I am reviewing your story as a judge for Quotation Inspiration (November 2019)
Thanks for entering!
Your Quote was: "You don't take a photograph, you make it." --Ansel Adams
What I liked most about this piece was that once you warmed up, you really took off. Great writing. I was a little unclear in places, but I think you really have something here. I hope you expand on this, let us see more of the back history than that one little dream. This is really intense.
I especially enjoyed those lovely phrases you gave us: His lips miming as though in silent prayer, for example.
Corrections & comments:
My heart hammers as I swing a glance at my principal, < A school principal? This made me backtrack and I still couldn't make sense of how a rally was taking place in a school. Okay, later the high school marching band is playing, so maybe the politician IS a principal. Now I'm even more confused.
I understand that principal could be used as a chief or head of something, so it probably isn't wrong, but I just thought I'd tell you what stopped me cold in my reading and continued to confuse me as you went along.
. . . a wife and daughter should give him pause, even if a loveless, political marriage. < This sentence feels incomplete. Did you mean: Having a wife and daughter should give him pause, even if it is only a loveless, political marriage.
I screw my face in disgust. Isn't it screw-up my face? Since there is also a pejorative meaning for this verb, you might want to choose another expression?
leaching tension from my shoulders. < I love this phrase!
while he fists a cigar< Also good.
"You thinking, El Patron?" Are you addressing El Patron here? If not, no comma.
I am so glad I got to read this. It really kept me wanting to read.
I hope you keep on writing and sharing your work!
This is an official review from one of the contest judges for
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