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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/rig0rm0rtis/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/3
Review Requests: OFF
175 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I will tell you what I liked and didn't like. My reviews may be blunt but never harsh, I can always see the passion and work you put in. My job is to help polish anything I see :)
I'm good at...
Descriptions, world building, poetry, perhaps plot structure? I'll point out anything that bothers me or sounds a little off. My style is about making writing and poetry flow and sound as natural as possible.
Favorite Genres
Horror, Mystery, Sci-Fi, Poetry and anything Gothic.
Least Favorite Genres
I don't have any least favorites because if it's well written you can make a believer out of me. Except Romance. *blech*
Favorite Item Types
Anything and everythaaaang
Least Favorite Item Types
Hm. I'll get back to you on this.
I will not review...
There is nothing I won't review, but I'm sure time will change that haha.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 -3- 4 ... Next
51
51
Review of The Snowy  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This poem is full of cheery warmth despite the yearly invasion of snow! Your humorous descriptions of icy flakes taking over everything added an impish flavor to their wintry antics!

The first snowfall is a magical experience, something you've succeeding in capturing. Referring to the white crystals as candy floss and icing sugar was a nice touch of whimsy. (And it made me hungry!)

I've heard flurries called many things (usually unpleasant ones) but I never thought of them as an army! But your metaphor is rather fitting. It does feel like a hostile takeover of our home turf as we wage battle against icy windshields and snow-covered walkways.

I have no suggestions for improvement.

Thank you for sharing this delightful tale :) I hope to read more from you soon!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
52
52
Review of Pretty Ugly Words  
for entry "The Sins of Winter
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The sins of winter include shoveling ridiculous amounts of snow, scraping ice off a frozen windshields and driving on sketchy roads.

But your poem wasn't one of them! It felt positively pagan, which I loved.

From snow demons and arctic gods, I found plenty to enjoy in this fanciful tale of icy magic and spring rituals.

The last verse left a great image of flowers sprouting in a patch of snow. Winter does seem to stick around longer than we'd like. But this raises a question... Are the sins on our conscience? Or is Mother Nature responsible?

Thank you for this lovely piece, it was very hard to pass over during judging!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
53
53
for entry "Hardscrabble Winter
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was an interesting take on winter! Not many see it as a time of hardship, but it truly is for many animals.

The bleak landscape doesn't offer much for our poor rabbit, looking to fill his stomach. As for the unlucky ones, their frozen bodies lie waiting for the spring thaw.

I liked how this poem closed on a hopeful note. It seems that things might be looking up for Pauper Rabbit.

Thank you for this bittersweet tale! I found that it was a breath of fresh air :)

(If I was to make any suggestions, I would remove 'to be found' from the first verse and add just one more line to the final verse. Other than that, excellent work, Dave!)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
54
54
Review of Sugar Time  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.5)
I've never had the pleasure of making maple candy in this fashion, but I hear it is a rare treat.

This is a fond memory of yours, I can feel the nostalgic warmth that these lines exude. Was this a family tradition of yours? Or something that everyone in Vermont is familiar with?

I wonder how long it took, boiling those bucket of liquid gold.

We often take for granted the padded comforts of our lives, forgetting the process involved in creating something as innocuous as maple syrup.

I found your poem to be interesting and very informative!

What I want to know is how that maple candy tasted! I feel as if one more verse would really have sweetened the deal. *Wink*

Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your past.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
55
55
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 19. 2019
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Despite only having a few lines, I found this poem to be surprisingly impactful.

I have to admit, I was a little confused by the description at the bottom. Sometimes I can be rather slow on the uptake.

What an interesting idea, using Tarot Cards for ideas! Do you interpret the meanings as well? Perhaps your poetry is a form of divination in itself...

But here I am, getting sidetracked!

I would like to praise the closing line, 'fluent in silence'. This is an interesting idea, how many of us are truly be versed in the art of silence?

With each passing day, our ears are bombarded by noise: blaring sirens, obnoxious ads, even notifications on our phones. I find that I have trouble focusing when my attention is constantly demanded by everything.

