|This sounds like a really nice start to an awesome story. The idea behind this introduction sounds very fresh and unique, and I personally would be drawn to a story like this. I really think this story could be a gem once it is finally finished. Don't give up on this! It will probably take a long time for even just the first book to be near complete, but thats normal! And I definitely think this intro is on the right track for sure.
And as for a critique, there definitely is work to be done here. However, that does not mean it is bad. I would suggest that you read the draft out loud to yourself. By doing this, you will be able to hear what the sentence structure sounds like as a reader. Many of the sentences seem to be cut off, which makes them have no energy or forward motion. So basically, it makes the story sound choppy while you are reading it. This happens a lot when we as writers overthink what we are trying to say, rather than just allowing ourselves to wright freely.
Thank you for your story, and I hope to hear more of your work in the future!
Keep on writing!