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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/propeller
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8 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Propeller
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really like the simplicity of this piece. The poem does a wonderful job of portraying corruption, hopelessness, arrogance. Because of the few words in the poem, the title becomes very important. Even the position of the title above the poem can be taken to have significance: above gods play games, below the mortals lose.

Short short poems are hard to do, and I think you did a nice job with this one.

Nicely done!
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Review of Trinity  
Review by Propeller
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can't say I entirely understand the piece, but I really like it. The first line throws me. It has a nice rhythm and sound when read aloud, but I don't understand "Trinity Charms". Line 6, also throws me a bit, since a masks mouth is assumed to be unmoving. I don't think it only needs a tiny bit more detail, since I don't think the strangeness should be explained, It just needs enough to give the reader a hint of what makes it strange. For the most part, the vagueness of the poem is what makes it good. If you make future edits on this poem, I recommend being careful not to add too much detail or explanation.

The imagery I get from this poem is nice, something like a faded mask in a pawn shop or a dim corner of dusty museum. I can almost hear whispers, not words, spoken by the mask to anyone that stares at it for too long.

Nicely done!
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Review of My end  
Review by Propeller
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting piece. It's unsettling, but I'm thinking that is what you were trying for.

I like that the first line is "The end". I think you should consider dropping the last line. Not having the second end, "How will my tale end", and ending it with "A hand of a loved one" almost makes the poem feel backward with "The end" at the beginning, and no real ending at the end.

Nicely done!

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Review of PTSD  
Review by Propeller
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall: I really like this poem. The first two stanza isolate the narrator, sets an unpleasant tone, drops the reader into an immediate problem, and almost makes the reader a bit paranoid. The rest of the poem puts depth to the feelings and stretches the immediate problem into a chronic feeling.

I love the first two stanzas, they have a chaotic, fast rhythm that seems like eyes jerking around a loud, crowded room or the fast, staccato notes of a drum. Perfectly unnerving.

In this case, I like "they". It turns it into a world vs. the narrator scenario which I am positive was intended. This narrator is alone in a crowded world.

Stanza 3, line 2: This stanza has a nice sort of "two stroke" rhythm that is somewhat interrupted by line 2. It would be awsome to maintain this rhythm while retaining the meaning of this line. Off the top of my head, I can't suggest a way to do that.

Stanza 5, line 4: The fact that the narrator has a "one true love" suddenly, almost jarringly makes the narrator less alone. Consider changing this line to "I choose to" would seem to maintain their isolation, but also tie in nicely to the courage shown in this stanza's first two lines.

Stanza 6, line 4: I like this line, but it clashes with the last line of the previous stanza. If the narrator has a true love, it seems that at least that person would try to understand. If the narrator is receiving nothing, it brings into question the value of the true love. I think this is another reason to change the true love line.

Very nicely done.
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