A very promising start to what could turn into a compelling story. I was looking for a western to read and stumbled across yours.
I like how there are lots of loose ends created early that would presumably get resolved eventually. You've given the reader plenty to wonder about.
Also the detail is fantastic. For example “Halloo the camp” – this is great. You rarely read about a stranger announcing their presence yet that was the protocol of the time if you didn’t want trouble. This was the detail that made me decide this story was worth reading. Overall you did a great job getting the details right.
“In case you’re not up to speed with everything…” - this is a pet peeve of mine. I realize it’s a vehicle for the writer to add in a bunch of needed background and establish that the villain is, in fact, villainous, but it still doesn’t make sense. Presumably if the people are angry enough to be gathered in the mountains plotting action, then they’re already familiar and don’t need the background. Likewise, the first time you mention that little Katie was only three, it makes sense – Laredo doesn’t know Katie. But the second time, the townsfolk presumably already know who she is, even if they’re not aware that she died. I would re-phrase this to “even Little Katie” or something comparable. It provides the emotional tug without telling people something they already know.
I like that you mention the species of trees, but they’re not proper nouns and don’t require capitalization. Definitely keep them, though. I might even lean into them and briefly observe their textures and smells.
It’s too bad it’s not finished. I’d love to see how the story plays out.
Very well done. I dabble in haiku myself and yours feels far deeper than what I create.
One suggestion. I know it's breaking the rules but I have started titling mine. I find it allows me to give the reader a bit of focus and makes my ideas less vague, and when I'm talking about a specific haiku I have a name to refer it to. Of course, that may be cheating. :)
Seven days and I'm hooked. I've done sections over the years, probably 200 miles or so total, and waffle back and forth between wanting to do the walk and knowing that it's not my path.
Anyway, I hope you make it and I'll be reading the whole time. More important than reaching Katahdin is that I hope you find what you were seeking along the way.
Overall, this is really good. I'm glad you upped the font size so my tired eyes could enjoy it. I need to start doing that myself.
I had a couple questions...
First, how did a pride of lions happen to get to New York? There's no zoos on the island.
Second, where in New York is a bus going to have room to drive, let alone park and disgorge passengers? The city busses can barely do that!
Third, why did the lions go on a rampage? Normally once they make a kill they eat it and the rest of the herd animals are safe. It's common to see gazelles, impalas, etc. less than a hundred meters from a pride of lions while the lions feed. The prey animals know it's safe. Lions (nor any other non-human predators) don't just randomly go on killing rampages.
Last, if our narrator dies, how is he able to tell this story?
Again, these are all minor so I don't want to distract from the fact that overall it's very good. I definitely enjoyed it. Thanks for writing it!
First and foremost I think this is a fantastic story. The fact that it's plausible makes it that much better. I've often pondered if mankind was meant to be the only sentient species, or just the first.
My biggest critique would be that it reads like a summary. There's enough stuff here for a novel if you wanted to flesh it out. I hope you do.
The my other concern is the ending. It seems rather abrupt. And at no point do we get any sort of reaction from humans. Where are they in all of this? Do we somehow reject our nature and join the animals? Or do we continue to fight them?
Very clever. Well written. My critique would be that the rhyming made it seem tongue in cheek. I suppose I HOPE it's tongue in cheek. I know I wouldn't want anything to do with a world where someone else governs my life with an iron fist like that, even if they think they mean well. Do they really know what's best for everyone?
Regardless, tapdancing on the line between prose and poetry like this isn't easy and yet it was very well executed.
That was quite the plot twist at the end. I was poking around looking for something light to break up the day and while I rarely reach for sci-fi, this caught my eye. Very well done. But as a proud alumni of The Orange And Green, it's a shame to me that it had to take place in "Northern Indiana!" :)
Very nice. I do my share of bushcrafting - which is kind of like scouting but for adults - so reading this allowed me to escape to the outdoors for a few minutes.
Thank you for the respite.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rickdean2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.05 seconds at 3:18am on Oct 07, 2025 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
