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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shaara
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Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the way the poem began. It really set the scene for this -- so startling so funny.



I hope you don't actually PRESENT this to anyone. Or if you do, duck. LOL But if you can keep them reading to the end, well, then, eventually they may see the beauty of the piece. (Oh, dear, that sounds awful. I mean, I really enjoyed your poem, but it might jar your sweetheart -- at first. LOL)


Corrections & comments:

Actually as one reads through to the end, though, this poem really touches. It is the way love should be. (Maybe not with that declined amex card, but with the way the poet promises to love until he/she stops breathing. Ah, sigh.)









I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Silken Threads  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the concept you presented. This is beautiful.



I especially enjoyed the way the chains shrink in intimacy and are strengthened by unselfish care.


Corrections & comments: Personally, I would place a period after swollen, then start the next line as a complete sentence.

It was also nice the way you contrasted nebular focus and singular focus. Well thought-out.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of Circle of Life  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Good job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was your use of the sonnet, which is very hard to write!



I especially enjoyed the tale of a love that endured, even into death. That is truly ROMANTIC!


Corrections & comments:

I think you were trying to even-out the line by making "can not" into two words, but the word is actually cannot. Would it have made that much difference to write it correctly? Ah, well, but you are the poet. I am merely the reader you allowed to enter into this bittersweet drama.

I will tell you that as amusing as your ending was with the use of the word, "smores" it very much seemed disjointed from the seriousness of the rest of the poem. Was your intention to disrupt our sadness? Were we supposed to smile (or even giggle) at the idea? (Or perhaps, such a concept, such a tasty dessert was your idea of Heaven. Not a bad idea. For me, there are horses, cats and lots of green grass, trees, and bubbling brooks.)

One other detail that struck me as interesting -- the elements of TIME: future tense in the first stanza, present tense in the second, past tense in the third and final. Was that intentional?









I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review of Love's Rose  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Wonderful!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the fact that I could almost smell that rose. I think it was the way the bud opened, atom by atom that did that, along with the release of its perfume. It was all so very vivid. I am sure that rose was red. Right?



I especially enjoyed that this piece wasn't about a new love, but a love that had endured. That is truly the evidence of LOVE.


Corrections & comments: What else can I say. This is beautiful. It makes anyone romantic at heart say, "Ahhhhh." The way you wrote this, giving every word precision and depth deserves a bow. This piece floored me with awe.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Great job! This gave me goosebumps! *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the story you gave us. It was a peek into a different culture from mine that revealed how love could look from another angle. Nicely done.



I especially enjoyed the way you presented this, leading us softly, gently through one man's tale. I'd like to gaze at his young bride, see the hero of the tale, even glance at his mother so I could try to understand how she could be so cruel. But even when you didn't SHOW us that, you gave us a well-rounded picture.


Corrections & comments: No corrections. How could I change a thing, when you wove this like a tapestry. Very SKILLFULLY.






I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Your Embrace  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Good job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the ending, the way it is two against the a "world prone to darkness." That last line is powerful!



I especially enjoyed the emotion in this piece. The love comes through.


Corrections & comments: My one suggestion is to find another wording for the following cliche: "Burning bright." I wonder if there is other phrasing you could use. The rest of the poem is so beautifully fresh.

But then there is that crescendo at the end, so . . . ??? Anyway, nice writing.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was "the butterfly wings of my heart." That is so vivid, so emotional.



I especially enjoyed "our sun" as if the fact that it belonged only to the two of you had deepened the intensity of your relationship. And then there was the line"between the beats of my eardrum." That is something, we, the reader can understand. We've felt it, heard it. Nicely done.


Corrections & comments: This may just be me, but I would drop the last two lines. They take away from the beauty of that sensory-filled first stanza.

But, you are the poet who has felt this emotion, or at least built it to share for the rest of us, so . . .







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Good job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the contrast at the beginning of their friendship to the ending of what was to come.



I especially enjoyed "Children three, dogs galore." Great line.


Corrections & comments:

This was a nice piece about a lengthy marriage. It showed the necessity of friendship in a relationship, which is why I enjoyed it so much.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the way your love was the king of your heart. Lovely.



