My name is Stephen and I am reviewing for the Rising Stars.
I took a look around your port, love it, and it is this piece I have chosen to review and the reason is because I can see others have reviewed and given it only 3 and a half stars, and that makes me wonder, while they were giving you stars, did they also give you advice on how to fix your poem up to help make it stronger and get those 5 stars that are possible for this poem.
Why do I believe it is a possible 5 star poem, simply because it is quite powerful, you really are shouting out here, reaching out, filling this piece with a lot of emotion and I believe with a little tidying up, you can help this piece truly come alive and smack people in the face to take notice of your anguish in this poem. Let's see what we can do.
Now this is just my opinion and you may want to ignore me and say, hey, butt out and that is no problem haha but I believe in the potential.
I get you are using the form 'anaphora' with the word Please. Now I know the word please is the power word here, but I would tidy it up but omitting most of the pleases here, it will only make it stronger.
Please let my voice be heard,
stop making fun of me and hitting me.
Mother, protect me.
Father, please tell me you love me,
don't fight in front of me
See with a few changes how you can make this more direct, more horrific. Read it out loud, as loud as you can, and you will see that the word please can become very tiresome, then take out the word and read it aloud again, adding some full stops, you will see that each line will become much more powerful.
Everyone stop pressuring me to lose my virginity.
Teacher, don't give up on me.
Don't judge me for being gay
or for the color of my skin.
Stop making cruel comments on my body.
Stop me from cutting
from killing myself.
Take the drugs away from me
This is truly powerful stuff here and as you can see with a little tweaking you could truly bring this poem to life, and it would be an amazing poem to hear at a poetry reading.
I hope you do not mind me dissecting your poem, it is just my opinion, but i believe this poem has potential to be a 5 star, that I am going to give you anyway and hope you can take some of my advice with a pinch of salt.
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