5
5
Review of The End  
Review by Apollo
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
         ...Wow.... That was powerful.
         But...just one thing. In the second paragraph, the two speakers are jumbled up one after the other. Every speaker gets a new line.
         And, just a very minor thing but, maybe, for the next time, you want to make what happened less obvious...for dramatic effect, that is. Have her hear it on the TV or something like that. Two parents sort of wouldn't yell like that, knowing their naive child, that doesn't know what's going on, is wounded in the next room. (Maybe a father would, being more aggressive.)
         Otherwise, it was perfect. Good job.
6
6
Review of After The Fall  
Review by Apollo
Rated: E | (5.0)
         Short, but sweet, just like this review will be. *Smile*
7
7
Review of One Year  
Review by Apollo
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
         I liked this poem, but, at times, the rhythm of one line didn't match the next. Watch out for that. And, also, I found a grammatical error. "A life together we can weave." A comma's supposed to be after "together", in this case.
         Otherwise, it was great. *Smile*
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