I especially enjoyed the last stanza with its almost magical feel. This made me wonder if the poet were an elf princess, a mother with her son, a tired woman who simply loved her husband, or . . .?


Corrections & comments:

Are there any soft beds on the moon? (Just kidding.) This reminds me of the work of many of the old children's tales. I loved the "fetch a nice pillow from the clouds." That's a line I could really get into. LOL

Actually, this piece is quite wondrous. I think one day we might see it in poetry books.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Good job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the tone of innocent first love. Should I risk it? Should I dare?



I especially enjoyed the feeling of youth you've managed to put into this piece. We've all been at that moment of uncertainty. That's why it is so easy to identify with this piece.


Corrections & comments: "In the worst of times, This has been the best of times" sounds too much like Dickens in the "Tale of Two Cities." I would reword that. It breaks the mood, which you really don't want to have happen in the middle of a love poem.

Anyway, you did a good job with the prompt.





I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of beyond dreaming  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the illustration of how we often don't get what we think we want, and that turns out better. I like your liking.



I especially enjoyed the ending. It was surprising, which is always a good thing.


Corrections & comments:

foolishness. I've bleed (bled?)

somehow, as we grow together . . . at this point you switched to present tense. But I would feel it more coherent if you remained in past tense.
somehow, as we grew together, etc., because with the lines that follow, you are looking back over a period of time.

But, you're the poet. I am just giving you an opinion here.

Anyway, you did a great job with this piece. I enjoyed my read.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






I am so sorry your piece did not qualify in the contest. I was told that it did not have a line count. But here is a review to cheer you up.  



What I liked most about this piece: My cooler, our clutch, crisp with vagrant sand. << Lovely description! I can see it and feel it!

I also liked: Your suit clings, drips a trail. Again very descriptive.



I especially enjoyed the list of foods. Eggs salad isn't a good thing for a picnic, but it is in a cooler, so I hope they didn't get sick. It makes me hungry, though.




Corrections & comments:
Invisible imprint like ink -- but ink is not invisible. I would think this would be a visible imprint like ink.

Toeing noisy beams down -- I am not sure I follow this. Are they making their way down the side of a cliff that has beams of wood? If that is what you mean, then it works. I like the toeing.



You certainly have a way of painting the scene. Nice job.

I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






I am so sorry your piece did not qualify in the contest. I was told that it did not have a line count. But here is a review to cheer you up.  



What I liked most about this piece was that, according to the picture and the name on the acrostic, this is a truth poem, so bravo. I hope you share it with your loved one.



I especially enjoyed the thought at the end: that "hospitals are the true reveal." That is something we all can be thinking about, especially in times like now.


Corrections & comments:

I wouldn't put two ing words together: "Lasting loving," but maybe that's just me. For me, the sound of it is off. But you're the poet, just letting you know my thoughts.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Valentines  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Journey Through Genres: Romantic Poetry (February, 2020)

Thanks for entering!






I am so sorry your piece did not qualify in the contest. I was told that it did not have a line count. But here is a review to cheer you up.  



What I liked most about this piece was the seeming simplicity. You showed your love quite adequately.



I especially enjoyed the vision of those chocolate hearts melting in the pot.


Corrections & comments: My favorite was the third stanza with its mulched and mangled. Very clever wording in this piece. I enjoyed it thoroughly.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Romantic Poetry.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  Good story! It was creative and original.  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the poor woman who got caught up in this. She only wanted to take excellent pictures. How sad that everything went wrong for her.



I especially enjoyed the shopkeeper with her dark red lipstick and hair -- and the cat! Her pet made me wonder if she were a witch. Quite clever to start your readers down that suspicion zone!


Corrections & comments:

She named a price will within Diana's budget... I think you meant to say: well but less than it's actual worth.. That should be its, not it's = it is

Her worried gazed dropped the the camera. << Her worried gaze dropped to the camera? Also, the her, refers back to the noun before it (the woman's smiling face}, which is confusing. It would be more clear if you repeated Diana's name so we understand that the worried expression was Diana's. To clarify: Diana's worried gaze dropped to the camera.

Looking through the viewfinder she shielded the light < once again the she refers back to the noun, the woman back at the shop. (See above.)

