*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/reamie
Review Requests: OFF
31 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Please post review requests to World Weavers' Network . If the item is written for a short story contest, please say so for extra credit. My reviews cover technical (grammar & style), character and world-building. I usually send detailed private reviews. Please specify if you want a public review.
I'm good at...
characterisation and world-building.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Sci-fi, historical.
Least Favorite Genres
Non-fiction and contemporary romance
Favorite Item Types
Static items and books.
I will not review...
poetry, children's fiction, young adult or contemporary romance (historical, scifi or fantasy romance is ok).
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: GC | (2.5)
*Noteb*Overall Impressions*Noteb*

'A night you will not soon forget' provides an intimate insight into the desires of the heroine Sherri. It explores steamy sensual fantasies against a tepid reality.

There is a wonderful attention to detail and focus on sensation that lends itself perfectly to sensual and erotic writing. That said, there are a lot of other little things in the narrative that interfere with my ability to share Sherri's fantasies. Enough that by the time I got to the key scene in the story, I was quite put off.

As such, please tack this review with a pinch of sugar. The story does have a lot going for it. Even if all you do is review your verbs and adjectives and change nothing else, 'A night you will not soon forget' could easily jump to a 4-star rating.

*Noteb*Favourite Details*Noteb*

Larry is the bath. I like that parallel between Sherri indulging and soothing her body with a bath, and then doing the same for her feelings with her dream. Bother offer a temporary reprieve from a life she's dissatisfied with.

I also liked the transformation of the bathroom into the dream room, which pulls the world into Sherri's cosy escape. Now it's not just Sherri in the bath, the bath has expended to include the room, her lover, and the reader.

*Noteb*Characterisation*Noteb*

Sherri... I have a few problems with Sherri which I'll detail at the end of this section.

However, there are some things about Sherri that are demonstrated well and make her quite real. She seems to be a lonely woman waiting for one specific man to recognise her attention. Her interest in Larry is expressed in a brave breach of her boundaries: Sherri gives him her number. Shy Sherri tells Larry she wants him to call. She leaves her safe self-isolation and exposes herself to rejection for him. This is complimented by her fantasies of him. Sherri takes risks for Larry, just Larry, because not only does she desire him, she trusts him enough to invite him in.

Sherri is also, despite her shyness and lack of experience, a deeply sexual woman. Her fantasy is undeniably sexual. It's not a simple romantic fantasy. I like this as well. Behind closed doors she knows what she wants.

There are a few places where the language puts a distance between Sherri and what she's experiencing ('She felt', 'she was becoming') which is exacerbated by a very detailed list of actions she takes. The balance is off. There's a lot of 'telling' when it comes to how Sherri feels and when that's offset against detailed choreography, it undermines what emotive charge is building.

I do not like the way Sherri is portrayed in the first scene. I do not like the way she, a supposedly shy woman, pretends to strip for the man she likes. That doesn't ring true. It feels like something a man would write in his own sexual fantasy. I do not like that she describes herself as having 'fiery red hair', again because this feels like the way a man writes about a woman, not the way a woman thinks about herself. Given the entire next scene is Sherri's fantasy, it's important that this provocative, sensual tone doesn't bleed backward through the earlier scene. Removing these things from the first scene, including cutting back on the details of how she bathes, would make the second scene significantly stronger.

I especially do not like that 'it was hard to believe that this beauty did not have a line out the door of guys wanting a piece of her, just to be seen with her would fill most men with pleasant dreams to their dying day' and that the reason she doesn't get this attention is supposedly because she is shy. This is not how men work. If Sherri is this beautiful, she would get that attention whether she wanted it or not. I think you're missing a trick when you could be using that unwanted attention to your advantage. You can compare gentle, charming Larry to the over-confident, sexually intimidating men who trespass on Sherri's personal space. Just like comparing the fantasy of the bath to the reality of her office job (see 'Other Comments' below), you can compare the fantasy of Larry to the reality of the men Sherri is afraid to grant intimacy.

