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Review Requests: ON
99 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I'm a tough grader, but I don't neglect good things when I see them. I'll be considering two things when I review your piece. 1) Form. How is the pacing? Are you going for a conventional story structure, and if so, is that structure in place? Did the story resolve itself in a satisfying way, or is it an anticlimax? I generally don't go into spelling/grammar unless it's a major issue. 2) Content. This is where it gets tricky and subjective. Sometimes I'll give an objectively bad piece a good rating because it captured the spirit of something I'm interested in – or maybe it grabbed me in another way. If your story is beautifully written but low-stakes, trivial, or out of touch (I'm one of those jazz cigarette-crazed millennials you've heard so much about) the best you're getting is a 4.0.
I'm good at...
I'm a history nerd, so I'm good at noticing details in period pieces. "They wouldn't have used that word in 1757," etc. I'm also a filmmaker, so I'm good at thinking visually.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction, sci-fi, horror, fantasy, adventure
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review of The First Time  
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Great story. There's a lot of talent in this piece, I can tell. You take us smoothly on the girl's ride from apprehension to ecstasy to heartbreak. I liked the way you handled the sex – too often sex scenes can just seem like erotica, or some writer's fantasy that oughta be confined to a diary. But you understand the mechanics of this relationship and there's an emotional core to the sexuality.

I also like the ominous way you use "she" (the other girl in the boy's life). We don't need to know her name, or her backstory, or what she had for lunch last tuesday. "She" is enough, and a great example of less is more.

What kills you is your grammar and form. In your next revision, you've gotta go back and see to that. I know spell-check can be a pain in the ass, but it notices bad grammar too, and sometimes helps to get you to noticed things you might have overlooked while editing. For example, you write "O god" and God oughta be capitalized, etc.

One thing that threw me off:

‘Make me a drink, bitch’
I jumped, then blushed at myself for being so pathetic.

Whaaat? I don't know if your little brother typed this in before you hit "save and view" but this guy orders your main character to make her drinks, bitch, and he's supposed to be the love of her life? If I said that to my girlfriend she'd smack me. And he says it "smoothy"? I'm sorry but I honestly can't imagine a scenario where "Make me a drink, bitch" is smooth. You'd do well to cut the whole bitch bit. It gives nothing to your story and takes away from the power of the second half.

You write well, and this is an engaging and heartbreaking story. I think through revision and nitpicking, you can make a good story into a great one.

I hope my review helped and believe me when I say that from this, I can tell you're a natural storyteller.
27
27
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Awesome. Really, first rate work. I'd love to read more. The opening is my favorite part. You mix action with exposition in an engaging way. When I read the proposal, I thought "Oh, great. A Sookie Stackhouse ripoff," but the similarities end at the fact that your main character is a telepathic woman. It's dark, edgy, and very well written.

One of the things I wasn't so hot about were the thoughts that Evelyn hears. For example, "Please. I don’t want to die," sounds a little too well-formed to be in a stream of consciousness (and please forgive me, this is just the sort of obnoxious comment I hate getting... I know you know what you're doing, but bear with me). The words that run through people's heads aren't necessarily grammatically correct. Especially not when we're terrified, like Chloe is here. If my life was in danger, my mind would probably be running more along these lines: "oh god please no oh f*** oh s*** don't let him please god get away bastard f***ing i'll fight til i die you bastard"

One more thing. I love your fast-paced beginning, and the sexually tense dialogue between the two women that follows, but I think there needs to be a breather in between these scenes. Where we get to know a little but more about the characters, especially Evelyn. By the time the chapter ends, I know that Evelyn a) is telepathic. b) goes to college. c) has got guts. d) works as an assistant teacher. e) isn't very popular. But I'm not sure about who she really is – where she came from, what she wants, what she'll do when she gets what she wants, etc. This might be extraneous, and for all I know you may be exploring it in a chapter I haven't seen yet, but in any case I think it's missing.

