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94 Public Reviews Given
102 Total Reviews Given
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26
26
Review of Final Journey  
Review by Sara King
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
This is the first time I've given a 1 star rating, and in this case, I think it's warranted.

When I saw this story from the newbie list, I was drawn in by the blurb. This is what you said:

"This is about a boy named Shoji. It has great action and adventure. Please read it."

This is what I found when I reached the item:

"ok...this is a test...im not sure if this program works or not.i dont want to write something and not get anywhere."

I checked out your portfolio and found that you joined on November 5th. Likewise, you created this file on the 5th. I think you've had plenty of time to 1) either write a story or 2) delete it. What you have right now is misleading and isn't scoring you any points from your readers (as you can see from your 2.0 star rating before mine is even counted).

If I were you, I'd use the extra exposure you're getting in the newbie list to get as many of your creations read and reviewed as possible. This is going to be hard to do if your only item is rated at 1.5 stars.

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
27
27
Review of Fallen Kingdom  
Review by Sara King
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Though I loved your descriptions and your unique critters, I'm wondering if this was the right place to start your story. I didn't feel any tension, the driving force that keeps a reader reading.

Here's a couple of ideas I have to increase tension. First, add some suspense. Is Gavin being chased? Is he running from something? Does he have somewhere he has to be? Is something in the woods watching him from the shadows? Did the sky suddenly go dark?

Then, add some mystery. Why is Gavin being chased? Why is he running? Why does he have to be somewhere? Why is the thing watching him? Was it a meteor blocking out the sun, or something worse...? Add a little insight, but not more than enough to make us curious and keep reading.

Another thing I felt that could be better was the protag himself. I did not feel connected to him, which basically means he didn't display any heroic qualities that made me care about what was going to happen to him.

What makes Gavin worthy of being a protagonist? Is he honorable? Kind? Hard-working? Stubborn? A gifted learner? Whatever it is, we need to see it right off the bat. Otherwise, we can't really care about Gavin, other than a mild interest to see whether he's about to be flayed alive or thrown to the dogs, instead...

We need to be interested in Gavin the person before we'll care about what he's doing in this story.

You had a couple of misspellings and a grammatical error about halfway through, but those are easy fixes. If I were you, I'd concentrate on raising the stakes for Gavin.

Like I said, though, I liked the description of the forest. I could almost feel the sun beating down around me as he passed under the shade of the trees. I definitely like your worldbuilding. Your story seems to be set in a very exotic, yet realistic place. Very cool!

Write on!!

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
28
28
Review of "GoldyLox"  
Review by Sara King
Rated: E | (3.0)
I liked your meter/rhyming scheme in this poem. It flowed and was very easy to read. However, I don't think the imagery was as strong as it could have been. I couldn't 'see' Goldylocks, nor did I have any idea what the creature on the bed looked like.

I think this might help: If you took the title away, as well as the explanation about it being a remake of Goldylocks, what would people think of it? I think this needs to have the imagery and storyline to stand by itself, without the intro.

I think that you could accomplish this by adding a few more quatrains about Goldylocks' situation, as well as what she looked like and what she was seeing.

Another thing I noticed was that you seemed to speed up at the end. I didn't feel the poem reached a resolution. I also noticed the lines did not quite fit together in places. Here's an example:

"Moving on to the next door she saw
Repeating the process she started to bawl"

The lines are neither complete thoughts, nor do they fit together. The rhyming scheme also needs work. Why not something like:

"Moving on to the next door she saw,
A hairy beast above any law..."

You have an excellent way of manipulating language, and I have no doubt you can make this poem awesome. I kind of get the feeling that you didn't put as much time into it as you could have, which just means you need to spend a little time sprucing it up. Keep up the good work--you're doing great :)

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
29
29
Review by Sara King
Rated: E | (2.5)
Your writing is very good. I don't have any stylistic issues at all. Your work was easy to read, smooth, and had all the hallmarks of someone at ease with their English.

What I did notice was that the piece seemed to meander. You call it chapter one, but I was curious where it was going.