*Noteb*World-building*Noteb*

There are a couple of places where the text is overly concerned with including every detail as early as possible. This results in slow, clumsy delivery that can provoke skim reading. And skim reading is the death of sensual prose. The trick to world-weaving and description in general is to thread information through between activity.

For example:
'Sherri opened her eyes. She was in the same room, but it was somewhat different. There were at least two dozen candles, deep red and ivory, ranging in size from quite small to relatively large. The aroma of cinnamon and vanilla filled the room.'

Now my questions:
1 Why, when we have a clear break indicating scene transition, are you starting the new scene by telling us Sherri opens her eyes? Of itself that's not a problem, but why is it a sentence all by itself? It doesn't show us anything. The only thing it tells us is we are still with Sherri.

2 Why tell us Sherri is in the same room when there's no reason to think she has gone anywhere? Why tell us she's in the same room and then describe a different room? You have essentially said 'this is a fact, except it's not'. All this sentence does is waste word count.

3 Your third sentence amounts to 'various candles existed'. Why? If they're not doing anything else, why are they there? This is unsatisfyingly vague with an illusion of detail. It's easily fixed by giving the candles something to do. Make them take responsibility for the fragrance, or light, or make them stand. Make them work for you.

4 Why cinnamon and vanilla? When making an actual candle (or food) vanilla is added to a lot of things for its mild, creamy fragrance. Sometimes it's added just because 'cinnamon & vanilla' looks more luxurious on the label and fetches a higher price tag. But these aren't real candles. These fragrances are selected by the writer for the reader to imagine. Is there an appreciable and significant difference by the addition of vanilla here? I don't think there is. I think it's just another example of trying to cram in as much sensory detail as possible and I don't think it works.

Take care with the use of adjectives. Ideally, you want to stick to one per object, or at least to concentrate them on one object within a sentence. This is too much: 'The large, oval tub was full of frothy, steamy-hot water by this time. She lit a cinnamon scented candle, turned out the light and entered her bubbly retreat'. In the first sentence you use four adjective (and that's only if you count the hyphen), but that sentence isn't needed at all because you describe the bath again when Sherri climbs into it. So in two sentences we have a 'large, steamy-hot, frothy, bubbly, oval retreat'.

The same goes for adverbs. Try to use them only when you have to move them. When every sentence is stacked with adverbs and multiple adjectives, the text gets bogged down.

Again, the idea of a world where someone as beautiful as Sherri has never been on the receiving end of male attention is absurd. If she's so beautiful that gorgeous Larry thinks he doesn't have a chance, then Sherri must have been approached by men before, even if she didn't allow it to go anywhere.

*Noteb*Other Comments*Noteb*

The opening paragraph could be a lot stronger. The first verb in your entire story is 'was': a passive word meaning that a thing exists or exists in a certain state. The first subject (actor) of your story is a day. Essentially, your first sentence says 'a day existed'. You don't want that as the first sentence and you certainly don't want you second sentence to start with the same verb 'was'.

Your first paragraph wants to be laden with magnetism. This is the teaser for the rest of the story. Try picking out the images you want to establish here and delivering them as tightly as possible. Something like 'a steaming bath awaited Sherri at the end of a desperate day, promising to caress her with rosy water and soapy clouds'. You can use the intensity of the fantasy as a substitute or contrast how terrible she feels.

I don't feel the epilogue with Larry is necessary. I realise it parallels Sherri's perspective, but I don't feel it adds anything. This story is about Sherri and her feelings and desires.

*Noteb*Technical and Grammar*Noteb*
2
2
Review of Nothing Rhymed.  
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I couldn't resist this one.

overall impressions

Nothing rhymed.

favourite details

Nothing rhymed.

suggestions for improvement

"The citrus juicer limed" lost me. "Lime" can be a verb, but means "to treat with lime", which is an alkaline substance used to treat soils or water and such.
3
3
Review of Progress  
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

An image donated by  [Link To User legerdemain]  for use with Anniversary Reviews


Another anniversary review for one of my favourite WDC moderators. Congratulations on your 14th anniversary!

overall impressions

I am very curious about the message behind this poem and what meaning you had in mind when you wrote it.

