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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rah618
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Public Reviews
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Review of The nectar  
Review by BoB_618
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am not an editor or professional reviewer. I'm like you, just older. I'm going to show you an example of how I would write this, and maybe you can pull some ideas out of it - ok?
------------------- Start -------------------
It's early, and the crimson sun is just peaking over the distant mountain tops - they are snow covered this time of year. One cup of java, a piece of toast, and three yawns later then I'm out the door. I get into my car and begin the routine drive. A drive I know so well that I can fall asleep and still make the drive. Is auto-pilot even real?
--------------------- STOP ----------------------------------
you will notice I am not referring to 'We' but ' I ' and I am speaking of my experience. Others will relate to it though. I describe the scenery in some detail, but not so much to bore the reader.

Most of your writing I think is good. It reads like a list of events, it lacks details and should be personal, I think. Avoid repetition, Tick, tick, tock, tells me time is passing, so drip, drip, drip is unnecessary.
Again - this is only to give you some ideas - nothing more.

I hope there is something you can use, if not that's ok too. I wish you luck in your writing.
2
2
Review by BoB_618
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thank You - That's a great help.
3
3
Review by BoB_618
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Tense, is something I try hard to maintain. I don't want it to shift, it used to do that and ppl on here would be all over that.
What I do now-a-days is list each sentence like a bullet list. Then I go over each sentence one by one, looking for a shift in tense.
-----------------------------------------------------
1.) One day in 1978, I was a bit forlorn.
2.) I wished I could just pick up the phone and call God -- I wanted a clear back and forth interaction with Him that would be possible with a phone call.
--------------------------------------------------------
As you can see, this is how I check for tense. However, I think, I would rewrite that second sentence first - it sounds just wordy.
>> Maybe something like this -
a.) I wished I could have been able to just pick-up the phone and call God - a clear communication between us.

b.) I wished I could have been able to just pick-up the phone and call God. I wished there was a clear communication between us.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The reason I list my sentences vertical is because it might be easier to spot errors; especially, a shift in tense. It might be just as good for you to read through without moving sentences about - that's just me.

I don't think of myself as a professional reviewer by any means. Just someone like you -writing my story. I thought I would share some of my insight, and you can ditch it if you don't think it applies to you.

What i learned on here is not to be wordy. Don't use $50 words when you could have just said it with the $3.00 specials. LoL !
Like where you said " I wanted a clear back and forth interaction with Him that would be possible with a phone call."
In my head, it seems a little wordy. a clear back and forth interaction.

Well, it's a phone, so there is only one type of interaction possible - a phone call. So why not just say that or like I illustrated a direct line of communication, if you need to raise the tone to a higher level.

Remember your reader all the time. How would your friends tell this to you. Would they say it like that. I think, most would use simple words unless there was a need for a more sophisticated word.
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I hope some of what I said here is of some help to you. Like I said, I am not a professional reviewer, just another aspiring writer. If you don't agree with any of this - that's ok too. Just ditch it and move on then. I wish you the best of luck in your writing, and above all "Stay Safe !"
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