I feel you need to introduce your overall conflict and protagonist's goal in the very first chapter. If his goal was to write a great play, then maybe you could have him torn between leaving the house and working.

Assuming writing the play is his goal, how could you make it an all-consuming need for him? Does he need money? Does he have a deadline? Is he about to be kicked out of his apartment? (I know he's living with Mom, but maybe the chapter would be tenser if he didn't have that security net.) How can you make his goal all-important for him?

Once you spend more time on the conflict in the book, I think the reader will naturally want to read more. As it is now, though, I found it hard to care what was about to happen to your protagonist. There was no danger, nothing riding on whether or not he would reach his destination.

I know you're working at getting better, so I have a question for you: Why did you decide to begin your book where you did? What is happening now that can't be explained later?

There's usually gotta be some event in the first chapter, some action or conversation that triggers the conflict and character goal that will carry throughout the rest of the book.

I thought your writing was very mature and smooth. I think what you need to focus on now is the mechanics of storytelling because you've already got a great ability to express yourself with words.

Write on!!

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
30
30
Review by Sara King
Rated: E | (3.5)
How...odd.
This story definitely had its moments, though I am so unfamiliar with the farming jargon that I felt a little lost. Also, the very idea that we'd be growing french toast in the ground was a little bit of a jolt.

I loved Sara the tractor. My grandpa names all his heavy machinery and I could definitely relate to that. :)

The planting, though--the main point of the story--was a little odd for me. I understood this was supposed to be comedy, but maybe it's supposed to be for a special niche of readers. Those, say, who deal with farming on a daily basis?

Also, I'm not sure how the story came full-circle. What was the story's goal? Was it achieved in the end? I'm not quite sure that Zeke's idea of planting a new breakfast crop is enough of a short story goal... From here, I'm gonna bow out because the rest of this kind of went over my head.

Respectfully,
The Un-initiated,
-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
31
31
Review by Sara King
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
First off, I wanted to say I only read halfway through.

This was not because you're a bad writer... You are damn good. So good I kept reading even after I long would have put it down otherwise. I really liked a lot about this work.

The problem here is that after 10,500 words, I don't know who the protagonist is.

Without knowing who the protagonist is, I don't know who to root for. Without knowing who to root for, I don't really care what happens to any of them. Every shift in POV is distracting and, ultimately, disconcerting.

The second problem was that I didn't know what was going on. You hinted at war and global destruction, rivers of blood, etc, several times, but you didn't give a strong enough hint as to what all of that meant. Was the prophecy fortelling an apocalypse? If so, why didn't you say so? I wasn't sure if you were trying to say that there were aliens who would attack if we didn't shape up, if there were aliens living on Mars, if WE had lived on Mars, if we were going to destroy Earth and move to Mars... I just didn't understand.

Though a little mystery is good, I felt like 10,500 words without a clear understanding of this book's goal was a little much. I don't know if this is a book about aliens, about religion, about global war, or about creatures of mythological lore making their presence known.

I wanted to see the stakes. Are our lives at stake? Our souls? Our lands? Our species? Our planet? Our nation?

If I had to rate the two, probably the biggest reason that I stopped reading was the constant POV shift. My favorite character was Joshua, and even Joshua seemed evil.

The second reason, the confusion, is a little easier to get around, but I'd still like to have a better idea of this book's goal. Is the world about to go boom? Are aliens about to invade? Is Earth about to be caught in a divine struggle between God and Satan? I need a clearer goal to continue reading.

Aside from those two main things--and I think that, despite how awesome you are as a writer, they're gonna be what stands between you and publishing this book--I had a few smaller things.

The opening needs to be catchier. I think the very paragraphs about the ibex can go. Watching the ibex wandering around the desert was distracting, and made skim. Since your first sentence and first paragraph are the two most important parts of your book, I feel like you need to put a lot more effort into them. Perhaps if you begin with the mysterious door, it would be more compelling.