I can think of a few possibilities:
increased prosperity for one person to own 9 couches,
or increased prosperity meaning multiple generations of the same family no longer have to co-habit one house,
or the availability of birth control and better healthcare causing the cousin to have no siblings,
or is "progress" declared ruefully? Is it a sad thing that the latest generation is small? That family is less important than it once was?

I wonder what other people feel when they read this poem and what their reaction says about their lives.

suggestions for improvement

I think this is a free verse poem. If it is following any internal rules I haven't recognised, please ignore me.

The near symmetry between the first and second stanza is nagging at me. I would want to pull "Today, the numbers / are the same" onto a single line to make both stanzas five lines.

I would also change "in reverse" to "reversed". The second stanza is a reflection of the first, but "reversed" creates a more active phrase that supports the change from the past to the present as the result of actions taken.
4
4
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*

An image donated by  [Link To User legerdemain]  for use with Anniversary Reviews


overall impressions

This poem tells a lovely little story about a young man going out into the world to find adventure and finding it closer to home than he expects.

I like the simple rhyming scheme; it gives the poem a light and predictable rhythm that ticks through swiftly. It gives the poem a sort of fairy-tale feeling.

favourite details

I also find it telling that the priest does just give in the young man's demands. It seems he doesn't really believe what he says any more than the other two characters do.

suggestions for improvement

I think the only place for any improvements is the third stanza. "Unexpected" and "investigated" could be a better rhyme. There are few for "unexpected" that could work better, like "neglected" or "corrected".

It feels a little odd to me for the second line in that stanza (line 10) to read "he'd heard" and not just "he heard". There's something like a tongue-twister to that.
5
5
Review of The Morning Sun  
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: E | (4.5)
overall impressions

This is a magical celebration of dawn, drawing in features of the fantasy adventure genre to characterise night day.

This is a difficult form to work to. I'm very impressed by how natural the phrases are while conforming to the format.

You wrote this poem as an example of a Lục bát for "Oriental Poetry Contest [E]. It's an excellent idea to demonstrate the form to help contestants study it.

favourite details

My favourite lines are the set up for the "swords" rhyme. I love that pairing of night and day with the battle between Light/good and Dark/evil in this poem. The rhymes emphasise it and make it more evocative and at the same time it's not over laboured. It's simply presenting the Sun as a liberator from night.

suggestions for improvement

Should "words of dark" be "wards of dark"? Ward being a place, or being a protection or seal.
6
6
Review of Turn the Page  
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
overall impression

It might be the music playing while I read this, but the refrain gives me the feeling of a melancholy song.

Turn the Page contrasts corrupt images ("painted lips", "lust" and "scorn") with cleansing ones ("recover lost trust" and "reparation").

The "torn" "fabric of her soul" is particularly striking: taken literally, torn fabric can't be made whole again. It can be patched over with a new piece or it can be stitched closed with a scar, but will always be weakened by the tear and carry the evidence of the repair.

favourite details

Desdemona. Shakespeare's Desdemona follows her lover with blind faith and is ultimately destroyed for it. Turn the Page captures that essence of innocence tainted, of a young woman who wandered into ruin with her eyes closed.

comments for improvement

Should "born" on the second line be "borne"?

Personally, I would also centre the poem under the image. It looks fine on a mobile browser, but on a computer screen the poem and image are badly out of alignment with each other.
7
7
Review of Prey  
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Noteb*Overall Impressions*Noteb*

Prey is a horror story focused on the grip of fear. It is a story of woman vs fear and woman vs snake. The python is a very interesting antagonist because its method of predation - constriction - parallels the effect of the protagonist's fear.