"You do know how to stage a photot. photo?

She often at her lunch. (ate)

It was the same park she'd taken the picture of the dog . . . At this point I was especially unclear which person you were talking about due to pronoun confusion. (Sorry) Who ate lunch in the park, who was the one taking pictures of the dog, who didn't recognize the woman in the picture?






I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review for "Quotation Inspiration."



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16
16
Review by Shaara
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was that once you warmed up, you really took off. Great writing. I was a little unclear in places, but I think you really have something here. I hope you expand on this, let us see more of the back history than that one little dream. This is really intense.



I especially enjoyed those lovely phrases you gave us: His lips miming as though in silent prayer, for example.


Corrections & comments:

My heart hammers as I swing a glance at my principal, < A school principal? This made me backtrack and I still couldn't make sense of how a rally was taking place in a school. Okay, later the high school marching band is playing, so maybe the politician IS a principal. Now I'm even more confused.

I understand that principal could be used as a chief or head of something, so it probably isn't wrong, but I just thought I'd tell you what stopped me cold in my reading and continued to confuse me as you went along.


. . . a wife and daughter should give him pause, even if a loveless, political marriage. < This sentence feels incomplete. Did you mean: Having a wife and daughter should give him pause, even if it is only a loveless, political marriage.


I screw my face in disgust. Isn't it screw-up my face? Since there is also a pejorative meaning for this verb, you might want to choose another expression?

leaching tension from my shoulders. < I love this phrase!

while he fists a cigar< Also good.

"You thinking, El Patron?" Are you addressing El Patron here? If not, no comma.



I am so glad I got to read this. It really kept me wanting to read.

I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!





This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17
17
Review of Something Clicked  
Review by Shaara
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  Great job! I loved the tale and the pictures that went with it -- but, of course, I can't allow the pictures to influence my judging of the story. (Sigh.) *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was that it took me somewhere I've never been. Not only did I get to go to another country, but I got to learn about postmarks! Great fun.



I especially enjoyed the part about the ride up that hill, which you two didn't realize was a possibility.


Corrections & comments:

They're the inked thingie that give the name of the post office and the dateline, that gives -- the inked thingie is one item, I presume.

I liked this sentence: He's the guardian of the stamp-mark.

I never thought about people collecting postmarks. It was an interesting hobby. If this is a true story, which I bet it is, I hope you have collected lots of them!

I think that a little less "wandering off" would improve this piece. I really liked the beginning, but I would delete "If I put one foot in front of the other, I go one step more, not to the top," I grumble. < For me, that was meandering a bit too much, but maybe that's just me. In the paragraphs that come after that, I'd prune some of the excess, too. Then you could give us some more sensory. What is beneath your feet? What are you wearing? What do you smell? What was that buggy like? etc.





I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18
18
Review by Shaara
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  Great job!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the concept of the digital becoming sentient. I think this idea will play more and more in science fiction.You're a frontrunner.



I especially enjoyed the drone linkage. Very clever.


Corrections & comments:

The first paragraphs don't tell us that you are writing in first person, but since there is no pronoun, it is rather assumed, which means that when you begin the "He endured . . ." it is a little startling. It causes the reader to backtrack, looking for the transition. Who is this HE?

who (whose) cries of life were a welcome diversion from the beeps and boops of the delivery room equipment. < I liked the sound effects!

Be careful of overly long sentences. What follows goes on and on!

Also, watch those pronouns: When the doctor did his final examination of his wife < the doctor's wife is there?

perplexing relief -- do you mean perplexed relief?

ally should be alley, although the second time you spelled it correctly.

autolense -- is that an auto lens?

I hope you both learned you (your)lesson.

As Gigi darted behind Greg and her, calming herself < too many pronouns


I really, really had difficulty adapting to your lack of pronouns/nouns. I hope that is not a future technique. It is not one that I want to adapt to. Sorry. (example: “What do I do now,” still confused by her own awareness." She said, he said, the digital camera said, etc. PLEASE.






This was a creative and imaginative. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19
19
Review of Elective  
Review by Shaara
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams


I am sorry your piece was disqualified for failure to follow directions (posting word count.) I have erred often, forgetting to do something, then been disqualified for it. It is very frustrating. But, I am still going to give your piece a review. I hope that will soften the disappointment.