Anyway, hope my feedback was helpful. It's a great piece, truly, one of the best I've come across lately on WDC. I'd very much like to see more.
28
28
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
you have a way with words and a knack for imagery. the relationships, especially between Eve and the serpent, were clear and dynamic. the buried-alive sequence was chilling.

i suppose the fundamental problem with this piece is the dialogue. for example, the serpent says, “How could one reside amongst the branches of the tree of knowledge, dining upon its fruit each day and not derive great benefit?” this sentence is too perfect, too grammatically exact. you could say the snake, as a great tempter, speaks in a deceptively suave way, but Eve's and the narrator's dialogue is much the same. People don't talk like that. they say "uh" and have poor diction, and stumble over their words. obviously, to change the dialogue you'll have to change the whole tone of the piece, but it could use the change.
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Review of Freddy's letter  
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: E | (4.0)
thanks for sharing. little bighorn has always been a battle that interests me, but i've never thought of it from benteen's perspective. i admit i sometimes think harshly of the old boy, since he held back from helping custer (though autie was no angel himself).
30
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Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
a great little story. what made it scary was your foreword! i have no idea if little boston truly does have a vampire cemetery, but this bit

"But for God’s sake, not at night. Please, never be anywhere near the place after dark."

did it all for me. the foreword was an amazing touch, truly. makes me wish i had thought of it...

another great part was,

"!!!not right go back leave GET OUT!!!"

it was very truthful. too often i see horror pieces where people have, "There's something eerie about this house, Mr. Onedimensional thought." of course, it's not how human beings think, especially when scared. it's much more of a great jumble of primal, animalistic instinct.

i don't know much about texas, but your vampire folklore was dead on.

i think you can cut some things. the big battle between the vampires and ghosts (at least, thats what i thought it was) kinda took me by surprise and was generally unnecessary.

thanks for sharing!
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Review of Butcher Run  
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
it's pretty good, but your pacing is off and you need to check your strunk & white.
32
32
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a hoot! even so, at times it gets a little too ridiculous for any real comedic effect. I could hear the Duke's voice though, clear as "that'll be the day"
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33
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed.
34
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Review of The Right Choice  
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Short and sweet. It took me a couple of readings, but I found a lot of whimsy in this piece. Apart from a few grammar mistakes, this is fun and crazy... And a great little metaphor. Nice work.
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Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
ha! welcome to my childhood...

A clever and very engaging story. I must admit I was tempted to look at the end... but didn't.

Every one of the 500 words was rich.

Just one criticism... Hollingsworth...? Very aristocratic and Anglo-Saxon... and cliché.

Thanks for a great read :)
36
36
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: E | (4.0)
You need to break up with your boyfriend, sweetie :P

Thank you, and keep writing.
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Review of The Dream  
Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Creepy. As. F*ck. Great work; I wasn't quite sure what the whole goings-on of the conspiracy was though. But I looooved the dream sequences.
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Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: E | (3.0)
oh man, that's a big question.... well i wouldn't want to stand out. i'd dirty myself and steal someone's clothes. then i'd try to find a way back. if there was no way back... hmm... i'd probably just try to blend in. i can ride a horse and use a sword... but i can't speak their languages... though since most were so uneducated i'd likely tell some cock-and-bull story about how i'm from a faraway land. if it were certain i'd never come home i'd probably take up a trade and start a family. maybe if i was dropped into scandanavia i'd go raiding and be a viking. i'd definitely like that.
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Review by Leif the Lucky
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Great! I really enjoyed the Hansel and Gretel parallels. One piece of (hopefully constructive) criticism I have is the dialogue. Somehow I didn't quite believe that in that time period of uncertainty and violence, the interactions between the children of the lord would be so peaches and cream. The alien woman really intrigued me! I do wish we could have seen more of her and the high stakes of the danger the children were in.

Overall though, I thought it was awesome. I'll be checking out some of your other work ;)
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