The sole purpose of my review is not to demoralize you but to give you an insight from a third person's point of view . Also feel free to review "THE PAYBACK" from my portfolio.
Theme: Now, i am not sure whether the poem is a manifestation of Lord Budha's "Enlightenment" or something more personal, but the theme of the poem is very unique.Something that not many would take up as a subject matter.Kudos for that.
Content: I feel a kind of detachment from the treatment. The content could have been treated with more details. I mean when people go for salvation, whether eternal or external, its the journey that matters. After the initial bouts of discomfort in a condition far removed from normal existence,what did the person in question "feel". The "light" bathes you at a later stage. First a kind of calm sets in. Your entire existence comes to flash. Then nothing matters. Your mistakes don't make sense neither do your triumphs. "clover" usually signifies luxury which i think is not what can be sensed at this point.
Words: i loved your choice of words.Gave the poem an ethereal and earthly feel at the same time.
Structure: the sentences could have been broken to catch a rhythm. For e.g:
One morning I woke up
With an unflinching determination,
To conquer all my senses
Was my resolution.
So I prepared myself
For the day ahead,
And promised not to have
A pinch of bread.
The phrase "a pinch of bread" which i guess is the literal translation of "anya ka ek dana" in hindi is incorrect. Could have tried "a pound of bread"-just a suggestion.
Also: "I could not feel my senses and then I realized I was with His"- this is quite vague. The ultimate purpose of salvation is to remove your baser senses. Highlighting that was unnecessary. Instead you could have told "how" they were removed. And"then I realized I was with His" does it mean you were in God's sense? That cant be true. Because God is the vessel where we submit our senses. if he had some of his own that defies the purpose of absolution.
Now that's my opinion. Please do not be dishearten.