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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/spatbyrne
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40 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
In affiliation with Rising Stars Member-to-Member ...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Caprice,

My name is Stephen and I am reviewing for the Rising Stars.

I took a look around your port, love it, and it is this piece I have chosen to review and the reason is because I can see others have reviewed and given it only 3 and a half stars, and that makes me wonder, while they were giving you stars, did they also give you advice on how to fix your poem up to help make it stronger and get those 5 stars that are possible for this poem.

Why do I believe it is a possible 5 star poem, simply because it is quite powerful, you really are shouting out here, reaching out, filling this piece with a lot of emotion and I believe with a little tidying up, you can help this piece truly come alive and smack people in the face to take notice of your anguish in this poem. Let's see what we can do.

Now this is just my opinion and you may want to ignore me and say, hey, butt out and that is no problem haha but I believe in the potential.

I get you are using the form 'anaphora' with the word Please. Now I know the word please is the power word here, but I would tidy it up but omitting most of the pleases here, it will only make it stronger.

Please let my voice be heard,
stop making fun of me and hitting me.
Mother, protect me.
Father, please tell me you love me,
don't fight in front of me

See with a few changes how you can make this more direct, more horrific. Read it out loud, as loud as you can, and you will see that the word please can become very tiresome, then take out the word and read it aloud again, adding some full stops, you will see that each line will become much more powerful.

Everyone stop pressuring me to lose my virginity.
Teacher, don't give up on me.
Don't judge me for being gay
or for the color of my skin.
Stop making cruel comments on my body.
Stop me from cutting
from killing myself.
Take the drugs away from me

This is truly powerful stuff here and as you can see with a little tweaking you could truly bring this poem to life, and it would be an amazing poem to hear at a poetry reading.

I hope you do not mind me dissecting your poem, it is just my opinion, but i believe this poem has potential to be a 5 star, that I am going to give you anyway and hope you can take some of my advice with a pinch of salt.

Takecare Caprice,

Stephen.
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Review of Highland Autumn  
In affiliation with Rising Stars Member-to-Member ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Poppy Moss,

My name is Stephen and I am reviewing for the Rising Stars.

I really like the images you have created in this piece. I can see the aerials and the mist covered mountains, can smell it. I love the last two lines, really feel the calmness. I have one suggestion, for sake of the flow I would like to take away the full stop after window and un-capatilize the next word 'near' just to keep a nice flow from the word 'fly' to 'sky'.

This of course my opinion but I feel it rolls better of the tongue. Anyway, I love this, great piece, I also took a look around your port and love it, some great stuff here.

Hope you have a great day,

Stephen.

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3
3
Review of He Shows Me  
In affiliation with Rising Stars Member-to-Member ...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Christina, hope your day is going well,

my name is Stephen and I am reviewing for The Rising Stars.

I love the repetition of "He Shows Me" as this to may has many voices and could be a lot of things from nature to a loved one, to faith, and is nicely done.
My only suggestion is in the last line, I don't think you need the words "so tight" as it interferes with the flow, and see and me can connect better, also, do you need the very last line, to me as the reader I do not think you need this, but these are only my opinions.

I think you did a wonderful job here and look forward to reading more from you.
Have a great day, Stephen.

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4
4
Review of Reunion  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi DarkHuntress (great name)

My names Stephen and I'm reviewing this piece for The Rising Stars and have to say it is a very intriguing piece of poetry. Reunion the title is what made me interested in this poem and I really loved reading it. The opening Line is excellent, really great start and the ending is a lovely touch. I was just wondering if you need the comma after "In the death, of shadows" just for the sake of the flow.

In all I love this and thank you for sharing, take care, Stephen.

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5
5
Review of Espial  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Ken,

Hope you are well. It has been a while since I have been here at writing.com, on and off and it has been a while since I read one of your pieces of poetry and it is great to relax again and get back in to the swing of things. Great to see you are still cracking out excellent pieces of poetry and again I love the imagery you have created here.

