*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/slamalama
Review Requests: ON
10 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Slam
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hey Celloh, I like your introduction to your novel. It looks like a promising start for an up and coming novelist. I look forward to seeing the rest of this novel.

That being said, I did notice a couple technical mistakes.

"Shore city" -> I believe what you meant was "coastal city"

"But it had a one major flaw" -> You can't start a sentence with "but", it should be attached to the sentence before. Also, you used both "a" and "one".

"There was a river in the midst of the city" -> "Midst" is an odd choice here. "Middle" would be better. Midst usually used in an abstract context. When talking about the physical position of a river, "middle" is more fitting.

"it was called Middle Man because of how it flowed through the city" -> I think it's pretty obvious why it is called "Middle Man". Explaining it seems redundant.

"between the houses there was a dark alleyway because of the limited money the houses were made so that they were inches away from eachother."

This last one has quite a lot going on. First of all "between the houses there was a..." Which houses exactly? If there were alleys between every house in the city that wouldn't be confusing but it's clear that you are talking about a single alley in the rest of the sentence.

Another thing about that sentence is that it's actually multiple sentences formatted incorrectly. There's the first clause "there was an alleyway" and the second one "they were inches away from each other". These two are seperate so they should have a full stop between them.

So "Between two houses there was a dark alleyway. (...) They were inches away from each other."

You should also flip the second sentence so that it's an active. An active sentence is when the subject is emphasized and a passive sentence is when the object is emphasized. An example of an active sentence is "The workers built the house". The passive version of that sentence is "The house was built by workers."

So your second sentence should be "The houses were inches away from each other because of the limited amount of money they were made with." Notice that when you're talking about money spent on a building you should say "with" but you should say "of" when you're talking about the materials it was made with. Also, "eachother" should be seperated.

All together, that sentence should read:

"Between two houses there was a dark alleyway. The houses were inches away from each other because of the limited amount of money they were made with."

The next sentence, "There was a woman in this alleyway she had a terrified face and she was running."

This one can also be seperated into two sentences as there are two clauses in this one as well ("There was a woman" and "she was running"). However I think it would be a better idea if you simply rearranged it a bit.

For example, faces can't really be terrified. A person can be terrified and as a result they will look like a terrified person. So instead of "She had a terrified face" you can say "she looked terrified".

One of the clauses can be entirely eliminated as well. So instead of saying "she was in the alley and she was running" you can just say "She was running in the alley". So with these changes and a couple other tweaks this sentence can be made into something like;

"There was a terrified looking woman running through this alleyway."

"While she ran she was staggering". Again,this is an unnecessarily long sentence. It can also benefit from using a simple past tense rather than a past continuous.

So, a better revision of that same sentence should be "She staggered as she ran."

There should be a space after each full stop. You missed one after that sentence. "Staggering.Her"

"She was followed by some persons". Couple issues with this one. The plural of "person" is "people". Another issue is that you've used a simple past tense here when it should be a past continuous because she is in the process of being followed. So it should be "She was being followed by some people."

An optional change to the sentence would be to remove "by some people" because it's redundant. Obviously people are going to be following her, not cats or dogs.

The next sentence is a bit wonky.

"At first, 30 minutes ago, she noticed that a man with a robe and hood was following her."

This sentence should be a past perfect since it is something that had happened before the events that are happening in the past right now. (That's one hell of a sentence!). Also, you should use "thirty" and not 30. It makes it easier on the eyes. At first doesn't fit here since it is followed immediately by another indicator time. Also, "aman" should be seperated and "a robe and a hood" can be simplified into "a hooded robe".

With all of that in mind, the sentence should be;

"She had noticed a man in a hooded robe following her thirty minutes ago."

"She couldn't go to guards" -> need a "the" before guards.

You misspelled "house" as "hose". Two sentences after that one.

"She wanted to scream so that people in the street..." -> "that" is unnecessary here. You can remove it entirely.

"She couldn't move an inch it was either from fear or from the dark aura the man behind her was 'holding'."

Once again, this sentence has two clauses. "She couldn't move" and "It was from..."

They should be seperated with a full stop. Also, "from fear" doesn't fit here. "Can't move from fear" implies that you can't move from a place called "fear". It is unecessary and confusing.

All of that together, it should read:

"She couldn't move an inch. It was either fear or the dark aura the man behind her was 'holding'."

"She only could breathe." Should be "She could only breathe."

"She thought she could fly then she looked down, she was flying!" This sentence has three clauses and they can all be seperated with a simple full stop. "She though she could fly. Then she looked down. She was flying!"

"She flew to the man in robes, she knew he was a man from his shape." The comma here should be replaced with a full stop. Also, "posture" would be a better alternative to "shape".

"She followed him without her consent. And then she became unconscious." This sentence suffers from a reversed issue to the last few. It is seperated with a full stop when it shouldn't be. It has two clauses but these are attached with "and" so they shouldn't be seperated.

Also, this is just my personal opinion but I think "She followed him involuntarily would be shorter and easier to read.

One last thing. You should put an extra space between paragraphs so they're easier to tell apart.

That's all the technical issues I noticed at a first glance. There are quite a bit but keep in mind that they are just technical issues. The setting, the events and the descriptions are all great. Technical issues can be fixed. They're present here because you need more experience as a writer or English isn't your native language. With enough practice you can overcome these technical issues and become a great novelist. I'd recommend brushing up on your grammar with some online courses or by consulting your English teacher.

Great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review of Brothers  
Review by Slam
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it a lot! I only noticed that a the way you worded a couple things was a bit off-putting.

Like when you used "Okayyyee". Repeating letters is good for extending the pronunciation of words. The issue in this case is that "okay" and "okaye" would be pronounced the same way. The e's seem unnecessary.

