*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rewrite
Review Requests: ON
5 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Rewrite
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Herein lays one Rewrite’s humble view… Take it right or wrong or not at all but please do for me these simple three: keep your mind always open, your prose always malleable, and let your imagination always run free. We all strive to improve and we all can learn and grow together.

Now, let’s dive in…


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Review of:

 The Calling of the Chosen Chpt. 1  [13+]
My novels first chapter. A quest begins that changes one boys life forever.
by The Wordsmith

*Exclaim* Everyone go and read it then come back and catch up *Exclaim*


Character

Kianthos Aurelian (Ki)

         Here’s an interesting character! You have a very mysterious opening for this guy. A very intriguing situation he finds himself in… I like it. I think it shows a lot of promise. I do get confused about him as I read through your story though, especially at the opening. I think maybe if you dove deeper into his character your story might clear up some, especially before he finds himself in the crossover world. I’ll explain what I mean…

         Let me throw out a snapshot of what I think his opening situation is:

Here’s a guy who woke up one day and had no memory of anything before that moment other then his name. I get the impression that he’s human. I also know that he lives in a small apartment room that has been prepaid for by some unknown benefactor. Food and clothing are also showing up on this guy’s doorstep everyday from some unknown person. (This guy has a pretty nice setup!) He also educated himself, so he has a lot of free time to observe ‘the other humans’ around him. That is when he witnesses the rest of humanity interacting together and decides just how evil they really are. He decides they all make him sick. So, he cuts all ties with them. He leaves them alone, they leave him alone.

         This is wild; I mean what a situation to find yourself in! One of the things that I love about fantasy writing is that you can take the reader anywhere and do anything. You can create literally anything! You can break any rule from ‘real life’ that you want to! But… there are still rules in place in your new world (99.99% of the time.) You, as the author, have the responsibility to define those new rules to the reader; to show them that 'this' is how your world works.

         Case in point: In real life I think most human beings share a similar trait, Curiosity. If I woke up one day not knowing anything but from that point on, I would be pretty darn curious about everything that came my way. I’d wonder how I even remembered my name. I’d be especially curious if some unknown beneficiary was paying my bills and somebody was bringing me food and clothing. (I mean they even know my shirt size!) I would probably do everything I could to find out what was going on. Mainly, because that was all there was to my life. But that’s me in real life…

         This is your world… Your character might not have this sense of curiosity that many mammals roaming this planet seem to posses. In your world maybe that’s one of Ki’s racial traits (if, in fact, he isn't human); he just doesn’t seem to care. He’s perfectly content waking up everyday, picking up his daily meals and change of clothes, not giving a hoot if his socks don’t match, and going about his day. That’s totally up to you. From what is written, this is the feeling that I am getting about him. He just accepts his reality with no question.

         Ok, so let’s say that is one of Ki’s traits, not asking questions about his reality.

         Here’s the catcher: Your readers are living in the ‘real’ world, where we get curious about everything! What’s my point? The readers need to understand the rules that you are playing by. After reading the opening couple of paragraphs, I am really interested in why Ki hasn’t tried to catch a glimpse of the people leaving things at his door. Why isn’t he even curious? If it was me, I sure would be! If Ki really doesn’t care and just accepts life as it comes, because that’s his reality, then maybe you could go into more depth about that and show your ‘curious’ readers why he doesn’t seem to care. If Ki really would be curious about his situation then maybe you could explore that option. It’s your choice. I would be very interested in how that would play out…

Questioning your own writing

         When I write something it’s usually spawned from an idea that I get. One idea connects to another idea. If the ideas keep connecting, I keep writing. Before I know it I have a story going! All happy about my little accomplishment, I go back and try to read my new creation as a reader would. But what’s this I find? Something doesn’t make sense… I find a question I’m asking myself about something in my writing. Ok fine, I write it down. I keep reading… Another question on something that doesn’t fit! I write that down… (This usually goes on for sometime until I run out of room on my paper… or until I start thinking that I shouldn’t have even started writing it in the first place!) Ok, I figure at that point it’s time to start fixing things, editing. I grab my list of questions and I try to start answering them. (i.e. If so-and-so’s character hates apple pie with a passion… why did he chase after the evil messenger, club him half to death, and then scarf down the apple pie the messenger was delivering? You get my point... I try to address the things that just aren’t making sense.)

I already mentioned some questions you could ask yourself:

- Wouldn’t Ki be curious about himself? Who he is?
- Who has set everything up for him?
- Has he ever seen the people/person who drops off his food and clothing?

         Put yourself inside each character and look around at his or her world. Does something not seem to fit? Is something missing? Write them down and then try and address them in your writing.

Other questions that I came up with:

- It seems to me that Ki doesn’t think of himself as being human or at least that he isn’t part of the world around him. The line, “With no need for money or additional schooling, I had plenty of time to observe the other humans that populated the earth” makes me guess he is, in fact, human. What makes him think he isn’t just like everybody else? Yes, he finds himself not having to worry about bills, food, or clothing, but you don’t mention anything that would make him see himself as any different then the other human beings. What keeps him from making friends or meeting people while he’s out ‘observing’ humanity? Does he just decide to live life as a hermit away from what he sees as humanity? Whatever it is, show it to the reader.

- Ki says: “I always lived on my own, I even taught myself, many times more adequately then I could have learned the same subject in school.” But how would he have known that he taught himself better then he would have learned in a school? He had no memory of being there. Also, how did he teach himself? Did he get books from the library? How much did he learn? It seems like learning came very easy to him.

