*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stevengepp/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13
Review Requests: ON
1,077 Public Reviews Given
1,104 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 9 10 11 12 -13- 14 15 16 17 18 ... Next
301
301
Review of Birthday Candles  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very nice story, building up and up. This worked really well as a flash fiction, with no extraneous explanation, adding to the creepiness of the piece.

Technically, I could find no errors. So, well done.

The only issue is the boy's response feels muted. At the end, when it's just him and he's singing to himself, that's good, but before then, it just feels like he's acepting it without anything telling him this was wrong. The horror of realisation could have amped the terror of the piece.

Still, good story.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
302
302
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Didn't see that ending coming. Nicely done.

You utilised the flash fiction format really well here. The introduction of the fear, the build-up of the fact that this is well-known, then the final denouement with the husband. The only issue I had was the husband's final action seemed to come out of nowhere, compared to how he was portrayed in the rest of the story. There were not even any hints that he was murderous, just that he was a little frustrated.

Technically, this was very clean, and you told a great tale in a small amount of words.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
303
303
Review of A Remote Chance  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting story. It read like one of the tales from the old EC comics or early Twilight Zone episodes.

Technically, this was great. No mistakes - a rarity at WdC, that's for sure! - and everything flowed nicely.

I think my only issues with the tale were that it lacked a sense of terror until the end, and when he used the remote deliberately, he jumped to the conclusion it operated the world very quickly. A man who liked to be in control and with the sort of arrangements of remotes he had I don't think would have leapt to such a conclusion so fast.

But that's about all I have a quibble with. This was a really strong story and a unique look at the "haunted" sub-genre.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
304
304
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting story. The idea of a painting coming to life and the dead getting rid of it, then coming back to reclaim it is an interesting one.

Technically, some lapses in punctuating sentence beginnings were all I saw. I won't call them errors because you knew what you were doing elsewhere; editing lapses is all.

I think the only thing that thhis storey lacked was a sense of terror. It felt a little muted in tone.

But there is still something unnerving about a painting coming to life like that.

Nice job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
305
305
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
An interesting poem, with a strong feeling throughout, one verging on anger. It is something that I am sure people in that situation could relate to.

Now, as a piece. Some mis-used words (line 5, "you"; line 9, "sit"; line 11, "fraze"; etc.) stand out, but the thing that drew me out of the poem were the reptitions. While I understand you want to emphasise the sentiment, the repetition makes it feel like it's just words at times, without the empathetic emotional sense a poem like this cries out for.

However, like I said, you have put forth a good poem that has something worth saying.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
306
306
Review of Billy's New Car  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
An interesting tale of AI anthropomorphisation. The familiar and lure of the old and comfortable put into words.

Technically, I didn't find anything wrong.

As for the story, my only issue is that we are told a lot about how Billy is feeling, whereas some of his actions felt muted, especially when he was in 'Sadie'. He has these memories, but they don't feel like they affect him. I think some more description of his physical sensations would help make Billy more fleshed out.

Oh, and the name 'Billy' to me feels like a child. But that's me.

Still, a very good story, and the dystopian sci-fi setting was worked well into it without over-riding and dominating the tale. Nice use of the genre.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
307
307
Review by s
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm not sure of this is a complete story or an outline. I'll take it as a story and go from there.

The idea behind it is interesting, and the humour is clearly aimed at a teenaged level, and I think the general story idea would interest people in that age group.

Now, technically, there are too many errors to go through. Punctuation is missing everywhere, especially in direct speech, and there are mis-used capital letters all over the place. this needs a huge amount of editing. However, the spelling was strong.

As to the story, it is all tell. There is no show. You just tell us the things that are happening. Use your show, your descriptions, etc. to engage the reader and heighten the humour. What you've done is taken the old joke "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side" and written it as "There's a chicken, there's a road. The chicken crosses it. It's on the other side." Use the language to heighten the humour.