"Reflecting our passion as light from the moon" is a wonderful line. Loved this and good luck in Rivers competition, takecare, Stephen.
6
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Brittany, really love this piece. The images are beautiful, very well written. Well done and good luck in the competition, Stephen.
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7
Review of What to Write  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Mr Zaborskii , happy new year to you, hope a great one lies ahead. Just had a snoop about your port and liked what I read and really like this piece. I find myself singing along with it as there is great rhythm. We have all had writers block at some stage and you did well here to incorporate great humour into this poem.
Really like the first 2 lines. Thank you for a great read that kept me giggling, have a great new year, Stephen.
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Review of Chipped  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Hi Kalyani Rao, hope all is well. I would love to know where your name comes from, it's interesting. Anyway I've been looking around your port, at most of your stuff, and I've chosen to review this piece. I think a lot of you pieces are badly underrated. Like this piece, I've given you five for a couple of reasons. First, I really like the style, and the style of a lot of your pieces, a style I'm in to my self, sort of Pablo Neruda style, where your lines paint striking pictures, what real poetry should do in my opinion. "the dusty wind ties a trail of dead leaves" is a beautiful line. Each line has a great image and this for me was a pleasure to read. For someone new to writing you can only greatly improve as I totally enjoyed reading your work and hope to visit again. Keep on writing, thank you for sharing, take-care, Stephen.
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Review of Dreamers  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Hi Angie Harris. Hope your having a great day. "With starry eye's so big and bright, an optimistic heart will play" is a great way to start a poem and drew me in straight away. This is a nice piece, short and with great flow and rhythm. Though I'm not a fan of rhyming, I really like the rhyming here. "Spirited seekers of the skies" is another beautiful line. Good job here and thank you for sharing, Stephen.
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Review of Comfort  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hey Jon, hope your well. I see you've entered in this competition to, it's very popular, lots of love, or heartache out there ha. It' a nice competition though.
You've created good rhythm here is this 4 stanza piece. Your first 3 verses flow smoothly, but in the 4Th looses it a little. The line "as your head you lay" slows the rhythm, and the 3rd last line needs a little rewording maybe, but remember that's only in my view and opinion, I'm just one reader.
I like the idea of the poem, I can feel how the narrator is missing the love of his life, really nice. Well done Jon and good luck in the competition, Stephen.


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11
11
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Shane.

Good job here on this story. I'm glad your like myself and stay away from death and birth etc. and write something different, like gardening. This really flows smoothly on the tongue, not mechanical at all, as sometimes they come across as written by robots.
I wish I knew more about the garden, and this little piece is, funny in a way, but informative and interesting. Simple stories I love and this hit the spot, well done, keep writing and good luck in the competition, Stephen.

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Review of Revenge  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hi ken. I needed a laugh and stumbled across this piece in Willy's contest, and it totally did the job.

Your right, the title says it all. But it's not too harsh, I've read worse, I think its more clever than mean spirited. "She always liked her drinking but found no joy in sex." ha I feel for you here in this line and it's a great dig. And when you tell of your new love, very funny, but it's the last verse and especially the last line that kills me, very good.*Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* *Star* on my laugh-o-meter *Bigsmile* .
Thanks for sharing Ken, great read, Stephen.
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Review of My Four Words  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi River hope your well. I really like these 6 stanzas. The rhythm and flow is beautiful but the story, the poor lad, I feel terrible for him lol. I think you did a great job with this, really like line 9 'Your heart was rent in two ' very nice.Totally enjoyed the read, 6 nice smooth stanzas, well done and thank you for sharing, Stephen.
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Review of TIMELESS PRAYER  
In affiliation with Active SuperStars, 2006-2017  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Maria, My names Stephen and I was having a snoop in your port before I hit the hay and a Timeless Prayer caught my eye and sounded like it could prepare me for a nice sleep. I love this short piece. Its a nice form to write with and you say a lot with these simple words, really nice. Thank you for sharing and I hope you don.t mind if I have a snoop again sometime, love reading good poetry. Thanks, Stephen.
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