I've noticed in your writing that you like to dump a lot of facts and sense impressions into the first couple paragraphs of each scene, then cut to the action. I feel this is very dangerous, especially since a reader naturally begins to skim once confronted with a huge block of text.

I think you would improve your tension quite a bit if you began each scene with a sentence that makes us naturally want to read more. As it is, I felt like I had to wade through a bunch of exposition to get to the meat of your story.

You had--and this is a small thing--a few grammar and spelling mistakes that got a little distracting. I'm sure it's where you cut out sentences and/or changed things and missed a word or two here and there. Easy fix.

One thing that bothered me was your use of 'glare'. When I think of a glare, I think of anger and animosity. Your 'glares' seemed to have a different meaning. Every time you used them, I stopped and frowned and had to re-read.

One more thing, and I'm going out on a limb here... I'm taking a guess and I'm gonna say that you're male. It came out in the development of your characters. There were NO big female players, and the most important female's line in the story was to "sob uncontrollably". I was excited for a moment when I thought that the assassin/agent "Cassie" was a girl, then had a big let-down when I realized he was a guy. (It's right afterwards that I stopped reading.) I think you'd attract a much bigger audience if at least one of your characters was female.

This work had a ton of stuff I liked. Here's a few:
My favorite character- Joshua.
My favorite idea- the Jinn.
My favorite scene- the insane assylum

You're a great writer, there's no question about that. You're one of the very best I've ever seen. You've done excellent research and give believable, realistic details that keep it interesting and fun. You've got some strengths that make me cringe with envy. Good work!!!

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
32
32
Review by Sara King
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I love your worldbuilding. You're obviously very in-tune with what is going on around your characters, which for me is the hardest part of writing. I have to say, though, that if I had picked this up on the shelf, I would not have read past the first paragraph. If someone in the bookstore had suggested it to me and I'd read the entire chapter, I wouldn't have bought the book. This is why:

This entire chapter is unnecessary.

It IS necessary, but only for you the author. For the reader, it is merely an info-dump that makes his or her eyes glaze over as he or she tries to scan for interesting tidbits amongst the massive accumulation of facts. As the author, you need to know that all of this has happened and why, but the reader doesn't. The book starts with more mystery and suspense if the readers have absolutely no clue about the demons and the Council and the war, and therefore they have to read more of the book to figure out what's going on.

I don't know whether or not you've heard this before, but about 90% of the agents out there do not read a prologue if it is submitted with a manuscript. They cut to the action, which almost exclusively begins in the next chapter. I've been told by published authors and agents alike that it is a huge black mark against you to submit a prologue, and it's just as bad to rename it Chapter One because they know exactly what you've done and they know you're trying to trick them.

In essence, a prologue is for the author, not the reader. How many times have you stuck through reading the dreary world-building prologues that you find in today's epic fantasy? If you're anything like me, not very many.

If you're still reluctant to start with chapter one, consider this: if the first sentence that the reader reads upon picking up the book does not immediately grab them, they put it down. It is a rare reader that will read an entire first paragraph if they're bored with the first sentence. It's an even rarer reader that will read the first page if they aren't caught by the first paragraph.

My suggestion is to start with your protagonist. I'm assuming that's what you've done with chapter one. You need to find a way to immediately connect the reader with the protag so that they're hooked and want to continue reading. All those little details in the prologue can come out later.

A couple of other small things: your naming system smacks of a new author. Hearing the name Hels, it's not very difficult to determine who the bad guy is. Same with the place named Evalon. Writing that is multi-dimensional is always more enjoyable than writing that is black and white. Good and evil are relative.

One last and final thing: I know this was a prologue, but it's utterly important for a writer to have tension throughout their story, from the very first sentence to the very last. I felt very little tension in this chapter.

Let me give you some examples of tension:
Fearing for the protag's life.
Emotional anguish.
Unfairness.
Helplessness in the face of evil.

