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173 Public Reviews Given
175 Total Reviews Given
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Overall, in-depth reviews about: *StarfishB* General Flow *StarfishB* Plot *StarfishB* Story development *StarfishB* Character development *StarfishB* Dialogue *StarfishB* Grammar *Star* Items only up to 3,000 words *Star*
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I like approaching every story as a reader first, and my comments and suggestions come from that view. Fair warning: I'm a picky reader! *Geek*
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Action, romance, drama, sci-fi, fantasy, procedural, horror, supernatural.
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Poerty, lyrics, essays, stories for children. Only fiction oriented to YA and up.
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76
Review of Hear Me Cry  
Review by Prelooker
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi!
One word for this: striking.

You sure have a way of pushing a reader straight face to the swirl of desperation Sarah is drowning in. So much I'm not sure I want to read more!! (kidding). I wish I had the guts to write something like this, and word it as clear and raw as you do it. You sure know how to squeeze somebody's throat with only your words, and that's very rare to find.

Now on to the real review:

*Plot, chars and setting:
You only say there's a desperate woman and you mention a slot machine. Up to chap 3 there's not even a name.
You should consider giving out a little more starting info. Not much, but her name instead of one of the firsts "she" would work. And when you say how she always screws it, you could slip some "30 (or whatever) years old and never a good call" or something like that, and there you give us her age. Slot machine speaks of some sort of casino, but then we have her driving her car. Let us know when we changed locations, and/or if time passed by. Diving into her crisis is thick enough, and not knowing when or when or even who makes it harder. It reflects her mental state alright, but please throw us readers a rope not to end up like her!
There's no hint whatsoever of what kind of story this is, other than "angsty". Consider if you want to hint about that two. Is it Sarah's story, so this is a very angsty slice-of-life piece?

Zoom in:

These aren't actually three chapters, but an introduction, up to "chapter 3", which seems to be the real starting point.

That "her story......" is not needed. Consider to use some good old cliché like she got lost in her memories, and then jump back in time to the school playground.

"Feeling like the small crab running back and forth, running in circles trying to avoid the next crashing wave or the dog chasing his tail." Consider to add a coma between "wave" and "or the dog". Review the general length of the sentences. I know sometimes they feel like a long all-in statement, no commas needed. Read them aloud, see when you need to pause to breath, or when the stress changes, and there you have your missing comma/s.

Tenses don't seem quite clear. You write in present, but then you take it to a "had awaken", but it was this very morning. So it should be this very morning she woke up etc. Skipping tenses back in time makes the story sort of confusing. Keep the "had+whatever" for the moment you start writing in simple past, at chapter 3.

Like you can see, there are only a few things to correct.
All in all you have a dreadfully powerful writing, and a great way to hit the nerve. You're not afraid of words, of saying things just as they are, and that takes both skill and guts!
Don't lose it.

Last but not least:
You say this is your story of addiction, obsession and mental health. And you categorized this as Non-Fiction.
Are you sure you want to open this for literary review? If you want to just share your story, there are sites to do so without the reviewing proccess. But exposing it to literary review may backfire on you if somebody (me included) notes or points something that upsets you, because the real point is not to become Shakespeare, but to share your experiences. And that's the last thing anybody (you first) wants: you feeling bad, or down, or upset because of a review.
You need to write? Write like hell, till your fingers bleed, your eyes blur and you can't draw or type one more word without passing out. That's what writing is about. But give it a second thought as to where you share it, to get the kind of rapport you really need.

Thanks for being brave and most of all thanks for sharing!

I found this piece posted at "Newbie Help And Support Review Central

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