I think that I will practice my fluency tonight.

Thank you for this thoughtful walk down a snowy lane. I enjoyed seeing the world through your eyes.

May your next card bring a fountain of inspiration. *Wink*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
56
56
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is such a great opening! It left me wanting more, fascinated by the mysterious stranger and wondering where the story will go from here.

Were the other trinkets cursed as well? Where on earth did he get that ring? What are his intentions with the unfortunate Pete? You've raised so many intriguing questions with only a few words.

I hope you flesh this piece out, I have the feeling you have some twisted ideas in store for poor Pete!

Keep writing, I hope to read more of your work soon :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
57
57
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Not only are these for a wonderful cause, but they have been created with an eye for style! I love the artistic twists you've placed on the ribbon motif, the butterfly turned out quite marvelous.

Thank you for bringing this issue to light. The more attention it gets, the more awareness we can spread to potential victims of abuse.

I hope you continue your amazing work :)
58
58
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Deceptively difficult but very entertaining! I thought myself a veritable fountain of King knowledge, but it seems I am more of a pauper.

I didn't know that he was born in Portland, I always assumed he was from Bangor but maybe that was from reading the back of those book covers.

My other shortcomings need to be addressed by re-reading the Dark Tower series, the Stand and Rose Madder! Somehow I doubt this will be a problem ;) I love returning to those worlds.

Thank you for creating this interesting quiz! (And for giving me a failing grade) I'm off to brush up on my knowledge.

59
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Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I used to know my chakras but this quiz shows me that I need to get back in touch with my spiritual self!

What I expected were questions relating to the number of chakras and what religions use their influence. I was pleasantly surprised by each one, guessing some answers with a little luck.

Thank you for creating this quiz, it was fun and very informative.

60
60
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 14, 2019
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you for sharing this heartwarming memory with me. I can picture those enraptured faces, eyes feasting on the silver screen. You might not have had money for snacks but everyone still got their fill.

Your closing lines were fantastic. I loved the idea of a bridge leading anywhere! Movies really do take you all sorts of places, especially for kids bored with daily life.

I truly enjoyed this poem. You've managed to capture the essence of childlike wonderment. Well done!




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
61
61
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well done!

Your descriptions were pleasing and vivid, bringing back the vibrant past of a decadent theater.

The mention of teens looking for something to do really hit home with me, I suffered from boredom living in a tiny town. The local theater was the only place that seemed to offer distractions with an arcade and new movies every few weeks.

The closing lines you chose are wonderful!

'The theater is an oasis from the everyday
Where imagination and delight
Take flight'

I agree completely. Thank you for sharing your talent with us all. I hope to read more from you soon! :)



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
62
62
Review of A Simple Joy  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Speaking as a fellow cinema geek, that stale air was always full of excitement at the prospect of seeing something new.

Often we were disappointed, yet occasionally there was an eye-popping movie that left us on a high note.

I enjoyed this brief glimpse into the past, thank you for sharing your talent!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
63
63
for entry "Matinee Reflections
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You are the second person to recall tickets for only fifty cents! Those really must have been the days.

I enjoyed your descriptions of seeing a film on a rainy summer day, escaping the storm to the comforts a cold soda and salty popcorn.

Short yet sweet, thank you for sharing the memories of decades past.

I hope to read more from you soon! :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
64
64
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a lovely journey back through time. From the scent of popcorn to the velvet seats, the details enriched the experience being in an antiquated theater.

It almost makes me wish for a return to this style! Those cushions sound way more comfortable than the ones at my local venue.

A dollar for popcorn and a movie? Yes please!

I felt as if I was a part of the crowd, laughing at the antics of Popeye and Sinbad. Each verse was a delightful treat, thank you for sharing your wonderful time at the Old Movie Theater.

If I had to make any recommendations, it would be to clear up the extra words in some lines.

