My review may seem to ramble a bit…my apologies. I first of all want to share that I enjoyed the piece and think you have a talent for writing in this genre. Erotica is not an area I delve into much and seem to skirt the edges in my own writing. Nevertheless, I find you write well and keep the story focused on the message and enhance it with the sensual nature of erotica. So, understand I am a little out of my element. But, I recognize talent where I see it and think you should refine this into an even better piece.
My first critique is related to what I call ‘aesthetics’ of the piece. I feel a work should feel good in the hand. When you open the page it should present itself well, making a good impression even before you’ve read a word. There are times with the coding in WDC prevents us from formatting the page as we want to. That may be the case with your entry. If it is, then shame on WDC for placing that limitation on us. Nevertheless, three things speak to the aesthetics of this piece.
1. Double space: I encourage you to not double space this piece. A 1-1/2 space would be okay, but the double space puts way too much white space on the page and “feels” awkward…especially between paragraphs.
2. Color text: I encourage you to not use color text in your piece. If you wish to differentiate between texts I would personally use italics before changing colors. The different colors are distracting to me. I don’t think it is necessary since the story is told from the narrator’s point of view.
3. Indent: I know the books say to either indent or space between paragraphs but not both. I say, “Bull!” I have indented with my 1.5 spacing for years. I find it is easier on the readers and therefore is very ‘reader friendly.’ Over the years I have received numerous comments saying it helped the ‘look’ of the text. As a matter of information, in my business I required all my reports to indent the paragraph as well as provide 1.5 spaces.
Next critique relates to grammar. There are two words which are greatly overused by writers. Mastery of using those two words have helped my writing tremendously. The words “that” and “had” are overused. We insert those two words in our conversational speech constantly. Although we get away with it when we speak, the written page is not as forgiving. If you do a word count on the text you will likely see how many times you have used those words. Be very judicious with passive sentences.
1. Remove the word: When you read the passage, you may often be able to remove the word and it reads quite nicely. Example:
“When humans had first engaged in space travel they had discovered that the universe held many races more wondrous and more dangerous than them,”
“Her primary school teacher once had told her that her pride would be her downfall
2. Substitute ‘which’ for ‘that’: On many occasions the word ‘which’ may be more appropriate than ‘that.’ Example:
“She had no right to the panic that which was almost suffocating her,….“
3. Active instead of Passive: Change passive sentences into active sentences. Example:
“By her own actions today she had proven proved to lack basic self-preservation….”
“So, why had did she chosen choose this?”
“She had spend spent her whole life curbing her overactive emotional state, …”
“At least she had managed to return a semblance of control to her voice.”
“At sometimes over the last few minutes he had lost his shirt and …”
As far as the story in general, I liked it. It does seem to be a chapter from a book. I felt like much had been explained in the chapters preceding this one and I just missed it. There is a little explanation that needs to be done for the reader to understand the setting. Immediately, we are informed it is Sci-Fi by the alien characteristics given to the Sheyan warrior. However, we are left to our imagination as to what that means and what his position is in the scheme of things. Likewise with the damsel in distress. I have no idea of how she got in this position; and perhaps that is not important. Nevertheless, a little explanation would be helpful.
This piece is certainly worthy of refining work. Perhaps someday there may be chapters available for the rest of the story. In any case, I will be reading more of your work.