Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/reshue12
Review Requests: OFF
5 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Review by Elizabeth
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wow! Overall, I loved this script, and the characters were excellent! Sarah was an especially good, 3-D, realistic character. The dialoge was incredible (I especially liked the scene where the teacher is checking attendance).
I have a few suggestions:

- Build up Tom's character more. I honestly didn't believe you when some unknown boy all of a sudden leaves his friends to pass the ball with a girl. Sweet, but not realistic. We need to know why he would feel so strongly that he would do this.

- Try to show things instead of having the narrator say them. For example, instead of saying "'House" was a 'girly-girl' game Sarah usually detested, but she knew if she played Tom’s wife, maybe, just maybe, she would get to hold his hand," try to show this. You have to have confidence that the watch will understand things like this, so long as you develop Sarah to the extend that we know the way she feels. Also, the actors will have to convey feelings like this. The narrator doesn't sound professional.

Great job! This isn't the kind of thing I'd usually watch, but I sure did like this script! I can't wait to see it on the screen! *Smile*

- Elizabeth

P.S. Would you mind reading my piece, Great Green Balloon? It's a true story, and a review would mean a lot to me! It's #1764105
1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/reshue12