Sorry to be harsh, but I do think there is something here worth working on, to make better and that could be fun for a specific age group.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
308
308
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a lovely little anecdote, and is the sort of thing that could easily find a home somewhere.

Technically, it was close to perfect. I could see nothing wrong.

The only thing it was lacking, i think, was more of your feelings and thoughts. Not just emotions, but physical sensations. I think this could intensify the way you were feeling and give the reader a true sense of where you were at the time you made the call.

I realise you said, "I do not have words to describe...", and for that section, that's fine, but let us know how you were before you made the call. Making a call like that can be seen as desperation - make us feel that emotion.

In my opinion.

Anyway, again, good little anecdote.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
309
309
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice little piece of flash fiction. Coming from a different perspective is always an interesting way to go about things.

Technically, there were a couple of minor issues – should be semi-colon before “nonetheless”, paws of “it”, not “its”, “abrupting” is not a word… little things. Oh, and for WdC, separating your paragraphs a little more clearly makes it easier to read.

The story itself is well-done, but there is no sense of terror or danger – you are telling us what is happening. Show is. You’ve anthropomorphised the yarn, so give us some feelings. It’s just lacking some of those details to take it to the next level.

But there is definitely something here worth working on.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
310
310
Review of The Doll  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Wow.

I have very little to say here. This was intensely written and quite harrowing. You captured the world well, and the sense of desperation and hope being lost was built up well.

My only very minor quibble would be to separate the sections a little more obviously. Apart from that, this was stunning.

One of the finest things I've read on WdC.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
311
311
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I do understand that we readers are not to assume autobiography in poetry, and so I will say you have captured the feeling of depression quite well in this poem. The imagery is stark - especially in the last stanza - and feels very honest.

Now, I look at poetry by reading it out loud, and because you are using the abcb rhyming scheme, it sort of leads to a certain rhythm. You do not have this. The syllable count is off. The first stanza is 5/7/8/6, which makes it awkward to read unless the rhyme means nothing. No 2 stanzas are the same.

You did not use any forced rhymes, which was good, but to maintain that sense I think look at the syllable count or ignore the rhyme scheme and let it flow more as a free verse poem.

The thing is, the ideas and the word pictures here are really good; it's the form that needs looking at.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
312
312
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
I know it is hard to write a story when constrained by the limits of a word count for a contest, challenge, etc.

That being said, the sudden jump in the Prince's attitude from wonder to wanting to punish jarred. There should have been suspicion from the word go, to build up. As it is, it made no sense in the context of the story. Some-one who had never had candy would find it way too sweet, even bitter, and that could easily have been the catalyst for his anger.

You need to watch you punctuation at times. "...For if it's like this," His hand held the candy cane high. "I shall make you head adviser!” should be "...For if it's like this" - his hand held the candy cane high - "I shall make you head adviser!” In that same passage, "his hand" could just as easily have been "he" without losing any meaning, and helped with your word count. There are a few other instances where you used extraneous words that could have been utilised better elsewhere.

Now, the opening description was really well done. You set the scene well, and the camel knowing where to go was a good choice (having a camel was excellent). This sort of descriptive world-building is hard to pull off so well in such a word count constraint.

All up, it was a decent little story, but that jarring 180-degree turn felt odd.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
313
313
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
A nice job here in putting forth the point of view of some-one who know they are in a toxic relationship and yet feels they cannot leave (or maybe do not want to leave - that lack of a definite works really well).

Now, when it comes to the poetic form, with the rhyme scheme you have used, the last 2 stanzas work really well. The rest have inconsistent syllable count and meter: 8/6/10/8 9/6/7/6 8/7/8/7 9/9/8/9 9/9/10/8. I read poems out loud to get a feel for them and the first three verses are awkward to say with a sense of rhythm, especially with the last 2 working.

Some word choices - sooth should be soothe (sooth means truth, e.g. forsooth!) and full on pride should be full of pride. Capturer is an archaic word and feels awkward. However, none of the rhymes feel forced, which is a good positive.