*Noteb*Characterisation*Noteb*

It is difficult to write a story with only one active human character. 'Prey' is intended to invoke Michelle's fear.

Some physical symptoms of fear are described in the beginning, which good. You could include more details like those and perhaps consider what fear responses Michelle has which might be unique to her.

There is a lot of repetition of 'image' and 'imagine' beside the earlier use of 'vision'. Alone with the subject of her fear, Michelle has no outlet and is almost in a dialogue with herself about the worst case scenario. This makes her very real, but the story could be improved by finding a way to make these thoughts fit more naturally into the narrative.

Jack, despite being critical part of the events in the story, doesn't make much of an impression. He is referred to as a zoologist, which may or may not be accurate, and the story implies he has teased Michelle for her fear of the python, but we don't learn a lot more about him or why he and Michelle are interested in one another. I think that could be enhanced a little bit.

*Noteb*World-building*Noteb*

The pacing for your world-building in this story is a little off. In some places you try to force too much detail at once. In others you give unnecessary explanations.

You don't need to repeat that Jack is her new boyfriend or the snake's name, so both words can be cropped from the opening sentence.

"The alarm on her cellphone, which she’d snoozed moments before, sounded once again": you don't need to tell us she had his 'snooze', you can rely on 'again' to tell us the alarm rang earlier.

The introduction of the weather and Jack's side job is also awkward. It is expressed awkwardly and quite late I feel. The fact Jack is not in the apartment really ought to be addressed earlier.

*Noteb*Other Comments*Noteb*

The opening sentance is missing a comma and is structured a bit awkwardly. It might read easier as "Michelle Stewart watched with dawning horror as, just as nicely as you please, Alexander, her new boyfriend’s nine-foot-long reticulated python undulated into the bedroom". This isn't the only place where phrases interrupt a sentence which already needs commas in it and some of those sentences are rough to read.

"The giant reptile seemed to def[ied] gravity..." - Alexander is defying gravity. He is literally exerting enough physical force in opposition to gravity and other forces to lift his body from the floor.

"...to coil itself about her" - This feels passive to me, prehaps because of the reflective phrasing. "Startled, Michelle made a sound..." is also passive.

"She watched the snake..." - for this entire paragraph you only refer to Michelle as 'she' and 'her'.

*Noteb*Technical and Grammar*Noteb*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Noteb*Overall Impressions*Noteb*
'Veronica's Red Sweater' is a creeping tale that nutures suspicion. The narrative focuses on the titular Veronica as she anticipates the arrival of her paramour and while she waits for him, we wait for a revelation.

*Noteb*Characterisation*Noteb*
The first clue that something is not right with Veronica is in "between 1:12 and 1:19 and it was already 1:18 in the afternoon". These numbers are too precise, demonstrating an acute attention to detail or desperation.

Another indication that Veronica is not what she appears is her explanation for Sally's absence. Veronica could have given any other easy and believable excuse and a woman with even minimal respect for another woman would have given another excuse. But Veronica says something that is likely to taint Sally's reputation and it becomes clear why.

There are other little markers like the dated phrases the narrative uses, Dennis' utter lack of appealing qualities and the manager's distaste for Veronica, all of which lead up to the reveal.

*Noteb*World-building*Noteb*
The story is self contained and does not require a lot of context. A contemporary setting is implied by the refeence to selfies. The language and currency also confirm an American bank. And this is enough. The other details double up with characterisation as everything shown is shown through Veronica's eyes and described in words much like her own.

*Noteb*Other Comments*Noteb*
You could probably omit "Veronica covered for her rookie workmate by lying about where she was" because the lie is implied by the two sentences that follow.

*Noteb*Technical and Grammar*Noteb*
9
9
Review by Nana Spindle
In affiliation with World Weavers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Noteb*Overall Impressions*Noteb*
The Spinster is a wonderfully wretched tale. The story is filled with awful people and compellingly graphic descriptions in a way that reminds me of tv shows like "Tales from the Crypt" and "The League of Gentlemen", although The Spinster is not a comic story.

