This poem drew an emotional response from me. I have been there, despondent. I have also felt so complete in love with another, only to feel the loneliness and isolation when the relationship ceased to be the blissful thing it had once been. I think this is a common experience to which many can relate. You have articulated it very well in this poem.
I particularly liked this part:
"One by one
drops of pressured truth
Fell heavily
Burdened us
The thunderous truth woke her
Relevatory lightning opened her eyes" [Did you mean "revelatory" here? No big deal; I got what you meant.]
This was the turning point of the poem, and it is an excellent portrayal of the honeymoon coming to an end. I am left wondering, though, what the pressured truth is. Was it seeing things that begged to be overlooked in the beginning?
I really like this. I can feel myself there tagging along with Tye. Sometimes, I get bothered by the paradox of someone telling their story after they are dead, but this one works. The writing is very clear, and although the narrator explains a great deal, that works too. You have good imagery here, but not too much. I'm not sure I can think of anything that would improve it. Well done!
Just so I could get some context, I went to your profile and read the other parts of this story first. Your story certainly draws me in. I have so many questions. Chief among them is: Why are the people being told not to cross the wall, that the people on the other side are dying? At this point in the story, I am sure that is what I am supposed to be wondering. On Dove Carol's side of the wall, the world seems to be medieval. On the other, I am guessing it is modern. These are just impressions from the descriptions of clothes and living conditions, though. I don't have enough detail to say that definitely, and I am not sure it matters. All I know is that it seems like one side of the wall has it very good and the other very bad but that those that have it bad are, for some reason, being told that they are better off.
I'll digress a moment. One minor item I might point out is your use of the clause "on the other hand." When I use that clause, I am usually comparing two viewpoints of the same situation. The way you are using it, I might say "quite the opposite" or "on the contrary." This is very minor, though, and it does not detract from the fine story you are telling.
Back on the subject of the story itself, the final part of each installment, written in italics, flashes to a completely different world. I am wondering if it is Violette's past or Dove's future. Perhaps it is something different entirely. I will be very interested to see how this other plot intersects with the main story.
Overall, great job! I'll eagerly watch for the next part.
This is an excellent short story! My favorite part was the ending when Mark realized that the supposed attacker (from the spirit world?) turned out to be just a dog. It made me chuckle.
I also liked your attention to detail, introducing the character, why he was out that evening, the details of the truck, the storm, and the cemetery.
The detail can perhaps be a two-edged sword. For a short piece, it started a little slowly for me with a description of the meeting and the details of what needed to happen in terms of chores. These add color and introduce the reader to the character, but I'm not sure they add much to the story itself. This is just my opinion, though. Other readers might react differently.
A very minor point was your use of "unbelief" in paragraph 12. Given that the pace of the story had quickened, and this was a reaction on Mark's part, I would have used "disbelief" instead. Again, though, this depends on what you were trying to convey.
Overall, great story. I was drawn in and interested. The twist at the end was priceless.
I really enjoyed the way you play with words here. The detail with which you describe your physical reactions, coupled with your attempts to analyze it, caused me as the reader to feel the strong emotions that might accompany being surprised at seeing a horse in one's garage. Beautiful piece.
This is a fascinating poem. I have sometimes thought that parts of me were speaking to me, that I was not alone. It is an interesting notion that some other being might join one during their meditation. In the poem, I was not sure if the person asking "who are you" and "what are you" was the main character or if the main character was relaying the other parts of the poem. Perhaps it doesn't matter. Perhaps both speakers are the same, but perhaps they are different entities. Nice work; very thought provoking.
As I read this poem, I wonder what the circumstances of the burning were. Did the artist him/herself burn it? In that case, is the burning a form of art in itself? Was it an accident? Was it censured by another? There are so many possible variables. From the poem, I see the matter of principle, too. What makes one work of art better than another? If this painting burned, which artwork is next? Are any works of art safe? Who made the value judgement of one piece of art over another, and who is he or she to judge? The second and third stanzas use some interesting verbs -- "yearned" and "churned." What do you mean when you use these verbs? For what did the Mona Lisa yearn? Did she miss her fallen comrade? Was Mozart agitated, perhaps rolling in his grave? I'm not asking for answers; I am just processing into the keyboard here.
As far as punctuation, it is workable. I'm guessing the commas after "yearned" and churned" are to replace the word "because," but I could be wrong.
I really like the content of this piece.
The meter, rhyme and darkness give effect.
And, no, I'm not going to continue the meter and rhyme scheme to do the review as a sonnet unto itself, although the thought occurred to me briefly. The content does not disappoint; it definitely is dark. Because the statements were broken across lines, I had to read it more than once to get it. But I often need to do that with Shakespeare as well. So, you are in good company.
Sonnets often have a turning point about two thirds of the way. In their classic form (and I'm looking at Wikipedia here so I can remember the exact details), sonnets have a turning point at about line 9. This sonnet has its own twist of not really having the argument/idea or pain/hope structure. Instead it has a then/now structure that makes the switch at line 12.
