and welcome to another Lucky review!
Please keep in mind that this review contains only my own impressions of your piece, and that some of them are even included only because other people have said the same kind of thing about my work With that grain of salt, I'd like to first mention...
...What I loved!
How terribly chilling! Once Jared asked to see the pictures I begin to realize how much worse his past was than he actually believed it was. Very nice plot twist!
My Overall Impressions
This was a great perspective piece, taking advantage of an unreliable narrator to tell a story which is revealed to be far more terrifying than the narrator percieves.
Grammar and Punctuation (Queue dramatic music, preferably something in a minor key.) No, but please don't be put off by any grammar issues I point out. This scary red section is pure rules and regs, and I don't like it any more than you do
"Oh, he had done some bad things and his judgement seem to be off many times."
That should be "seemed."
I might suggest reworking this sentence anyway, I've been told (often) to stay away from "seemed like" or "looked like." You can just as easily say "his judgment was off many times" and have the same effect on the reader. If I'm not explicitly talking about something that is not what it seems to be, I just delete those words altogether.
He wasn't a bad person, he just made bad decisions.
Try a semicolon or conjunction.
decisions. Why did they have to put him here in this dark, dank, lonely place.
Why would they worry about him, after all, he was in chains and there was no way for him to get out.
I would probably use a question mark
Suggestions for Improvement
I'll start with something I had and still have a lot of trouble with - wordiness! Sometimes it just sounds right to us as writers to add words we don't need. It can be from the way we talk, the way we imagine our character should talk, or because the flow of the language just feels better with the tone we're trying to create. I mentioned an instance above (in blue).
Here's an example in my own work.
"Tyler thought the green light seemed eerie."
It sounded fine to me because, the way I saw it, I was sharing Tyler's subjective impression of the light. First, these were only his thoughts. Second, I felt Tyler would be aware that the light itself wasn't eerie, but that it just seemed that way in the situation. The thing I learned is that you don't have to tell your reader all of that.
"The eerie green glow rolled through the cab like a fog."
The reader already knows that this story is being told from the perspective of my main character and that the light of a digital clock is only scary under certain conditions! I only have to describe them in those conditions, and the rest is understood. Back to your story:
"Everyone but him seemed to be tense. He thought that was funny. Why would they worry about him, after all, he was in chains and there was no way for him to get out."
Now watch how this same sentence looks if we eradicate some excess wordage:
"Everyone else was tense. Funny. Why would they worry about him? He was in chains with no way out."
Now, I still typically write in a lot of extra words. I'd say more than half of my editing is taking them out . Still, once you get the hang of taking out unnecessary language it becomes much easier to bring your characters to life.
This is a great story and I'd love to know more about the authoritarian tro. I imagine the doctor as a Tommy Lee Jones kinda guy.
Literary conventions more or less necessitate that I add some sort of conclusion here, so I leave you with this:
Stay Lucky, my friends.
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