|Hi, I picked this up from Max Griffins page; I love reading how he reviews; It's a good way to learn.
I don't want to but in, but I stumbled across this and found it quite helpful.
My lack of attention span would put goldfishes to shame, there is a big wall of text to get through above, and I'm afraid I tuned out. Which is a shame because when I dipped in there was some good stuff. There is a button you can tick which double spaces each paragraph after you have saved it. It seems that a lot of people use it on here to good effect, it took me a while to find it.
As Max said, and I'm no expert, by the way,(You can tell, my review is below yours!) but as a simple bloke I need a POW!!! SMACK!!! WHAT THE HELL!! type of start. You need to know all that background stuff, but the reader doesn't, yet. Within five lines, it gets deep man, well deep. Before you go there a reader needs a reason to give a hoot.
I do the same, I write stuff in the Tell, then read it back and put it in show. It's a good way to do things because you can just let things pour out without having to worry about the technical details.
Something like... A rancid smell forced its way into my nostrils. I screwed up my nose in a vain attempt to halt the assault and peered over the counter to see an old Bulldog waddle away from a freshly layed turd. Its owner obviously to the fact.
'Bloody marvelous' I said under my breath, that was the third time this week.
I grabbed the pooper scooper from under the counter and got to work.
Working in a pet shop had its hazards, this being one of them.( off you go into a bit of narrative )
The reader needs to be there in the action. Can you smell the poo? A strong smell is a good way to get a reader there, use their own experience of smelling poo to get them in the shop with you. I have a vision of what the shop looks like, and what a poor area in Brooklyn looks like, even though I have never been. It wouldn't take much discription to bring those pre conceived visions out and again, put me there with you.
Hope you don't mind hearing my thoughts, as I said, im no bloody expert.