I can't recall where, I think it was linked in the bottom of one of the horror newsletters, but I have read the first part of 'The Spinster' before. I'm delighted more has since been written, although it ended very well at the point of Benoit coming out of the bathroom. Where the story ends now seems to be the beginning of a novella or a much longer short story still in progress, leading in to the mission Benoit has been given with the shadow of the spinsters stalking him.

*Noteb*Characterisation*Noteb*
Benoit is a terrible egotist. Before I get to the end of the first page, there is plenty of evidence for this just in his tone. He finds insult in little things as though the world ought to be doing more to humour him, while clearly expecting to be handed the short end of the stick. By the end of the story, we see a degree of sociopathy. Benoit is the kind of man who believes that if he doesn't take the short end of the stick and beat the world into giving him what he wants, he won't get what he deserves.

It's a telling touch that Benoit says "That's all you need to know" when Gert is probing about his brother. It's a defensive comment telling her to back off rather than a reticent answer stopping at "He had an accident". This is a nice hint that he's not hurt by the memory, he's afraid of it.

Gert is completely unashamed of herself. I get the impression she find satisfaction in forcing her company on Benoit. Until her identity is revealed, she is a powerfully drawn version of a public conversation many people have been trapped in: the elderly person you are certain you don't know, but who takes advantage of politeness and will not let you get on with your business. Excepting that Gert proves to have ulterior motives.

Dennard clearly has no patience for Benoit. He shows as much unspoken disdain for the lawyer as Benoit has for the oily vet.

The introduction of Regina could do with some more work. Although Benoit has met her previously and is initially distracted when he arrives, this is the first time she appears in person in the story. Benoit could provide more information by comparing her behaviour in this meeting to the last time they met or you could weave in more little details in gestures and actions.

*Noteb*World-building*Noteb*
Your world-building is well paced again, like in DOMINO EFFECT . It seeps through slowly as needed, making the story and setting one. It also crosses over into characterisation nicely, particularly because Benoit is our narrator. The things Benoit observes show the world and the other characters, but through Benoit's eyes.

There is one thing that strikes me as off: we are in Louisiana and Regina is Creole, but Dennard has to be told Benoit – a French name – is European, despite the setting. Maybe that's just Dennard's personal ignorance, but this appears to happen to establish for the reader how the name is pronounced. I think you can cut out the exposition between "hey, I thought" and "sophistication".

*Noteb*Other Comments*Noteb*
Check on "it"s. In some places, where "it" doesn't refer to the last noun, the sentances can be clarified.

"but with nothing to show for my venture makes it sting" feels like it needs a verb. Perhaps "but having nothing to...".

More on clothing: "custom tailored" is tautology. Also soles are the bottom of a shoe and can be replaced or repaired, it's the uppers that you wouldn't want to damage. So "soles" might want to be "shoes" or "loafers".

Pendants hang on chains, it's why they're called pendants, so you need to change this word out when you're talking about the brooch.

I find it Dennard's strong reaction to Benoit's story about Gert to be too strong. I understand there is a secret he doesn't want out and he might not be rational, but Benoit's manner at this point doesn't haven anything to indicate malice. He's just as confused about Dennard's question as Dennard is about the answer. I just think Benoit's story is a very strange lie if it were a lie.

*Noteb*Technical and Grammar*Noteb*
10
10
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: GC | (4.0)
Congratulations! Elle - on hiatus has gifted you with Fantasy Package A bought in the Genre Auction and Fundraiser . This consists of a review from me with a focus on world-building.

Contemporary settings are tricky when it comes to world-building. Both the author and reader may make certain assumptions and skim over aspects which would be dealt with differently if the setting were more alien. I will try to highlight the opportunities in Incident at Briar Lake, but you need to find the balance which is right for your story so pick and choose what you include.

