|An intriguing start to the story. It certainly grabs the attention and does, in fact, make the reader want to read more. I think the main thing I liked was that Jack’s only two bits of offence were simple and made sense – he pushed the lead officer and then used the emergency hammer to break the rear window. No histrionics, no wild karate kicks, just logical, simple things that grounds it in realism.
Now, WdC is about helping writers and I only review things I like, so with that in mind:
* “4 day's time” This does not make sense. 4 days’ (note where the apostrophe goes) time? From what? Now? Is this the future? Without context – and even if that context is given later – it stands out as an unhelpful way to start.
* “Jack had managed to look unsocial enough that no one had asked to occupy the chair next to him almost at the rear of the bus, meaning he was able to stretch his tall frame out a little to make himself a bit more comfortable.” Awkward sentence structure. How about: “Jack had managed to look unsocial enough that no one had asked to occupy the chair next to him. That and taking a seat almost at the rear of the bus meant he was able to stretch his tall frame out a little to make himself a bit more comfortable.” (Nice way of saying he is tall without just coming out and saying it.)
* “The fact that there was no scheduled stop, and the time of departure, was the reason…” sorry, pedantic, but “were the reasons” – you list two things.
* “funnelled between two German police cars. Uniformed, and heavily armed, German police officers stood next to the cars.” Try to avoid using the same dominant noun (or verb) twice so close to each other. How about: “funnelled between two German police cars. Beside each, uniformed, and heavily armed, stood the officers, ready for anything.”
* “Their illuminated by the roof lights…” Their what?
*You’ve given the officers the nicknames “Muscles” and “Moustache” – which I quite like, by the way – but as you have used this as a naming convention, you need to capitalise each.
* “Suddenly, as they approached a blonde female passenger in her early twenties, the women turned and pointed directly at him.” I don’t think you need “suddenly” and why “women” when only 1 was mentioned?
* “By this time a Jack had closed…” Don’t think “a” before Jack is necessary.
* “They fell to the floor, Moustache pinning Muscles to the floor of the bus...” replace “to the floor of the bus” (you’ve already mentioned floor and where else are they going to be pinned) with, if you want an adverb, “awkwardly”, otherwise just get rid of it as you have the overcoats explanation after.
* “…his cap that had become dislodged as he landed…” Already used dislodged. Try “knocked free”.
* You use the word “bus” a lot. We get it – he’s on a bus.
* Quite a few extraneous commas, and some commas used where semi-colons would have been a better choice.
Now this reads very negative, and I apologise, but the fact is this is a good opening, and with a few tweaks could be even tighter and draw the reader in even more.
Good luck going forward!