*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shaara
Review Requests: OFF
5,732 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next
1
1
Review of Take Out  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review







Your Prompt was:

A trip to a fast-food drive-thru goes incredibly wrong...







This needs to be expanded. It has great potential. I really liked the base, the idea, the characters.



Further Corrections & comments:“Gimme’ one of those.” Mabel really needed a junk food fix. She’d wanted one when she invited her friend along for the ride. Now she needed one. (Avoid using needed twice. How about: Now she was desperate.

You might want to show us who is driving. I did some rereading to try to figure that out. Also, ages, descriptions of characters? I loved the cheetos bit.

Good setting for the restaurant. That was great about the rats: Rats crawled over rubble where smoke curled up from an occasional fifty-gallon drum where furtive figures hands danced over flickering flames. (I'd chop this sentence in half. Period after drum. Then . . . Furtive figures' hands (?) Is this the homeless? We needs a bit more to figure out what you're showing us.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review







Your Prompt was:

A trip to a fast-food drive-thru goes incredibly wrong...







What I liked most about this piece was the action. Boy was a lot happening in this short piece!



Further Corrections & comments:

Why was there a still in the bathroom? Were they really making alcohol in there, or did you mean, stall?


I'd avoid the repetition: So, we tried this NEW place that had good reviews. Why not try something NEW, you know? So, we went for it. (Last sentence basically repeats the first.

(Personally, I'd use that first sentence and delete the other two.)

You wanted to think it would be so complicated to get food, especially fast food. All I wanted was a small chocolate shake, a . . . I think there's a typo in the beginning sentence here. I reread it, and still didn't catch the meaning. How about: It shouldn't be complicated to get food at a fast food restaurant. (Simplify!)

At least I wouldn’t be alone in my suffering. Judging by how we pulled up and see the boss’s girl just leave. At least I have my partner in crime with me. (Verb confusion. and saw. I had) Maybe you could combine these sentences?


I am so glad I got to read this. Although it was pretty rough, it was fun. I think it has real potential. Lots to expand, too.

Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!





Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was: Suddenly, a tornado strikes. Write a story or poem about it.





*Smile*  Great job! This has so much potential! What a creative and powerful tale. *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece were the way you SHOWED us the scenes. My favorite line: There was a greenish witch-like colour to them.
/c}


Corrections & comments:

Of course, there were quite a few errors that I know with time you'll be editing out.

Avoid began to or started to: Hail began to pelt us. Our clothes we smoked. Hail pelted us. What does the second sentence mean? Our clothes . . .?

Each of us made our way around the things that began to dump down into our path. things that avalanched into our path? things that were tossed . . . Actually, instead of things, it would be so much more vivid to say: A tree (for example) plummeted down. I swerved.

. . . back at the clouds, I decided that I didn't want this gear slowing me down. I through (threw) it down by the edge of the tress. Ebb did the same. Then we grabbed our bikes and started to pedal off down the road. (Avoid started to and began to: Then we grabbed our bikes and pedaled full speed -- or use a descriptive: pedaled faster than a high speed piston, or . . .

I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was: Suddenly, a tornado strikes. Write a story or poem about it.





*Smile*  This is puzzling, but full of promise. *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece was the fact that I was burning with questions. Who are these people? Are they gods/goddesses? Why did he need to leave? What will be the aftereffects of his failure to depart?


Corrections & comments:

I would start with: A scream. Using the implies that we've already been introduced: A sharp scream rattled the windows. The scream, sharp enough to pierce both ears and heart, gave full warning that the siege had begun.

If the "man" figured that she would erupt like she did, why hadn't he put away such valuables. Were they his or hers? If they were his, of course, he would have taken them with him, packed in his luggage. Or does this imply that he was returning, anyway.

Why would he remain with such an immature woman????

Good use of the tornado, even if this piece raised so many questions in the mind of the reader. (Probably these questions will be answered in your rewrites??)



I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of The Eye of Mist  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was: Suddenly, a tornado strikes. Write a story or poem about it.





*Smile*   *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece was the whole scene you led us into, based on the prompt. Great creativity.


Corrections & comments:

I realize this piece is a first draft. As you work on it further, strengthen the scene with sensory: (for example: what does their sweat smell like? Does the power between them reek of rotten eggs, burning rubber, ozone, bad breath . . .

Let those verbs be more powerful: As in the first sentence: stood looking doesn't SHOW us anything. viewed, scanned, glanced scornfully . . etc.

Also this piece needs some character development. I really didn't know who was who in that first battle. (Yes, I realize you couldn't expand this piece due to the 1,000 word limit, but you can after the judging.)


Watch your antecedents. Each pronoun refers back to the noun preceding it. (Example: The warrior tightened his grip on his sword and lunged at the vile wizard. His blade (the wizard's?) hit an invisible barrier as Thron held up his hands. They (hands?) stayed in a gridlock momentarily.

Lastly, why did Einethan betray his people? We need some back story there.