IBL hits the ground running, establishing in just 40 words that three people are doing something dangerous. Within a page we know these are three men, the narrating protagonist is gay and the group are nokken hunting. This is an excellent start in terms of world-building. The core of the story is presented immediate with the details spilling in naturally and with instinctive timing. We're not left with a nagging hole or buried in exposition. We know where we are, what we're doing, who we are with, and we have a stable foundation to build on.

To this we can add that the characters' names imply an English speaking country. The combination of those names (Darren, Jamie, Cass) suggest to me maybe the US, but knowing your own nationality NZ is more likely. The way the three speak to each other also implies young men, which is later confirmed when parents and class papers re mentioned.

What is missing is any physical description of the boys beyond Darren's UV teeth. This loses a little bit of an opportunity because haircuts, clothes, mannerisms, the words Cass uses to describe the others can all be used for world-building by demonstrating (or defying) the social norms these three live with. It would also serve double duty in expanding on their characters.

Because Cass is narrating, the narration does two jobs: it gives insight into Cass' personality and into his world through his character. Which things he remembers from Darren's class paper show what catches his attention or possibly just how often Darren has repeated the information. Unsurprisingly Cass keeps referring back to his sexuality, which I read as him still trying to understand it and how he fits into the world. He keeps relating various observations to his sexuality as though he is measuring up other peoples' responses. Combined with the brief story of his coming-out, we can see that while homosexuality is not universally accepted where he lives, Cass isn't afraid of peoples' reactions so much as anxious about being isolated.

My last comment on Cass' narration is one of the main things which suggests the youth of the lads to me: his language is very casual. He occasionally repeats words close together, sticks in an 'also' where he needn't - as though he's just remembered something - and there are two places where, like a child, he strings a sentence along with 'and's instead of using a comma or starting a new sentence.

There is some room to further develop the eerie mood approaching the lake. A sentence more when introducing Briar Lake would do this, but you do re-establish the mood well after the whisky breaks the tension. Little, subtle things like faint sounds, the abbreviated and uneasy dialogue, the way the boys talk (or bicker). What really affects Jamie and Cass is Darren's whole-hearted belief and fear.

I find it curious that you chose to demonstrate all of the nokken's forms rather than two or three. Fewer shapes with more focused descriptions would make it easier to create an absorbing picture of the nokken. At the least there is room to further describe the allure of the nokken in terms of its effects on Cass. On the one hand Cass is drawn forward without realising it, on the other it would be possible to lose him and the reader into a more intimate description of the nokken in this form to better show that Cass is enchanted by it. Perhaps let Cass look at things other than the obvious: the turn of the nokken's jaw line, his throat, lips, collar bone, even the wrist or hip. Not everything of course, but one or two more could really compound the sense of Cass' attraction. You could - if you like - include sensations Cass feels like vertigo or tingling. The item already has a GC rating, so don't be afraid to let a siren be sensual.

The last thing I have, is that you can use Darren to draw in the wider world and show off some of your research. The example incidents at the beginning are a good part of that. An extra comment like 'Danish lore says' would just pin down the nokken is not a purely local phenomenon.

I hope these comments are useful to you and wish you the best for the new year.

-Tilly
11
11
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for your review request. This isn't the sort of item I would normally choose to review, so I hope my thoughts will be helpful to you.

Masters' Origin seems to be a word play exercise, which needs to be treated a little bit different from a story in presentation and review.

The use N nouns and complex vocabulary makes Masters' Origin something like a tongue twister or brain teaser. It can be a little bit difficult to follow the flow of events and it lacks some clarity. I believe the main fix for this is simply paragraphing: if you add some line breaks at the right points, it will be easier for the eye to keep its place and the mind to process.

As a rough guide, try adding a line break whenever the subject (actor) changes. For example "... the nefarious intentions of the Masters were clear." could be the end of one paragraph and the next sentence the beginning of a new one. You should also put dialogue on separate lines.