So, all up, a strong idea decently executed that with a little tweaking, I think could be a really strong poem.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
314
314
Review of WITHOUT YOU  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
An interesting poetical form here, one that works in this case and puts forward a dichotomy rather well. The concept works rather well.

However, there are a few forced rhymes, where the rhyme was more important than the meaning. In ost cases, the two ideas of without/with are rleated, buty sometimes to fit the rhyme you have established, it falls a little flat. e.g.:
WITHOUT YOU,
I'm done for.
WITH YOU,
Never a war.
The two ideas don't match as well as, say:
WITHOUT YOU,
I'm outrageous.
WITH YOU,
I'm courageous.
where the two ideas mesh well.

So, yes, I liked this. Well done. And good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
315
315
Review of The Pier  
Review by s
Rated: E | (2.0)
This was very hard to read.

The lack of paragraphing, lack of punctuation, inconsistent tenses buried the meaning.

As it was, I did not get the sense of a story, but of a vignette, just something that happened. There was a lot of discussion between two characters and then some-one arrived out of the blue and that was it. There were no antagonising events. If you were supplying a vignette or character study, fine, and I apologise.

I did get an idea of the two characters being tense with one another, and discussing things in a way that felt natural. You have an ear for dialogue sounding natural without being filled with info dumps.

But the lack of technical aspects of writing here made this very difficult.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
316
316
Review by s
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
It's taken me a while to review this, and I apologise.

Your descriptions are vivid and paint a nice word picture. There is also a sweetness about the relationhip betwen grandmother and Johnny that comes through in the work. You have shown us very well that there is a deep connection there.

A couple of things, though.

* The way direct speech is portrayed is inconsistent throughout the work, sometimes with quitation marks, sometimes the dash method.
* Some sentences are awkward. "She had planted morning-glories..." for example feels like two sentences pushed together.
* It felt more like a vignette than a short story, as it described an occurrence. There is nothing wrong with that, but it did feel like it was setting up for a short story that never came.

The problem is, I feel like I am being too negative with a piece of work that is well-written in general and has some really strong show (not tell) elements to it. And, yes, I can see it coming from a younger POV.

Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
317
317
for entry "~ Taking Daddy Home ~" 
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a very cool anecdote about looking for the right place. You managed to keep a good sense of purpose and tone throughout and the writing was so very clean.

I would have one thing I would recommend. There are a few times where you repeat the same information. e.g. "I noticed a tree in the center of a traffic circle. The traffic circle had been there as long as my dad had been there. It was likely to stay there forever. And I could see the tree in the aerial shot." Seeing the tree is mentioned twice. These little extraneous words could be tightened, which would make it a great slice of life.

But this is really nicely done. Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
318
318
Review of One Too Many...  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love it!

The humnour is so good and the subtleties running through the identity of the last remaining child in the "suit" is so very good.

The rhyming scheme and rhythm work really well, and saying it out loud was easy.

Great poem! Thanks for sharing!

(Penguins infiltrating our world... evil...)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
319
319
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice, brief take on the Freaky Friday scenario of body swapping and learning that life in some-one else's shoes might look rosy, but there are always 2 sides to every story.

Your description of Marlene's life being looked at by an outsider who is now inside was quite insightful, and the home life encountered felt uncomfortably real. After all, the authorities rarely believe such good, upper class people do things like that.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC, so with that in mind:
* You don't need "[Introduction]" and "Days Later". In a short story, these sorts of headings are not useful. The first is not needed and the second can more easily be shown.
* There are quite a few punctuation errors, especially around direct speech. This needs a really thorough edit.
* The time period for Lily understanding Marlene feels right, but not the other way around. Her whole attitude when she abuses Lily at school tells me she would not care if she found out Lily had no father, especially with the abuse she is suffering at the hands of her mother. There needs to be something more there.
* While I do not think present tense works for this tale, even in that, you occasionally move into past tense. Again, a good edit will clean this up.
* The ending is too neat. Marlene's friends and reputation and past actions at school are still there. This is too clean and tidy for everything you've set up.