Other than that, great work! I hope to see more from you soon :)




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
65
65
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.0)
'A shallow fantasy across the screen'

Such an apt description. This line gave me pause because I couldn't help but agree! We all escape the mediocrity of daily life through screens, no matter how big or small.

But I'm sure that everyone would rather have escaped from that terrible film! Who ever green-lighted that script should been fired.

Then again, a clown fighting an angel is so ridiculous that it JUST MIGHT WORK.

But what doesn't work is the one line "eyes of tears." It sounds like a teardrop is crying eyeballs! A horrifying idea, to be sure.

Other than that, I found no other issues!

Thank you for the entertaining tale of a couple sitting through a painful movie.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
66
66
Review of Lonely  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (5.0)
Since you were kind enough to leave me two reviews, I decided to take a look at your portfolio as well!

I really enjoyed your poem. (I think it's a poem, correct me if I'm wrong)

The tone is full of heart-wrenching sorrow, a desperate yearning to be wanted. I can feel the ache of the lonely girl.

Your style is quite raw and emotional. Sometimes when hearts bleed onto the page, words write themselves. I hope you post more, I look forward to reading your work :)

67
67
Review of The girl in love  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (3.5)
This story is very emotional and raw. I can feel the hopelessness crushing Versatile as she desperately tries to save the man she loves.

It's a great snapshot depicting the domestic pain felt by those on the sidelines. War truly is hell. You've done a great job showing us that.

Now let's talk about some minor issues I spotted.

You reuse the same words in sentences frequently. I suffer from this as well, but I found that using a thesaurus helps with adding variety.

Take for example the word "said." He said, she said, you said, they said.

With a few changes, you can add flavor. He grumbled, she muttered, you whispered, they shouted.

Go through and read your work out loud, sometimes I find that hearing the words helps to spot some errors you missed before.

Overall, your work shows great promise. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, everyone does! Keep writing, you will learn new ways to show the world your skill :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
68
68
Review of The Final Voyage  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This journey down the river Styx was amazing, I felt as though I was being ferried to the underworld as your delightful rhymes flowed like those dark waters.

The descriptions of Charon's fiery eyes and the tormented souls made this ethereal voyage feel vivid! Great rhymes too, they sounded natural and pleasing.

The ending was really something, though. I was taken aback by those insightful words.

"Search your heart and it will show
the answers that you seek to know."

Bravo :) This is a fantastic poem and I cant wait to read more of your work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
69
69
Review of In Plain Sight  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings Russell!

I apologize for taking so long to write up this review, so I am sending back your GPs for the delay. Alright, that aside it's time to dig into this chapter!

My initial impression: You have an great style that is very descriptive! The narration was interesting and helped to flesh out the small town that Sara lives in. The little details about passing childhood haunts and the smell of strawberries make it easy to picture the scene.

But there is also some things I didn't like.

Issues:

Sara as a character seems bitter and mean. If this occurred after her father's death I would understand but from the get go she comes off overly pessimistic. Was this intentional? Is there some event from her past that affected her?

Also, some of the side details detract from the scene and slow the action. It's hard to follow what is happening when there are so many things to absorb. You have a vivid imagination but sometimes less is more when it comes to pacing.

For example: Sara noting that Gabby's car had key-less entry and mused that she could use it in a story.

Didn't she just get a call that her father was in critical condition? This seems out of place and strange for her to be so casual.

Recommendations:

Show Sara feeling more concern for her father. We need to know how she feels about him, was he a good dad? Were they close or did they have problems?

I would have her thinking about their past on the drive rather than the extra details that are pretty but serve no real purpose.

His death should be impactful in some way, don't be afraid to get emotional and sappy!

What I liked:

The dialogue was well done. The banter between Gabby and Sara felt like they really were friends. Also the fight between her mother about the party was good as well!

The mystery about the malfunctioning pacemaker. Was it murder or just a freak accident?

The flashbacks and descriptive style you use. (Just don't go too overboard *Wink*)

Final notes:

This is a great first chapter but I would polish it up and add a few more elements into it to really make it pop!