- Back to the curiosity thing. Ki seems to witness humanity at its worst and gets down right sick of it. Somebody seems to care for him a lot though, I mean they are making sure his bills are paid for and he has food and clothing. If he isn’t shown anything to make him think otherwise, wouldn’t he think there must be some good humans out there because someone is taking care of him?

- If Kianthos Aurelian doesn’t communicate with anyone, how does he know he prefers to be called Ki and that he has never gone by his full name? It seems that no one calls him anything for all he knows…


Description/Scene

         You give some great detailed descriptions, especially with Ki’s encounter with the Shadowtongue, definitely my favorite part! I like the intro to the Shadowtongue, nicely done. You keep us connected to Ki throughout the whole encounter which I really like. Keep working on these descriptions. Re-read them and try to smooth them out. Try to see what doesn’t make sense. It all makes sense in the author’s head, but you need to check what is really written on the page. The readers only get what is written on the page, they don’t get to see inside the author’s head where everything makes perfect sense. (Man, wouldn’t that be great!) So what ends up happening is the reader has to re-read the story to try and figure out what is going on.

“I could almost see the sound waves as they came from the alley.”

         Here’s another one of those fantasy world ‘rule check’ examples… In this reality (the reader’s reality) you can’t see sound. How does this work in your world? How can he ‘almost see the sound waves’?

         This is also a good example of the old ‘Show don’t tell’ writing methodology. You tell us he could almost see the sound waves, what do they look like? What exactly does he see that makes him think he is seeing sound? Show it to the reader. Go through the rest of your work and see if you can find other times where you simple tell the reader something happens instead of showing it. These are great opportunities to explore and help the reader sink into your story.


Plot

         Just like the questions that come up about the different characters, you should also look for things that don’t make sense in the plot. Some plot points you’ll find might not make much sense. Sometimes there are things that have been left out unintentionally and you’ll find holes have been left in the plot.

         For example, when the vision that Ki goes through is explained to him by the Sage he discovers that events are repeating themselves again. He, as well as the four other Chosen Ones, have battled the evil Letheos before and bested him. Now Letheos is breaking free of whatever bondage he was put under before. Ki must go forth and re-awaken the other Chosen Ones and fight Letheos again.

         Here’s where I think a hole is… at least I’m not seeing it mentioned:

         What happened to the five Chosen Ones after they bested Letheos the last time? How were they all ‘reset’ back into normal people’s lives? Why do the other four have to be re-awoken again and Ki doesn’t? Why did Ki’s memory get erased and is seemingly only coming back now? How does all that work with him being human and all (age, etc…)? At this point he no longer seems to be human after all, which conflicts with the beginning of the story…

         Back comes the question about Ki’s character, is he curious now? If he accepted his life before on Earth does he accept this reality just as easily? I'm feeling that he is just accepting everything right now with almost no question. Is there more internal conflict that is going on inside Ki or is it your intent that he accepts what is presented to him unconditionally? These are all questions you could ponder.

Other plot questions that came to mind:

         - How did Ki end up in the crossover world? It seems he just woke up one day and was there. Did something happen to force him into it?

         - It seems the world the Cardinal High Sage of the Chosen is in and Ki finds himself in, is not Earth. The High Sage calls it ‘our planet’ but it is never given a name. I really got confused on where they were.

Grammar

         Everyone is always hounding about grammar! Period here, comma there, when will it end? Well, I guess it doesn’t end. So, what’s with all the grammar talk then? Well, I think it’s because writers want to make their prose as easy for readers to sink into as possible. With well developed characters and interesting plot lines, authors want to really grab hold of the readers and pin them down until they have read the very last sentence. But what also keeps the reader pinned is the proper use of all those commas, periods, sentences, and paragraphs. With the correct use of all those grammar rules, it will hopefully help the reader flow smoothly through the authors writing; letting them fully dive into the world you have waiting for them without getting caught up on the grammer mistakes.

         So, just as really good writers work to create memorable characters and fascinating plot lines, they also work to communicate them more clearly through the use of proper grammar. It’s all part of the writing process.

         When you go back and edit your work, make sure to look specifically for grammar mistakes. I noticed a lot of those in this piece. Sometimes when you are going over your work, for what feels like the billionth time, you might miss things. I personally try and get someone else to look over my work so I can get a fresh pair of eyes on it and to see if I missed anything. (I think you might find some people who are willing to help here on Writing.com, especially if you look around and ask for it.)

         It’s ok though! We become better with practice. (I've got a lot of learning to do in this department as well...) How are we supposed to learn without making mistakes? (I’ll bet you can find a ton of grammar mistakes just in this post alone!)

A few examples of things to check your work for:

Run on Sentences:

“But now things are different, because now I am not all alone, and I don’t have to rely on only myself.”

One way you could rewrite it:

But now things are different; now I am not alone. I don’t have to rely on only myself anymore.

Paragraph Structure:

         Usually people that do not indent the first line of a new paragraph will place a space in between the paragraphs. Otherwise, usually people will indent the first line of a paragraph so it stands out and is a little easier to read. For posting on the net, I’ve seen people putting a space between paragraphs with or without indenting just so it reads easier. People do it different ways though.

Question Marks (?):

         Whenever a character is asking a question, be sure to end that sentence with a question mark. I noticed this a couple times in your story.



         There are a lot of sources to learn about grammar online and even within Writing.com. Research some of them and remember to work on grammar just as much as you would work on characters, plot lines, etc… It’s just as important!


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As always, I would love to hear back from you. I’m excited to see where this goes. Yeah or nay, let me know what you think of anything I’ve written here. If you decide to try some changes I’d love to look this over again if you so desire.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rewrite