The prologue had no tension because the main character of it was invincable. He was nonchalant throughout and killed with simple ease. None of the raiders even had a chance of hurting him. How much more enthralling would it have been if the dwarves had turned the tables on him? Had wounded him? Or had taken him prisoner? Killed his horse? You get the picture :)

Anyway, I know I sound pretty harsh, but I really think you've got what it takes to get published. I'm just trying to help you improve. I'm very impressed with your writing ability, and, like I said, you're a whiz at worldbuilding, which to me is like pulling teeth. Great job!! I'd like to try critiquing with you, if you're interested.

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com
33
33
Review by Sara King
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I read your story and found it very hard to review this work. I'm not sexist, but I knew without looking at your bio that you were male. That's not a bad thing, per se, but the story is written in such a way that alienates half your audience.

I normally wouldn't have reviewed this work because 1) I don't want to insult anyone and 2) I don't want to come across as a feminist. However, you stated in your bio that you're looking to retire as a published author, so I'm going to write this review and tell you what I really think. You can do what you will with it, but keep in mind I'm not trying to hurt your feelings or slam your writing. If you don't like what I have to say, delete the review and forget about it, ok? ;)

The reason I think you're alienating your female readers is that in this story they take on the Eve stereotype. Women don't want to read stories where women are the ones screwing over everyone else. The pleasure the woman of this story experienced during the beast's call seemed hollow to me. Why did it only call women? It's generally accepted that males are more promiscuous and more sexually active than women. Why, then, did the alien, which probably would not know the difference between the sexes because it's an alien, only call to women?

Also, it's partly due to exposure time. If you're going to have two protagonists, it's usally a good idea to give them the same amount of face time. The story starts from the female's point of view, giving me the idea that she's the main char, but then immediately shifts to the male POV and stays there almost exclusively.

Another thing I've noticed about some inexperienced male writers is that they don't really know how to write a woman. It's the same problem women have writing men--how do you write about guns and blood when you're used to thinking about cuddly little puppies and romance?

An example of this in your story is that the woman did not seem to have the same intelligent thought as the men. She did not question what was drawing her outside, she seemed blindly drawn to the pleasure that the beast outside the force-feild offered her. I know this was the point, but since it only happened to the woman, I did not get a balanced view of what was going on. If it had happened to a man, as well, the imbalance would disappear immediately and the problem would be solved--as long as the man was just as helpless and had just as much ecstasy from the beast as the women.

One more thing, and I know that I'm beating this to death and I want to re-iterate that I'm not sexist and just trying to help... Hitting someone bound in a chair seems a little pointless and old-fashioned. The man in the story would have had a lot more sympathy from me if he hadn't done that, and instead had put himself in the woman's shoes and tried to understand how she was feeling and what it was like for her.

I think that attracting the other 50% of possible readers out there is just as important as writing a good story (which you did.) If you look closely, the great sci-fi authors write stories that both sexes can enjoy equally because they give both sexes a balance of strengths and weaknesses.

So, basically, even them out and I think your stories will rock. You've got great ideas and excellent tension. Keep it up and good luck!

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com/authorbio.php
34
34
Review of Bear Mountain  
Review by Sara King
Rated: E | (2.5)
This piece left me with a nice, mystical feeling after reading it, but there are a few places I feel you can improve with it. I found the rythm hard to follow throughout. I suggest reading it out loud and if any part catches you up, look for another way to say what you are trying to say using either less or more syllables per line. On this same vein, I think you need to work on your word-choice in order to make the poem flow more smoothly.

A few parts that caught me: evergreen clad, the period in the third line; wide breathing deeply; encounter, inevitable, takes place and. I think just switching around word choice and evening out the meter would make these areas flow more smoothly.

"A site so rare he is very seldom seen" is redundant. If it's rare, we know he's very seldom seen. I think poetry is about making the best use of space giving the best descriptions with the fewest words possible. You have a whole extra line there where you can add another thought or image.

I also think you can be more descripive overall. "And other wondrous sights" is vague and can use some sharper imagery. I understand your need to rhyme with heights...maybe something about the northern lights, instead? "Seeking the grizzly bear won't cease" also seems vague--structurally, it doesn't apply to anything. It's an easy fix, just add something like, "her passon for seeking..."