Hope these suggestions help to strengthen this piece when you do your editing.

I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was: Suddenly, a tornado strikes. Write a story or poem about it.





*Smile*  Good descriptions. You took me there. *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece was that you didn't take me to see the aftermath. I've been seeing that on the news. Bad. bad. bad.


Corrections & comments: My favorite line: A greenish tinge turns the clouds to a sinister hue

I'm not sure about the word tinge, however. haze, oozing of evil, smudge . . .???

I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review





Your Prompt was:

The big news (apparently the only news) on the East Coast of the US is Hurricane Florence, who's lashing the Carolina coast as I write this. Write a story or poem about someone evacuating from a hurricane target.







What I liked most about this piece was that your words SHOWED the force of the wind.



Further Corrections & comments: This was nicely done. I thought the last line was a bit weak, but I understand the difficulty of the sonnet. What a challenge!

The last line changes the rating of the piece. I would suggest using a different word than hell-bent.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy Birthday Writing.com!




Your Prompt was:

Write a story or poem about a newly discovered planet with 18 moons, and being one of the first people to visit it. You must choose SciFi as one of your genres.







What I liked most about this piece was the eighteen questions. I think this piece held a great wisdom, I'm just not sure what it was. FOFL



Further Corrections & comments:

Although I would normally lecture on sensory input and character-building, I won't. This was light, funny, and highly confusing -- just the way it was meant to be.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Fixer-Upper  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy Birthday Writing.com!




Your Prompt was:

Write a story or poem about a newly discovered planet with 18 moons, and being one of the first people to visit it. You must choose SciFi as one of your genres.







This was wonderful. I really enjoyed the peek into this strange relationship.



Further Corrections & comments:

I liked what you did with the prompt. How creative to think of using moons as an investment device. Great promise here. I hope you write more about this couple.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy Birthday Writing.com!




Your Prompt was:

Write a story or poem about a newly discovered planet with 18 moons, and being one of the first people to visit it. You must choose SciFi as one of your genres.







What I liked most about this piece was that it was so cute.



Further Corrections & comments:

There were a few typos that a spell check would probably pick up, but nothing that detracted too much from comprehension.

I liked the character.

I didn't understand why he was now staying on that moon indefinitely. I thought he was returning to Earth. (Of course, with time differences . . .)

I thought you used great creativity with this piece, while sprinkling in a bit of science. Nice job.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of End of Summer  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write a story or poem about the end of summer.







What I liked most about this piece was learning a new word, and the fact that this poem is excellent!



Further Corrections & comments:

I loved the use of mourning doves. How appropriate to your theme. Also summer's weeping children. Yes!!!!




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Frankie  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write a story or poem featuring a puppet show that goes horribly wrong.







This was eerie! I liked it.



Further Corrections & comments:

It would be nice to have some spacing in this piece. It is very hard to read in its current format.

Although you set up the final scene by telling us about the nature of the puppets (Frankie sitting in the back seat,) I think some dialogue would have made it even more clear.

My suggestion is to let Frankie air is outrage instead of you telling us how he was ticked off about not being used.

I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Tonight will feature a lunar eclipse - sadly for me, not visible from the US. Write a story or poem about observing, or attempting to observe, such an event.







What I liked most about this piece was your wonderful sense of humor! This is probably not politically correct, but it was a real kick!



Further Corrections & comments:

I am so sorry that I cannot consider this piece for the judging today. You forgot to include your word count in the posting. Sigh.

But I did give you a review anyway. I'm so glad I did. Great piece!




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Weekend Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

On this day (or tomorrow, depending on your time zone) 49 years ago, dudes walked on the moon for the first time. Write a story or poem about visiting the moon.





What I liked most about this piece was the line: The starkness a beauty of its own. Nice line. It made me SEE.



Further Corrections & comments:

How sad that their play was interrupted so abruptly. Such is the realm of space travel. Sigh.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Spud Dud  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Writer's Cramp Review




Your prompt was: oday is Friday the 13th! It's also National French Fry Day in the US, which is weird because a) we're not France and b) French Fries were actually invented in Belgium. Anyway, let's combine the two and write about an unlucky french fry.




*Smile*  This is slightly weird, but you have a good sense of humor.  *Smile*


What I liked most about this piece was the line: Personality Disorder: "I want to be a chip."


Corrections & comments:

Actually, maybe Monkey on my back - Catsup, I hate it. is an equal favorite.




This was most unusual. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


For a quick view of my writing, I recommend:
 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


Each is an individual story that I will one day, hopefully, piece together into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Sometimes when you come home from vacation, everything in the house seems to be broken. Write a story or poem about it.






What I liked most about this piece was the series of horribles. Well done with a collection of probable catastrophes.



Further Corrections & comments:

When you edit this piece you might want to do a bit more description with some sensory as well. (By the way, you might want to add that the water coming out of the faucet was brown. That always happens to us when the faucets haven't flowed during a long vacation. LOL




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Family Vacation  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Sometimes when you come home from vacation, everything in the house seems to be broken. Write a story or poem about it.






