|Hello there Dominique!
Sorry for the belated review, I was hoping to have this out sooner but life has a way of making sure the best-laid plans go astray. So without further ado let's dig in to your entry, "Once Long Ago"!
The poem opens as sunrays filter through the window and awaken the main character. He is a conceited businessman, content with his trophy wife but has no time to waste on his poor neglected children. The baby he prefers is a blue Porsche, something he lavishes attention on.
Passing an elderly homeless man, the egotistical driver throws litter at him with a sneer. Adding insult to injury, he flips off the vagrant while speeding away.
These spiteful actions do nothing to faze the old man. He simply brushes it off, understanding that others need to feel powerful to hide their insecurities. Money isn't everything to him, he has no desire to surround himself.
Fulfillment can come from other things, after all.
It is revealed that the wealthy man was once a beggar too, living on the streets alongside the other hobos. But when one of his destitute brethren wins the lottery, he sees a chance to escape poverty and steals the winning ticket.
The poem closes with a question, asking what would have occurred if the greedy man hadn't taken someone else's future.
Wonderful visuals! I could clearly see the events transpiring as I read through this poem. You've painted a picture of an arrogant man that got his livelihood by cheating his way to the top. The description of this poem does a good job of summing up the overall theme: unappreciation for things easily acquired.
This man is someone who got everything by being selfish, of course he doesn't care about any of it! Although you didn't go into his emotional wellbeing, I wonder if he is truly happy? Why does he need to feel superior? It seems like he acts impulsively and does things that make him feel good, even if only for a moment. Doesn't sound like someone in control of himself to me.
The bum doesn't seem to mind his lot in life, he might even have shrugged when the winning ticket vanished from his possession. He rolls with the punches and carries on - you win some, you lose some.
This was an interesting reaction but I wonder if he was truly at peace with the outcome, wouldn't he at least be a little upset about having lost the chance at a better life? Perhaps he was happy to begin with, so it wasn't too hard of a blow.
Suggestions for Improvement:
Even though this is a free style poem, a little more structure would help your readers. You break lines in strange places, was this a formatting problem?
Let's take a look at the first few lines.
The morning sun rises glistening into your window
awakening your prideful soul. Your wife lay asleep
resembling a beautiful white angel; pure as the
color itself. You take hold of your briefcase and
head out the door, ignoring your children as you
shut the door in their faces. Their smiles fall and
they beg for their daddy, but you're already down
Ending on the beginning of a sentence is something jarring and feels unnatural. You want to stop on certain words to create emphasis, or to finish a thought. I have edited the sample below as an example.
The morning sun rises
glistening into your window
awakening your prideful soul.
Your wife lay asleep resembling
a beautiful white angel;
pure as the color itself.
You take hold of your briefcase
and head out the door,
ignoring your children
as you shut the door in their faces.
Their smiles fall
they beg for their daddy,
but you're already down the block.
I did not expect the twists and turns of this story, learning to despise the rich man and becoming even more disgusted upon learning that he robbed someone in order to sit at the top. This was an entertaining and interesting tale, one I enjoyed spending time with. You have a good eye for detail and express emotion well. Poetry might easy to write and hard to master, but you certainly have a running start! I hope to read more from you in the near future