I really enjoyed this story. It begins with a mystery and fearful emotions and journeys through a sense of family and an awareness of an outside force that is not benign- Central Office. Ending with "and so much more..." hints at a new stage of growth. Excellent. Keep writing!
Hi Damon,
Thank you for sharing Galactic Racket. I enjoyed reading it and got a good laugh out of it. The writing is clear and easy to understand and free from glaring errors.
I do think the story could be improved by tightening up the descriptions and cutting unnecessary explanations. For example, most of the background about Magnus and Horris is unimportant to the plot, and the emphasis on their poor academic skills conflicts with their cleverness in figuring out the scam and how to profit from it.
The twist at the end was the best part, especially in that they were not content to simply get paid, but instead managed to talk their way into being business partners.
It's a good story. Keep writing!
The concept is interesting and easy to relate to - people do, "have relationships," with their notebook computers these days. So I think you are on to something that can yield a good story. But I think the writing needs another pass through some severe editing.
Here are two examples of what I mean:
(1) "Files were scattered and damaged until they no longer could even be opened." This feels awkward, mostly because of the passive voice. Try changing it to active voice.
(2) "I panicked and tried to reason with Dell, going through the motions ..." "Going through the motions," is usually what we do when we are not very interested in something. This choice of words seems incompatible with feeling panicked. Try something like, "carefully following the procedures," instead.
Love it! The smooth flow had completely pulled me into the story so that I was completely taken by surprise when it was revealed that Chester is a cat. It really gave me a laugh!
One thing though, after the reveal, I found myself reflecting on the question of why the TV was on if Chester was home alone. Is there some way to slip in an explanation for this?
There is a rhythm to this essay that draws the reader in and there are more than a few beautiful sentences. It is also clear that the author has spent considerable effort in learning and thinking about Japan. However, the effort to attribute so many aspects of Japanese society to the influence of Zen is, at least for me, unconvincing. I was also disappointed that the praise of positive aspects of Japanese society was not balanced with more recognition of the problems of a society which has very high suicide rates, an estimated one million people who are afraid to leave their rooms (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hikikomori), and numerous cases of death from overwork each year (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karoushi).
Of course, the content is heavily qualified by saying, "This is merely my own flash of Zen." But the analysis that leads the author to call Japan, "a magnificent and refined model society," does not seem like, "the middle way." Passing judgment, positive or negative, is not part of the middle way.
I like the writing! But the content needs more work, in my opinion. Have a nice day!
Note: I have spent about sixteen years total in Japan and currently live in Osaka.
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