*Smile*  I really, really liked this piece! I wasn't sure about the importance of the feeling faint episode or the main character's failure to remember her homeward trip. How was that essential to the story? I thought it was going to work into a romance with the professor, but you never went there.  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was that the student took so many pictures, which is probably the key to a winning photo, after all. But how did she MAKE that photo (special?) I think if you decide to work more on this piece, I would journey further. When she looks at the developed photos what is she thinking each time? Is her brain refocusing, reimagining, examining the scene for what she liked and didn't like. The eye of the photographer, that is the essential part which MAKEs a particular picture a WOW. Of course, that's only my viewpoint, and I'm not a photographer. LOL



I especially enjoyed the fact that she went into nature instead of staying home to read the textbook. Essential!


Corrections & comments:

It seems to me that this young lady did NOT meet the assignment. She gave the professor a packetof photos, but he asked for -- interesting . . . the task was: to find the most beautiful thing in the world, yet he asks the students to drop their prints in his box. So, it is the professor who has a confusing assignment. One is singular and one is plural. Perhaps you might want to ponder that issue and have Mr. Prof change his assignments to: the most beautiful things in the world, or have the students choose one photo that shows the most beautiful thing.

Just a thought, of course.







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20
20
Review by Shaara
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!
I am sorry your item was not accepted in the contest. You didn't post your item in the contest, so I had to hunt for it in your portfolio. Although I am not required to give you a review, here it is, just so you get some benefit for attempting to enter the contest.



Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  This has a lot of potential if you slow down on what you SHOW us. (See comment in Corrections.)  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the fact that they do meet up in the end, and neither one of them is a stalker.



I especially enjoyed the way you showed Richard's need for companionship. Perhaps Melanie might have an equally private moment of contemplation or could tell a friend how she yearned for someone compatable?


Corrections & comments:

When you say that Leslie looked at Richard, you are changing the focus away from Richard. It isn't wrong, but I wonder why you bother to say that line. If you were inviting us into the Leslie character, that would be important, although "looked" is rather vague. Perhaps she shook her head while sighing, which would show us that she didn't really want Richard to leave. Such a line would give us a hint as to whether we should like your main character or not.

Blew out the roll of film? Perhaps that is camera talk, but I have never heard it. Used up. shot a roll of film, shot picture after picture, exhausted the roll of film . . . ?

This piece really came alive in the restaurant where we discover a mystery. Who offered him that ice cream?

Before that, it was pretty much telling. (One note about such things: I think it is more impactful to stop and smell the roses; ie find an item to narrow our focus: for instance the old tourist cabin -- SHOW US. Example: Each log, roughly axed and full of splinters, jutted out unevenly. etc.

I was glad for the paragraph you give us about Melanie. Before that, I was starting to think the was a stalker!











I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work! You really have a good imagination for an interesting story.




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21
21
Review of Diorama Hints  
Review by Shaara
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





This story successfully met the prompt.



What I liked most about this piece was the reason for the murders. Ah, revenge. Was Virginia bullied or rejected by Walter?



This story made use of dioramas and a woman who studied her crime scenes from a living room recliner. Good detail.


Corrections & comments:I think you described details well. It must have been done very skillfully because it actually made me feel ill -- severed heads, bones crunched, knives that plunged . . . I may have nightmares from your author's skill at being so vivid.

I had a few problems following sections with the two detectives. Perhaps having them enter the house would make our understanding clearer. Or was the murderess merely watching them on TV?

For instance: If the detectives are in the living room with the murderess, why does Virginia lean back in her recliner and smile, then say: "I love it. They think that it's a man who is doing all of these killings." I know Virginia isn't just thinking that because you have put the lines in quotation marks, but why would she confess out loud and then have no reaction from the detectives?

Also, I recommend deleting most of the "theres" and "thats." They made it harder for me to follow the storyline. (Example: "Walter joins Amanda after slowly glancing around there." Where is there?)

Please watch the tenses. ("After stepping back a few feet from her latest diorama, Virginia takes a picture of that recreation. Then she pushed the car back down on the body and takes another picture of it." I suggest making this all past tense or all present tense.

