|We meet again Octavius, sorry for the delay...
I can see you've been quite busy in my absence! As I read through your latest installment a few things jumped out at me. I'd like to take a few moments to talk shop with you.
When I first joined Drake on his journey, I was impressed by the world that you envisioned. Perhaps a little rough around the edges, but there was a great amount of promise in this fantasy adventure. This recent chapter really shows how far you've come. Not only is the chapter well-paced, but you also show great strides in descriptive style and character development.
Drake has seen a fair amount of suffering after being enslaved in the Dalmecian quarries. But he has little to no knowledge of the world as a result, slowly growing to understand the widespread misery that war spreads to even the smallest of villages.
Kevin has a very tragic past, witnessing the brutal murder of his parents. The Cugarian were-people are another great addition to the varied amount of races, I wonder where they fit into the story? Are they a nomadic tribe? Are they serving someone or bound to no one?
His flashback was a great way to enrich the story but I felt that it lost some of the impact by telling it in third-person. If Kevin is reliving that bloody past, let the readers see it from his eyes.
I remember the screams, the burning night, and the coldness of those hiding behind the safety of the wall.
This was such a powerful opening, you should really consider keeping this point of view for the entire memory. It's harder to feel the emotional turmoil if we are just passive viewers. Make us FEEL it
Another thing I would like to mention is the golem fight.
Last chapter, I asked you to provide clearer action and you really delivered on that! I had no trouble following along as Drake single-handedly took down another rock monster. (Without any magic either!) It's clear that our hero is becoming more skilled with each encounter. My only complaint is that Kevin really didn't do much for this scene. Was he worried when his new friend dove into the fray head first? Maybe he could try and distract the creature, even if for a few seconds.
Again, this was just a small thing I wanted to nit-pick. You did a fantastic job with the fight scene. Like Drake, you are also honing your skill with each chapter!
Some great bits I want to mention: Using the moldy bread to show how Drake was used to a hard life, something he and Kevin bonded over.
The excerpt at the beginning of the chapter was a great idea! I hope you continue to add these tidbits to previous and upcoming chapters, they really add some flavor and hint at the mythology of this world.
Drake and Kevin trying to help the wounded after the fight, I wonder how they will manage to save the victims when help refuses to come. This is a great conflict that I look forward to see them overcome. Perhaps they won't be able to? I wonder how things will play out...
Once again, your story takes another interesting turn! Thank you for bringing me along for the journey. Don't let that keyboard get dusty, I'll be waiting for chapter 7