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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sealkris
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4 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by T.C. Abernathy
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello Clark

I figured I owed you a review, so lets get to it :)

Pros
I like this premise. It seems like you have put a lot of thought into your dragon society. Just from the first few paragraphs, a lot of the history and hierarchy of the society comes through. The premise alone had me hooked. I could tell there was more interesting interactions between the pups coming. Conflict was being set up. Good Job!

Cons
The first part of this story is mostly exposition, which isn't bad per se, but as a beginning of a story, it is mostly avoided by other authors. I think you (and by the way these are only my opinions :)should weave the exposition though out the story. Let it come about naturally. that will also make the readers wonder 'why are they acting that way, or what's the purpose of this' a little mystery keeps the reader engaged. I also think you could jack up the tension with the birth scene in the beginning. Births are crazy, chaotic times. Focus on that. maybe have the mother lash out in protective anger or lament the failure of the ember passing. idk something like that, I feel like the scene is missing a little emotion.

I hope this review helps and keep up the good work!
T.C.
2
2
Review of Trapped  
Review by T.C. Abernathy
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hello Derick Lee

First off, I wanted to thank you for taking the time to read and review my story "Bullet". I'm guessing you're a fan of westerns. My favorite western author is Elmore Leonard. If you haven't read him yet, I suggest "Valdez is Coming", "3:10 to Yuma", and "The Hot Kid" ("The Hot Kid" takes place in Oklahoma, so I may be a little biased being an Okie myself :) If you wanted to check out another of my stories, I would suggest my novella "Eli Franye" (a supernatural western) or my short story "Ski Trip". But enough of other writers. This Review is about your short story "Trapped", so let me dive in.

Overall Impression

After finishing your story, my overall impression is detachment. You don't give any of your characters names. I found it hard to really connect with any of them. When the protagonist thinks about his murder son, he would think about him in terms of his name. I did like the setting. It was a very small and personal setting. I think it works well with this type of story. It keeps the story tight and the tension high. I didn't really understand the antagonist's motivation. Is stealing horses enough to justify the dedication to the violence? I think the stakes should have been higher to justify this level of violence for the antagonist. The protagonist actions, I believe, are appropriate. His family was murdered, so he has every right to dispatch the bad guys with extreme prejudice (which you delivered in spades :).

Plot

The plot is plausible, but I think it could be elaborated on a bit. I enjoy simple plots. Black and white actions, I think they are great for escapist fare. And don't take that as a criticism, some of the best stories deal with black and white issues. We all want to have decisions that are clear cut. But I do want to know the motivations behind the characters actions.

Imagery

There was a passage in your story that really connected with me. I could see the scene clearly in my mind. It was when the protagonist took off his shirt and used it to protect himself from the smoke. And that is what story telling is all about. Your words created an image in my mind and it was brilliant. Try to do that with every scene.

Grammer

I'm not going to lie, my grammer sucks. I don't think it would fair for me to criticize anyone on their grammer, but I did notice some omitted words, and some comma usage issues.

Closing

Please don't take any of my comments the wrong way. I only give them in order to let you know what I like as a reader, and I hope you continue with your craft. And if you have any new stories you want reviewed don't hesitate to drop me a line.
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