Keep writing, I look forward to reading your second chapter :)




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
70
70
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a fun story about a trip to one of the most extravagant places in the United States! I enjoyed reading the details of your trip and the descriptions of your adventures!

I would have liked a few more lines about the atmosphere, maybe the people you encountered or the places you visited.

This is about Las Vegas baby! Where's the glitter and the glam? Don't be afraid to talk about the decadence and the wow factor *Wink*

Other than that, you have a great style and your choice of words was pleasantly surprising. I hope you have more exciting vacations in the future!

Write on :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
71
71
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed your descriptions and the story you told about the one who got away. There is a lot of emotion you've poured into these lines and it really shows!

My issues with this poem is that it's a little messy.

Love is messy, but poetry doesn't need to be :)

You have a mix between free verse and rhymed verses, there is nothing wrong with either but when you combine the two it doesn't flow as nice.

It's a bit like putting hot sauce on ice cream, some might find it enjoyable but they don't quite complement each other.

I would recommend committing to one style or the other. Free verse is great because you can express yourself without having to chain yourself to rhymes and rigid line structure.

Traditional verses are great because the limiting style makes the poet handcraft each syllable to sound as pleasing as possible.

You have a great piece here, don't be afraid to edit it and polish it!

I hope to see more of your work in the future :) Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
72
72
Review of Tears For Two  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (5.0)
I knew there was going to be some twist here but I didn't expect it to be shoes! *Laugh*

Here I was thinking it was a pair of kittens or some other pet. Surprisingly emotional and then you get the reader with the ol' bait and switch!

This was really amusing, thank you for sharing it! I hope your current footwear is doing well.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
73
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Review of The Dance Of Dis  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is really interesting and flavorful! I loved the descriptions of the spectral figures dancing.

Curiously enough, the city of Dis was famously written in 'Dante's Inferno', if you haven't read it you certainly should! It's a fantastic descent into the pits of Hell, many novels and films draw from it for inspiration.

I thought that your ending stanza was well done! It closes the piece with an ominous tone, which I found very fitting.

If I could make some recommendations, I would encourage you to be more consistent with line structure. Counting the syllables in each line will aid in a smoother flow and tighter lines.

Your rhymes are very strong and pleasing to the ear. I enjoyed the playfulness in the one verse where you tell the reader to look up the definition!

Excellent work, I hope you have more forays into poetry in the near future! The world needs more gothic style poems ;)



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
74
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Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is an interesting chapter, I could almost see this as an introduction for Shadow.

Your descriptions are very good, I had no trouble visualizing the scene! To me, that is very important :) Nicely done.

I'm a little confused as to what kind of powers Shadow has, clearly she can read minds but air manipulation? Are there any other abilities? Why does she have these supernatural gifts? You could leave a few hints here and there to add mystery and a little foreshadowing ;)

Now what you said about the characters being boring...

I would like to disagree. They have distinct personality and witty dialogue. What I found boring wasn't their interaction, but the lack of action!

You expect me to believe a jewel thief will roll over once he's been caught? I understand that he saw Shadow's powers and that he is in high school, but there is no conflict or urgency to spice things up!

Actions speak louder than words, after all.

The thief, upon seeing Shadow in her glory could have freaked out! Running away and throwing objects at her, she calmly places them back with her telekinesis as she follows the thief around the jewelry store.

Maybe she understands he is a good person and helps him escape from the police?

You get the idea :)

Overall, I think that this truly shows promise! Shadow is an intriguing hero (loved her description by the way) and I can't wait to see more of her in action!

Thank you for requesting this review! I enjoyed reading your work.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
75
75
Review of Secret Santa  
Review by Ray Scrivener
Rated: E | (4.5)
Not only is Santa a name I can trust, but also is J.L. O'Dell! This poem is a lighthearted romp filled with fun and cheer.

It also moves to a bouncy rhythm before dismissing the readers with Santa's signature laugh.

Thank you for sharing your work :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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