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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rhamm5798
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6 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Help. No.  
Review by Rbt618
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
This comes off to me as nothing but a long rant. I mean, a story has a plot, it has characters who do something, and the character, at some point, is faced with a decision - a 'Do-Or-Die' situation. Theme ?? What is the moral or message you are trying to say? I am sorry but I just don't get it?
2
2
Review by Rbt618
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
choppy? I agree it is choppy. I think, maybe I would put someone in there and have them describe stuff better. Let's see ... maybe an example....

It dove down to the depths, bubbles ascending from its motion and its breath. The monster headed for the river floor - the deep part under the bridge.
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John said, " I think, I saw it dive down over hear. I can't see it though so it must have gone down really deep." "Over here," Carol said, while pointing to the bubbles that were rising.
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You see, I am using character interaction to let the story unfold - not me sitting back and telling them that this happened, then this happened, then he went there and said this.
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These are just my thoughts maybe it's helpful -- maybe not and that's ok too. I wish ya best of luck though.
3
3
Review by Rbt618
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think, you need to really take a hard look at this. 1.) I would use my grammar a bit differently. Ex. [I stood there, looking at the grand necklace. It was my favorite.] I would have chose a different word for 'grand.' I would have written its structure like:
= "I stood there; just, looking at the grandest necklace present; which, really, was my favorite."

Also, I think you need to get into the mindset of "showing" not telling.

Maybe something like : This always happens to me; those, strong images of mom at her worst.
You = "She would pop pain-killers like breath mints."
Me = In her plight, which was obvious when I looked at her. and the stench of sickness was in the air. She looked directly into my eyes; as if to say, "I am sorry," and pop those painkillers again; just, like breath-mints. A mouthful of water to wash them down. Mom, shaking and very anxious, swallows one sip to a temporary wellness. Now she can rest again; the pain has subsided."

This is how I write - I try not to "tell the whole story" but show the reader the story. I try to be very, very descriptive and soften my touch. Not using things like "throwing-up" but to be creative, and kind. To allow respect to her, but through the written words I put down - hoping my words last the test of time.
I am not so great I don't think of a reviewer so I may be off somewhere in my own land. If that is the case I am sorry, but I only hope something here can help you to improve in your writing. I always use lots of words to describe my scenes - - I can always cut stuff out later on in another edit.
I am generally hard in scoring - I generously gave three stars because it is your personal story -- just needs to be cleaned-up a bit. Has a lot of potential I believe - - Keep working it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of The Dark Pit  
Review by Rbt618
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I think, you need to consider grammar. Now I'm no expert in grammar, but it is just my opinion you should be using grammar in your sentences.
I wrote the sentence how I would write it.

Yet somehow despite all this very comfortable.
I am not sure if this is a complete sentence, or just not a complete thought. It sounds like something is just not right. Maybe:
"Yet somehow, despite all this, I felt very comfortable."

After spending so much time in this deep pit one can't help but become accustomed to it.
"After spending so much time in this deep pit, one can't help but be accustomed to it."

I changed the 'become' to 'be' because it refers to 'after I spent this much time here,' so that is the here and now. Therefore, be is also referring to how I feel now, in this case.
I just think, you might want to take a another look at your grammar.
5
5
Review by Rbt618
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I love this story - it is really funny !! I like your writing style too...
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