A few descriptions I thought you could make sharper: "see and hear what no other can see and hear", "the peace that somehow binds" (can it be a bitter peace? a tortured peace? a *insert adjective here* peace?) "until the encounter, inevitable", "for a while" I think the addition of adjectives would solve most of your problems in these areas.

I'm not sure what you mean in the end. Is it a metaphor for a woman and her lover? Or are you talking about a grizzly bear literally all the way through?

I liked the scene you painted. I am a sucker for anything about the wilderness. My absolute favorite part of the poem was the line "there on the slope of Earth's mother". I thought that was WONDERFULLY creative. Just beautiful. Keep up the good work.

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com/authorbio.php
Sara King
35
35
Review by Sara King
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I thought the poem was good overall, though the last line and the first line seem to contradict each other. How can a corpse step off a train? When I read the last line, my mind went HUH?? and I reread the poem again.

Is there some way you can write this poem with the same emotion without having the protag take an active role in what's going on? The first paragraph really caught me and seems to conflict with what you are trying to say. There is talk of the protag stepping off the train and embracing, yet he's supposed to be dead. Maybe I'm just an analytical thinker, but this bugs the heck out of me.

The protag in the poem mentions the last words he said to his family, which suggests you meant for the entire poem to be written by a ghost/spirit, but my mind is still trying to grasp how a dead person can walk off a train and then be buried. I could understand if the spirit stepped off the train and then watched his BODY get buried... Perhaps you could have him speak of his body in the third person in the second to last line, as if he's standing with his family during the funeral ceremony.

Other than that, which is a really simple fix, I think that the poem elicited all the proper emotions of something written about a soldier who died before he could return to his family. I think I would have liked it a lot better if it didn't set off all sorts of warning bells in my head that something wasn't right. Re-reading it, I kind of felt ripped off... I think it's okay to mislead by omission, but I feel like it's kind of sneaky for a writer to actively contradict the facts for the sake of startling the reader.

Whew. That said, I think you're a wonderful writer. You're obviously a very good poet, to wring such a strong reaction from me. Keep up the good work.

-Sara King
http://www.kingfiction.com/authorbio.php
Sara King
36
36
Review of Starship Sentry  
Review by Sara King
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wow, that puts things in a totally different perspective. The problem is, not having that perspective from the beginning, it was very hard to keep interested. I have to admit that I skimmed the first time and was stunned that it had won first place in a contest--any contest--and only realized at the end that it was not what I thought it was. The twist is awesome, but I still think that you need to find a way to make it more interesting the first time through. Perhaps up the stakes and increase tension when the dog sees those weird alien things. I know you can do it...you're obviously very talented and creative. Basically, it's gotta be a great story both ways you look at it, or it'll be hard to get people to read to the end. Overall, good job :) Email me at thundress@hotmail.com if you'd like more ideas...I'd like to help you with this one if you're interested in making changes.

-Sara King
Please visit my website at http://www.kingfiction.com
37
37
Review of Following Destiny  
Review by Sara King
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Andrea!
Wow, this is a huge project. I wrote a small ending chapter then viewed the story outline and was shocked...I didn't see a single ending on 392 chapters. That makes me wonder if you wanted me to put an ending on it at all, or if you simply want to let the story continue without limits.

Anyway, I had a few comments about your writing style. I appreciated the action and the quick pace, but it seemed like everything was just a little too easy for Dauphin. The knife in the enemy's throat, especially. (This Path Ain't Big Enough For Two of Us.) A hero needs to overcome obstacles. A guy falling from his horse dead from the toss of a boot-knife seems a little too simple. These creatures are to be feared, right?

Overall, I think the story needs more tension, but I LOVE the format. I think I might try writing my own like this--it's genius!! (Can you tell I'm a writing.com neophyte?) How many people who read it actually post chapters?

Don't take the criticism to heart. I really enjoyed what I read.

-Sara King
www.kingfiction.com
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