|Well, that was a story I couldn’t stop reading. I guess a part of it is reading something on here set in my own backyard, but that’s by the by. Your opening court-room scene and the final denouement between the two were both very well done. The final ending – condemning his brother as his brother had condemned him – was a little sad. No good guys? That’s how it seemed to me, although David did feel like he had been put upon a fair bit..
Now, WdC is about helping other writers, and I only review things I like, so, with that in mind:
* The questions in the court case were definitely leading the witness. David should have told the story in his words.
* The bit on the road, with the bike going incredibly fast, passing a Toyota that just happened to have his brother, so must have left earlier… it was all way too convenient. I think I would have had the Toyota come from the other direction, but it is still convenient, even considering Andrew’s obvious pre-planning.
* The closing phone call with his wife – if nothing had happened to David’s family, how did she know anything was wrong? And it made the Toyota being in the right place feel even more out of whack.
- The long sentence fragment starting “Heavy brown furniture…” either needs a verb, or needs to be a dependent clause of the previous sentence.
- twin brother does not need a hyphen
- “cracked pot” or “crack-pot”
- “Who’s there?”, not whose
- to make it stand out more, I’d make the words of the note italics
- he had all that time to check the finger, and didn’t? Doesn’t follow the way he has been portrayed.
That sounds negative, and I apologise, but this is a great story idea, and some well-written tension at the end really lifts it.
Good luck going forward