I could picture the whole thing while I was reading. Even down to the looks a mother would give her son, and how she already knew. I could feel the apprehension and shock he would have felt. Over all it's great. I know it was a writers prompt but I feel like there could be at the very least a short story based around them. Great dialogue, great story. Well done!
This seems like it could be expanded on a great deal. It does need a lot of tweaking. There are no capitals, punctuation or quotations for the spoken parts. It's an intense scene it looks like, but I think it's lost with the misspellings, run on sentences and I think Kylie is referred to as another person outside of the scene then in the scene. I think this could a good start to really flesh out a great story.
Great description and from what I could see no obvious spelling or grammar errors. The narrative is... to be honest horrifying. I can't imagine this being what happens to people after death. But with that, I feel like this could be a prologue to a short story or even a novel if you like the supernatural horror mystery like Koontz or King. I think I would really enjoy reading something expanded on this. Great job.
I get the story and the struggle depicted here. The spelling and grammar just need looked over. the use of "you" or "ya" instead of "your", "to" instead of "too". "ol" instead of "ole". punctuation and contractions can use some tweaking. the ellipses (should be only 3 "...") could be commas or the start of a new stanza instead of either. try to avoid using text slang like "bc" or "b/c" instead of because or "u" instead of "you". It has a great potential, as a mom I feel the strain of being a parent.
It's not bad. I didn't really get a flow from it and feel like the message was lost in the adjectives. The use of "and" in many of the stanzas makes it feel more choppy. but over all I think it's a great start.
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