If I were to offer constructive criticism, I would probably pick on your rhyme scheme. I got the two Shakespearean style quatrains at the beginning, but I'm not sure what was happening for the rest of the poem. This might have been because the rhymes were kind of slanted in places and did not rhyme in the strictest sense. So, if you were going to be a purist about it, you might want to work on tightening up the rhyme, and you might map out your rhyme scheme in the header of the posting so readers like me don't get confused.
That said, given the subject matter, I'm not sure it's as important to match one of the classical sonnet structures. I found the poem to be engaging and well written. I was able to paint a picture in my mind as I read it, and the sonnet told a story that caused me to think. Very nice job.
I really enjoyed reading this short story that takes the form of a video suicide note. It is intriguing to read a story from the perpetrator's point of view, which in this case is a GP, turned assisted suicide doctor, turned serial killer. The motive of being fed up with hypochondriac patients coupled with the justification of saving the NHS some money is believable. The reader is caught in the dilemma of wanting to hear out the main character and and wanting to condemn his actions. In this case, I couldn't find myself siding with the main character because it wasn't like he was taking out zombies or vampires or even people who mean harm. I came to the conclusion that this guy was a bad guy, and I really only wanted to follow the story to find out what possessed him to become the monster he turned out to be.
You have a nice mix of dialogue and first-person narrative. The story kept me interested throughout. I don't have anything major to add for constructive criticism, so I'll offer something minor. You might want to look through your story and check for run-on sentences. For instance, in the third-to-last paragraph, first sentence, there should be a comma before "and I can understand that." I found at least one other occurrence as well. That's really all that comes to mind, though. Great job! Keep writing.
This is a funny story, although my current workplace sensibilities temper my laughter when I think of the hostile work environment you were in. I guess that was pretty typical in 1970, though.
Your writing is detailed enough for me to paint a picture of the scene in my mind but not so detailed that the story gets lost. Nice job. One thing I might suggest is considering your medium and audience in paragraph three. The first two sentences make it sound like you are telling the story, over tea, across a table. If that is your intention, I'd say go with it. If you want to make this a short story in written form, you might want to dispense with this part or try to work in a smoother transition from situation to episode.
This is a good poem. It truly does show the nasty, brutal, short side of life. The free verse seems appropriate because, on the face of it, these things don't seem to make sense, and to apply rhyme and meter to it would take away from the effect. Philosophically, I would say that, while you observe these things one at a time, I'm guessing you keep observing them, right? I do. Life keeps trying. Life keeps going on despite the unfriendly conditions. While it appears to lose the short game, it seems to find a way to win the long game. Great writing. Keep it up. And cheer up, at least when you're not working on a poem like this one.
To answer your question, yes I get the last line. Sadie did manage to "Tom Sawyer" the other two, although not in the way that the original Tom Sawyer did it. If I recall correctly, Tom Sawyer not only tricked his friends into doing his work for him, but he had them wanting to do the work so badly, that they were willing to trade things for the privilege. In this case, it seemed like the two co-workers just felt sorry for Sadie and wanted to lend a hand. I like your use of dialog, and you manage to convey a good scene and story in a short space. Nice job! I think the story is pretty funny.
When I have purchased greeting cards for Valentine's day, my wedding anniversary, or my wife's birthday, I generally have preferred free-verse, unrhymed poems. For such a subject, rhyming poems usually sound cheesy. I have since realized that I should really be writing my own poems for cards because I can. This being said, your poem is the type of format I would choose as a message to my sweetheart. It is the type of poem I would try to write.
As for the content itself, your poem is personal. It seems like it could only come from one person as a message of love to another, to be shared in private -- probably not at a wedding. As I read it, I get a sense of the pauses that might occur as it is read aloud. The repetition of the words "you found me" and "I chose you" amplify the message.
You write as one who wasn't really looking for love, but it found you. You have a jaded tone when you write about your past potential suitors, and it sounds like you had chosen to go along the path of self-completion rather than hold out much hope for the opposite sex, at least until the person you are addressing came along and found you.
All in all, I really like your poem. I can't really think of any suggestions for improvement. Nice job!
I like your idea, here, of telling a zombie story from the zombie's point of view a la third-person limited omniscient. Other zombie stories I've encountered portray them as being brain dead. The main character here appears to have conscious thought although the instincts imposed by the zomboid affliction overpower all else. But even with her becoming a zombie, she still has a conscience. Some things, such as eating too much of her own son, repulse her.
You tell a story that I want to keep reading. It keeps my attention until the end.
The spelling and grammar could use some work. I will not go through and mark up your story because you can easily find spelling and grammar checkers online that will do that much. Another helpful trick is to read the story out loud to yourself or to a friend.
The main thing is the story, and you tell it well. Nice job. Keep writing!