What a horrible mistake! I don't blame Mom for deciding not to trust anyone else to do the final check.



Further Corrections & comments:

You have quite a bit of repetition.


The first thing we noticed was that the freezer had stopped working, ruining about $200.00 worth of food, which had been stored in it. (A reader knows the food was stored in the refrigerator. Delete", which had been stored in it."

"I'll have the power back on in a jiffy," I said "I believe is just a tripped breaker. There must have been a power surge or something that caused it to trip."

Sure enough I found that the breaker to the kitchen receptacles had been tripped and quickly reset it. Mom indicated that everything was still not running. This prompted me to check the main breaker and I found that it too had been tripped. (choose another word? Tripped has already been used -- shut off?)
I turned it back on and the lights in the house sprang to life and the refrigerator started to hum. "That did it", Mom said. "Whatever you did fixed it."

"I turned on the main breaker", I replied. "I don't know how it got turned off to begin with unless there was a power surge or something."

Hope my suggestion helps.


I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
Review of Untitled 5  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write about the one that got away...




What I liked most about this piece was the simplicity. This was wonderful.



Further Corrections & comments:

I liked your use of the sandwich lines. Very nicely down.

You might think about changing your last line to:

I'd never let you go.





I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
19
19
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write about the one that got away...




What I liked most about this piece was the peek into a really great relationship and a wonderful boyish memory.



Further Corrections & comments:

I would also take away the line that comments on your grandmother's "way with words." It takes away from the reader's delight in the sentence before it.


Everybody mad a big deal out of Bruce’s giant fish. <-- This steps out of your first person story. I would alter the sentence to: Everybody made a big deal our of my giant fish.


I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write about the one that got away...




What I liked most about this piece was the character of Brie. I see lots of potential in such a character.



Further Corrections & comments:

I think this sped by too quickly to grab at. I really didn't understand what she was thinking. Why did she two-time? It made me not like your character who had so much potential to be liked.

This feels, to me, like you have the bones of a story, but it needs filling out more. I hope that helps, but remember I am only one person with an opinion. You are the writer.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
21
21
Review of Imagine That  
Review by Shaara
Rated: E | (4.0)
Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write about the one that got away...




What I liked most about this piece was the relationship between the two of them. I especially liked the way the old gent thought about what to say.



Further Corrections & comments:

I didn't like the name you gave the youngster. You might want to reconsider that, unless you let us into the reason behind the name. I hope it wasn't his given name. LOL

I would move "you don't say" down to the second paragraph, surrounding it with, perhaps, a description of the boy -- how old is he? Or perhaps that is the place to explain the strange name, Silly?

This has lots of potential since you gave us some good peeks into the two characters. You can add more of that, as well as some background and descriptions as you edit this piece.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
22
22
Review of Away  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write about the one that got away...




What I liked most about this piece was the idea of writing about the love that got away. There's so much of that -- it's so very sad.



Further Corrections & comments:

Sometimes rhymers get caught up in worrying about the rhyming words. I prefer to see images. (Think about "the fog that walks on cat feet."

The first two stanzas were nice (especially #2!) but the third stanza just didn't do it for me. Sorry.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
23
23
Review of Deadly Charms  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (4.0)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write a short story or poem inspired by the following quotation:

"The brain may take advice, but not the heart."

Truman Capote





What I liked most about this piece was the consistency of your rhyming:



Further Corrections & comments:

You might want to work on the beat by counting the syllables in each line; clapping the rhythm, singing it, etc -




I am so glad I got to read this. You used the prompt well!

Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!





Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: E | (3.5)



Your Prompt was:

Today’s the last day of instruction at uni, so your prompt today is the last day of school.


What I liked most about this piece was that it is obvious you put your heart and soul in this piece.



Further Corrections & comments:

This would make a great story if you decide to develop characters: I could see to friends getting riled up over the issue. Maybe one of them joins the picket line while the other mopes on the side.

Since I am a retired teacher I probably did not have as much sympathy for your side as you might like, but you did raise a good point.




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review of Papa's Ranch  
Review by Shaara
In affiliation with The Writer's Cramp Judges ...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Writer's Cramp Review



Happy, happy morning!




Your Prompt was:

Write a story or poem about a city dweller visiting a Western ranch.




What I liked most about this piece was how you told the story; nicely done.



Further Corrections & comments:

Paragraphs would be nice.

Also, avoid the repetitions




I am so glad I got to read this. Thank you for entering the Writer's Cramp. I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!




Saturday Judge for the Writer's Cramp



Smiles,
S h a a r a



~~Image #1589184 Sharing Restricted~~


Please drop in to see my stories and poems. Or . . .

Go directly to

 
FOLDER
The Bluebird Stories  (ASR)
Stories about a witch world.
#1876841 by Shaara


for some of my witch tales, which I hope to one day turn into a novel.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2,313 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 93 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/shaara