Another thing was "Jan-ice". It confused me the first time I read it. I read it as "Jan ice" and not as a single word. Using italics to emphasize that the latter half of the name is different (Janice), would be a better idea. When you seperate words with hyphens it might make the reader go over it a couple times.

Other than that, it's a very pleasing story. It's relatable and charming. Great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review by Slam
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love your use of gobblefunk! The way you make up troll words is very similar to Roald Dahl's splendiferous words.

When other people try to write in slang it often comes off as very unnatural. You however, have done it perfectly. Giving the trolls an exaggerated british accent is a great idea, and you definitely pulled it off. Along with your british sounding gobblefunk, the dialogue is very pleasing to read.

I hope my tenteeth birthday is just as good as Bogwarts'. Great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by Slam
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hey Albert, what a great description of a storm at sea. The way you expressed the calamity of the waves and the effects it had on the character's body is very impressive.

I noticed a couple grammatical mistakes in your writing.

I think you meant "pier" when you wrote "peer".

"Mercy less" is supposed to be "merciless".

"Rigging" is already a plural noun by itself, you don't need to add an S to it.

I'm not entirely sure what you meant by "I prayed there were no more ships upon the sea than thee." I might just be misunderstanding the text but I think you might have had a typo trying to write "three".

There needs to be a space between the comma and the quotation mark right after "I heard a voice say".

"Did you lad" is a question so it needs to end with a question mark.

"Brutes" needs an apostrophe (Brute's).

"him and me" needs to be "him and I" gramatically, but it could be your literary decision to say "me" instead.

The full stop between "from the boat" and "into the churning waves" is unnecessary and it distrupts the flow of the sentence(s).

You missed an "e" with "met", it needs to be "meet the deck".

"blue" is misspelled as "bleu". Unless you intended to make it French.

One other thing, "capsizing" is already when a boat rolls over upside down, so "It threatened to roll over to capsize." is redundant. "It threatened to capsize" would be enough.


Other than these small technical issues, your writing is amazing from an artistic point of view. Great work!


P.S. You can edit your story by clicking on the gear icon on the top right!.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Slam
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice list. I experimented a little bit with these as well and made a few discoveries.

Sometimes you don't need to include the 0. ALT + 0123 has the same result as ALT + 123. Both are {.

Sometimes it makes a difference, 0215 is × but 215 is Î. The same as 0206. However, 206 is ╬ which does not even appear in this list.

The numbers before 123 also work, but they are just the letters of the alphabet.

There are a couple more after 0255 as well. Though interestingly 256 doesn't do anything and when I try to put 257 and 258 into this text box I'm redirected to the google homepage for some reason. They are both smiley faces but I can't display them here.

259 works though. It's a heart, ♥. Going further up the list shows that it is actually the suit Hearts as 260, 261 and 262 are ♦, ♣ and ♠ respectively.

The list goes beyond 300 but it repeats itself a lot. I think it might loop after a while but I haven't been able to determine when it resets.

It's an interesting feature that not a lot of people know about.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
6
6
Review of Gesundheit  
Review by Slam
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! What an ending! I certainly didn't expect that. It was a pleasant surprise.

One thing that bothered me is that the entire text is bold. Bold text is usually used for emphasis, and when the entire story is in bold it defeats the purpose. Not only that, but it also makes the text more difficult to read.

Another thing is that some dialogue lines end with a comma instead of a full stop. Like "Melanie Kamp, Mr. Smith's secretary," and "... There has to be something causing this s***,".

Other than that, I really enjoyed this story. It is fun and short, and I think everybody has wanted to bludgeon someone at work at some point! Great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Slam
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Rakitan, I am not very familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh and I don't consume fan-fiction in general but I'll give it my best shot to make this as fair and honest as possible.

Firstly, I like the way you write dialogue. The characters talk naturally and the conversation flows well. There are no large leaps in conversation and it's pleasurably formatted. As someone that struggles with writing dialogue, I am impressed at how you managed to keep seemingly normal, everyday conversations interesting.

My biggest issue with this story is that I simply don't find any of the characters likeable or relatable. Maybe it's because I'm monogamous or unfamiliar with Yu-Gi-Oh lore, but I simply couldn't make myself care about their interests and their wellbeing. Seko Kaiba, being antagonistic in nature, was the only one that seemed to act the way he should. Everybody else was uncharasterically rude at times and they felt like selfish people. I don't know if this was intended, but that is the impression I got from the way they were written and it made me enjoy the story less.

Another thing is that I feel like the characters' environment is ambiguous at times. It's not always clear where exactly they are and where they are positioned in relation to each other. I understand this story needs a lot of dialogue and is first and foremost about the characters, but I think it would be a bit better if you spent some time describing their environment.

The characters physical movements are well described and are not excessive. Some people over explain every little twitch a character does, but in your story the movements were clearly communicated and they actually added meaning to the scene. I especially liked how the intimacy between characters was non-verbally expressed through action.

Overall, I had a good time reading it. Even as someone who isn't familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh I enjoyed the writing. I think if you worked on developing the characters a bit more this would be an excellent story. Good work!


8
8
Review of The Boxing Match  
Review by Slam
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like it a lot. A lot of people overdo the action scenes in stories like this but you did it perfectly. Describing a boxing match is quite difficult and I like that you kept it simple.

I think this is a great way to deal with audition anxiety. Punch it in the face!

I hope you got the role with the audition! Great work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review by Slam
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it a lot! It's exactly the kind of thing I'd expect a wizard to have in a fridge. You've got a missing space between "Rodrick" and "finally" and you used the wrong "their" (needs to be "they're" in this case), and this is just my personal preference but I don't like it when the text is centered. It makes my eyes jump all over the place trying to read it. Very good writing and idea otherwise!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/slamalama