I like this story. It starts with what one would expect when changing worlds, that is disorientation and then slowly trying to make sense of the new surroundings. Your description of the persona of Death is conventional; it is what I would expect from other stories I've read and from movies I've seen, but you do a good job in your detail. If I were to convert this to a screenplay, I would have no trouble figuring out how to describe casting or costuming. If I were to spend a great deal of time, I could probably give you some pointers on spelling and grammar, but there wasn't anything obvious that stuck out, so none of the mechanics detract from your story. I'm not exactly sure why Death gave this person a second chance. If it is rare, I suppose it isn't just that he puts suicides back to sort things out. He does say something about the universe becoming out of balance. The only thing I can really think of in the way of constructive criticism is that this seems more like an episode in a longer story than a stand-alone short story. I want to know what about the universe is out of balance and what the protagonist does about it. It leaves me expecting a chapter two. I hope you are planning one.
I like this story. You do a great job with imagery and with the thought process of the main character as the meaningless trinket he had stolen became something of great significance. I have read ethical musings about how much harder it is for someone to wrong a person whose face one sees than to wrong something faceless like a corporation because one imagines in the latter instance that no individual person is being harmed and the corporation "won't miss it." I see some of this in the main character's thinking. He begins by thinking about how the wronged parties will get over it and that this is "just a hunk of metal." Through the piece, as he examines what he has taken, it becomes more than just a hunk of metal, and the people become more than just random strangers. Whatever he does after the story -- whether he returns the article or whether he keeps it as a reminder of the significance of his action -- he has grown. I can imagine that perhaps he will not take stealing so lightly again. Very thought provoking and very readable. Thanks for writing this, Dan. Keep it up!
I really like this poem. It makes me want to sit down and write some fiction.
I'll take a shot at answering your questions:
1. I think the title is fine. I did not know where you were going with it until I read the poem. If it weren't for the short description, I was going to guess it was some sort of readers' manifesto.
2. Here is what I observed with respect to punctuation:
a. Stanza one, sentence one: Insert comma after "itself." Omit comma after "gods."
b. Commas generally appear before the end quotataion mark even when the quotation marks are around single words in a series, but you could probably omit all of the commas in the first sentence of stanza three.
c. The first line of stanza four is probably a sentence unto itself. The second line can start with a capital letter.
3. I found the poem to be very interesting and not too long-winded. If I'm getting this right, the first two stanzas talk about how the readers think of the writer with one request from the writer that he or she will not "begrudge our judgment." The real requests, or more to the point, challenges come in the second two stanzas for the writer to take up his or her writing instruments and write something. I put it much more succinctly here, and as you can see, making it much shorter doesn't do your statement justice. I think your poem should not be any shorter.
Thanks for writing this. It is a thought-provoking and inpiring read!
This is a very interesting thought. I heard in a religious class, once, that a lot of discussion about kingdoms and the attributes of a king are lost on modern people because we don't know what it is to live under a benevolent king. We only think of a dictatorship and the antithesis of democracy.
To what you write above, we also tend not to think of the Garden of Eden as slavery, but you make a very good point to that effect when you suggest that Satan might have served as a liberator. I think of how, if I lived in a communist state such as the former Soviet Union, I wouldn't be troubled with the million complications of having to choose which clothes to wear or which toilet paper to buy. Are the people in Russia better off now? Some, I think, want the hardliners to restore some of that simplicity. (Although this may just be propaganda by those same hardliners.)
Perhaps the critical thinking and the freedom that Satan bought us added a different burden that can also be oppressive. We, however, are our own oppressors. We wouldn't have known anything different if we had remained in the Garden, so we might have remained happy. But here I am defending dictatorships and bondage to a master in the same way that you have defended Satan.
None of this is to say that I see Satan as the good guy. I have lived too long as a Christian to easily give up the outlook that God represents all that is good and The Devil represents all that is not good. This article DOES, however, cause me to think, and I will probably continue to ponder this notion for the next few days. Thanks, and great job!
This story is very well-written. The dialog is believable, and you developed the scene well enough for me to picture it even though the piece is relatively brief. It helps, I guess, that the story is familiar. The ending is a bit of a downer, but you warned us in the intro that it would be, and I must admit it is a rather clever twist on the story. I considered briefly, while reading the story, whether it was really Peter Pan or if it was an imposter tricking the souls of the children to come with it. Whatever the case, well done!
I really like this. The lack of punctuation and (mostly) capitalization reminds me of E.E. Cummings' style. The nature of the phrasing reminds me of Shakespearean soliloquies. For myself, I could take the content in a couple of different ways, but what I am mostly gathering is that you were in a very dark or melancholy place when you wrote this. You are not wishing on nature the misfortune of encountering you as you are at that point, but you hope to quarantine your mood. With poetry, it is difficult to come up with opportunities for improvement since poetry, by its nature, is a free form thing. If you had attempted a sonnet or something, I could rate your technique. As it is, I see a really good, thought-provoking poem with elements of some great authors in its style.
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The content does not disappoint; it definitely is dark. Because the statements were broken across lines, I had to read it more than once to get it. But I often need to do that with Shakespeare as well. So, you are in good company. 