Virginia starts walking down that side of the basement. < Sorry, this sentence lost me. She walks on the side of the basement?







I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work! It's if obvious that you have a flare for crime fiction.





This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






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22
22
Review of The pelican  
Review by Shaara
Rated: E | (4.0)
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I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  This qualifies for meeting the prompt!  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece is that you presented us with a picture of a man who is going blind. You showed us who he was before the macular degeneration and then after, and gave us a carrot of hope for his future.



I especially enjoyed the view of the sunset over the water, and I loved the lost pelican soaring up into the sky.


Corrections & comments: In the future, I would recommend double spacing for the ease of your readers, but, of course, that does not count against your work.

A lot of this piece is telling. (Example: A boy likes apples. << Telling

A boy claps his hands together whenever he sees apples. His face breaks out in smiles, and he cries out, "Apples, Mommy, apples!" << Showing

I would also recommend deleting lines that are not essential to the story. Does the section about reconstituted pictures by computer play a significant part to this story? (IF you want it to, it could, but I think you've got enough going on with the blindness and the medical treatment, along with a professional photographer wanting to score the perfect sunset shot.)

The blinds << not used for people who are blind. That refers to a window treatment. (The blinds were closed against the sunshine.)







I am so glad I got to read this. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






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23
23
Review of Giving  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)

Thanks for entering!




Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams





*Smile*  Great job! This made me smile.  *Smile*



What I liked most about this piece was the sweetness of the little boy.



I especially enjoyed your sentence: "The reel lurched forward spooling film forward evenly, sending frames like a river through inner light past the lens." That was beautiful.


Corrections & comments: It was a nice format to choose the scene of a Sunday school for your tale. It certainly fit the story.

One thing that would greatly improve you piece would be to use paragraphs to isolate POV. For instance in the first paragraph:
The small room next to the fellowship hall smelled of crayola, markers, glue and construction paper. The intoxicating scents intensified the nearer Jacob was drawn. (Lovely use of sensory, by the way. I could almost smell that room.) He wanted to create beautiful images for Miss Hart. Here, change of POV, so change paragraph.>>She had marveled at the five-year-old child's imagination, sharing his artwork with the rest of the Sunday school children. POV, change paragraph>> They seemed less than interested. It did not bother the young artist.

Perhaps you might want to show us the other children at that point. Show us the teacher (Each with his/her own paragraph.) Does that make sense?

In particular:

"Yes, very good!" Paragraph? Jacob soaked up his teacher's warming words. (Show us how he looks)"Today, we are going to meet those children and their families. You will be able to see. . .





I am so glad I got to read this. It is so sad to see bullies. You presented them well and showed us the maturity level of Jacob. I sure hope he comes out of childhood physically unscathed.

I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!





This is an official review from one of the contest judges for

Quotation Inspiration.



Smiles,
S h a a r a






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review of Fortitude  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:


Write a story or poem about being sick but having to go to work (or school or whatever) anyway.







First off, you successfully wrote to and therefore, have qualified for today’s Writer’s Cramp contest:
FORUM
The Writer's Cramp  (13+)
Write the best story or poem in 24 hours (or less) during and win 10KGPs.
#333655 by Sophy


What I liked most about this piece was: It said it all most perfectly!!!! Anyone who has ever been sick will identify with this piece!






Further Corrections & comments: The first stanza left me a bit confused, but a quick reread after hitting the second stanza, aligned this piece. That second stanza is what deserves the perfect 5.0. It is marvelous how you can image us into a scene!












I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to



for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Sick As A Dog  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:


Write a story or poem about being sick but having to go to work (or school or whatever) anyway.







First off, you successfully wrote to and therefore, have qualified for today’s Writer’s Cramp contest:
FORUM
The Writer's Cramp  (13+)
Write the best story or poem in 24 hours (or less) during and win 10KGPs.
#333655 by Sophy


What I liked most about this piece was:"you look like fifteen miles of bad roads." If you made that up, it's great!






Further Corrections & comments: I thought the punchline was going to be that the employer now was sick. The bankruptcy came out of nowhere. Big surprise!












I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to



for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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