Great dark story! You set the mood in the cemetery very well. I liked the gate swinging open rather than squeaking, and how that was more frightening to the narrator. I didn’t guess the ending, didn’t see it coming, the fact that the narrator believed she was reincarnated. Great job.
My only suggestions are in the (picky) punctuation area. I don’t think that some of the semicolons fit. For example, I think I’m sure her grave lies to the left of the tree; neglected and isolated, just as she was in life. would be better with just a comma instead. There are other places where commas either are needed or not needed. To me,
the sentence structure interferes a little with the flow of the story.
I hope you find my suggestions useful. It’s really a great story told in a great voice.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Oh, how cute! (I'm sure you love that word about your writing. It's like a girly word, isn't it? )
Anyway, it's great. I kind of felt something was off with the "teacher said a dirty word" line, though. What I might do is add another line or two where the dad asks what word and the kid spells out s.e.x. -- or something like that. That's just my thought.
Otherwise, it's really very good. I laughed out loud at the last line. Was this a Dialogue 500 winner? Looks like it should be.
Great little story, phyduex. (I’m sure there is a great explanation for your handle. .) It’s not easy to tell a story in so few words. (I like the name of your folder, too – celery sticks, for those on a diet). Back to this story. I might change some of the punctuation, especially the semicolons. But I really only see the need for a little tweaking. Fitting character names. Great ending! I wasn’t expecting it.
Please write on!
PT
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Oh, what a funny In & Out, Robert! It’s a little hard to imagine surviving a restaurant quite that bad. But then again I do remember once when the sauce tasted like battery acid. The waiter offered to “cool it off” and my husband was scared that meant straining it through the cook’s filthy apron. Anyway, clever idea. I love the graphic and it looks like you’re pretty popular here.
Thanks for the laugh!
Write on!
PT
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What a great story, Wren. I love the attitude of the mother and the son (the grandfather in the story). It’s really inspiring.
It’s well written and I didn’t notice any glaring mistakes in grammar or spelling, or in punctuation.
I do have one suggestion about your first sentence. There may be just a little too much information in it. What I mean is I know you’re very busy, trying to move to a bigger house before the baby comes might be a little bit of an “information dump.” Instead you might just say ‘I know you’re busy trying to get moved’ or something like that here. Then later, when the grandson talks about how they need a bigger house you could add the part about the baby coming.
Just a thought. Thanks for sharing this great story. I really enjoyed reading it!
Write on.
PT
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Well written comedy piece, Wolfwalker. I like your style! For some reason I picked this line to laugh out loud at: Obviously these people didn’t know me that well, or they wouldn’t have had to wonder.
I didn’t notice any glaring mistakes or anything I would change. It’s an enjoyable read.
Thanks so much for sharing!
Hi, Georgina. This is very good. It's well written with some beautiful imagery like the lions where the snow "spirals around their heads, manes dusted with ice sugar." And you do a great job showing your mother, her frame of mind, snapping at your father, it being so unlike her. The line "Keep walking and don't look back" is so very telling.
I like the voice, although, to me, it seems to go back and forth a bit between adult and child telling the story. A ten year old might not describe the snow as "record snowstorm."
It's a great snapshot of a child's life-changing memory! I just wanted a tiny bit more of a hint at what happened after that.
Great, touching story. I know that painful empty nest feeling.
I like the way you used dialogue. Some of the paragraphs seem a little cumbersome, and it might help move the story along if you use more active verbs.
For example:
Within the hour, as we were driving through the Pocono Mountains, we made a stop at a convenience store in a small town before we reached the interstate highway. We had to stop -- my tissue supply was gone...
as we drove...we stopped...
Or even:
My tissues ran out before we got to the interstate. We stopped at a small convenience store...
I can imagine the emotion when coming back to the empty house. You might even move the part about 1985 to then or later in the story - make it a flash back and expand on it. You could describe what the brave little four year old looked like then.
It would contrast with this great sentence: I looked up towards the darkened kitchen. There, looming in the doorway was Jeff’s tall, muscular form! I could hardly believe what my weepy eyes were seeing!
I hope some of these suggestions are helpful to you, Donna.
Write on!
PT
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Thanks for sharing this great story. I really enjoyed reading it!