In extension to the above, it's important that you are happy with the placement of your commas, apostrophes, and other punctuation marks. The text itself is complex, so you want to make every extra effort.

There are one or two little word tweaks which might smooth things out as well, but not many. You have worked a little bit of magic yourself here.
Examples

This was interesting to read and an unusual item to review! I'm surprised at how much you managed to cover with N words and how many of them I knew (I admit I did have to look up a couple).

If you mull on the story contained within the prose, I think it would be good to add a little bit more clarity and world to it. That might be challenging to keep up the word play, but there are a couple of things I think you could build more on.
*NoteB* What's the significance of the necropsy? What is it being performed on?
*NoteB* What's the significance of the neonate? If I have read this correctly, he isn't mentioned again after the beginning of the piece.
*NoteB* A bit of description of the village would be helpful to get a sense of time and place. It needn't be long, it could simply be an adjective here and there added to 'village' and 'villagers'.

Thank you, wow, and good luck *Bigsmile*
-Tilly
12
12
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good morning! *Bigsmile*

I'm sorry that you weren't able to complete World Weavers' Championship  round 2. I'm glad you gave your best effort you get through them though and I hope things have settled down for you.

Although you don't qualify for a prize, I want to make sure everyone gets feedback on their work. I’ve scored the round on a 100pt scale, judging each prompt separately and then the whole. Because you only completed 3 days though, I will adjust these scores accordingly to give you a better idea of how you did.

General (8/9)

Content (7/10)

Overall Impressions (10/20)

I want to thank you for taking part in round 2 and wish you luck for the future *Bigsmile*

-love Tilly
13
13
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title: Homework on Christmas?

Setting: There is not a lot of description in this piece, but that suits the style in which it is witten.

Character Development:
Both the student and the teacher are shown well in this. Extra brownie points for giving the teacher a personaliyty
On one side it's easy enough to see how pleased the student is with his excuse. It's emphasised further by his excited continuation while the teacher tries to interrupt him.
Shifting focus to the teacher shows first her exasperation with the child who insist on continuing this ridiculous story, and then her complete disbelief at his second attempt.

Historical Referencing:
Casual reference of cheques and cars set it in the modern era, but no more description is given to it. A little more would make it clearer, but then I don't think that would suit the style of the piece.

Plot:
It's all about watching the excuse snowball, and yet knowing that's going to fail. Then in the end he discards it again for something far simpler, and yet even more ridiculous. That extra touch about Christmas at the end is fantastic.

Grammatical:
The second sentance is a bit messy. It needs restructuring to make it a bit easier to follow. Also 'off' has been spelt as 'of'.
Fresh quotes should also be out on a new line.

General:
I would move comments like "I was doing great" onto a fresh line as well. It gives it the comic emphasis it needs.

Personal Opinion:
^^ You know, some of my favourites in this contest have been the excuses that could not possibly work, because they are the most ingenius and the funniest.
This is one of them.

Comment in a Box Score:
4.0
14
14
Review of Bagged Improv  
Review by Nana Spindle
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Setting
Setting it at the beginning of a university exam, was a more interesting choice than simply setting it in a high school. The past that the professor has with being mugged on campus is a thoughtful touch.
Character Development
Gina jumps from tears, to anger, to triumph in such a short time. The professor and the friend who helped her cheat are also very nicely done. The fact that the professor is a nice woman is another difference that sets this entry aside form the others.
Historical Referencing
Again, modern era, and no particualr description of the setting to point it out the time period beyond the existance of the university and exam.
Plot
Excellent. It was a very imaginative excuse, and then having Oliver deliver her some essays that she'd paid for was another wonderful stroke of genius.
Grammatical
I didn't notice any grammatical errors so if there is one lurking in there, it hasn't damaged the quality of the piece.
General

Personal Opinion
I loved this one. The detail, the style, the ending, the characterisation...
Comment in a Box Score
5.0
14 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/reamie