This seems negative, but there is a strong emotion at the core of the story. You allow the reader to have empathy with Lily, and show us really well what her home life is like with two adoring younger brothers. We can see what she is going through and get a sense of her confusion at this new life. Her admission that she might not want this all the time is an interesting one, giving us an even larger hint of her introversion.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
320
320
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
These are the things that came to me as I read it.

The opening line ”John is…” does not fit. I would start with, “Jesus, this your beloved, John, son of Zebedee. I have not taken time to speak with you and I beg your forgiveness…” or something like that.
Lower case “I” in “It” after comma.
As an old man John write the Revelation of St John, living in exile on an island with just a young boy servant his only contact with the outside world. No-one would be allowed to ask him about anything.
The repetition of him longing for Jesus’ return is overdone. A few times, but it is taken too far and takes the reader out of the story.
Three paragraphs starting “I remember…” in a row is also a distraction to a reader.
The betrayal comes out of chronological order.
Referring to the leaders as “Jewish leaders” is not a phrase John would have used because he was very much Jewish and all considered Jesus Jewish as well (except Saul/Paul).
Good pick up with Thomas doubting – this is only mentioned in John, not the other 3 Gospels. That meant it had relevance for John.
John’s Gospel was almost rejected because it is so different to the other 3, but as he was the only one of the 12 to have written the events down not long after they happened, his Gospel was kept (where many others were rejected). It is also salient to remember Saul/Paul tried to have the Johannine interpretation of Jesus and his message shut down, but he failed.

So, that’s where I stand with the way it reads to me.

As far as the technicalities of writing, I mentioned a few places where you echoed the same words, but there are more. I think you need to be careful of that “word echo” in the way it is written. The rest of it was very clean, well-written and requires little in the way of editing.

You have an overall tone of depression throughout, which is to be expected, but I think there are times when a little more joy could be injected. The man from Capernaum, Lazarus, even the baptism by John – all of these could be a little more happy in the tone in which they are written, or maybe more wonder-filled. At the moment you just recall what happened. How did John feel? Why did he feel like that? What was going through his mind? What did it make him believe, considering he was a devout Jew?

So, overall, it is a good piece, I just feel in some areas it could be tightened up a little.

Good luck with it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
321
321
Review of An Odd Duck  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well... this was a really good piece of flash fiction with an ending I did not see coming.

Technically, there was nothing I could see out of place - quite the rarity here at WdC - and you managed to build up a degree of intrigue as the story progressed.

But that ending - perfect for a story like this.

If this was written for a contest, good luck. This is really strong.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
322
322
Review of The Price of Fame  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Three very good limericcks. You'vve stuck to the conventions of the limerick, not only in rhyme, but rhythm and the way they are suposed to end with a twist. With poetry I read it out loud and I only stumbled on one line:
He tired of the snow
I'm not sure what it was, but it just drew me out of the rhythm. I think it was the very long vowel sound at the beginning and the three long vowel sounds throughout.

However, really well done, and good luck in the contest!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
323
323
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
The idea behind this story is a really strong one and the ending is just right, playing poker. The money bit after deciding to play poker did feel tacked-on, to be honest (I would have ended with him waking up in his own body again), but the story of waking up in another's body, no explanation given (I like that aspect a lot; we do not need explanations all the time in horror!), and the person you're with basically saying, "Not again," is a good story beat.

You have generated two good characters as well that sound and feel different from one another, and match the roles they are playing.

However, there are many, many issues with punctuation, and even word choice. In the very first line you had louse - a small creature (plural, lice) - instead of lousy, for example. Missing, misused and confused punctuation did make it a hard read at times, and I had to go back to get the meaning often. This needs a very thorough functional edit to match the story-telling at its core.

So, story is really strong, but technicalities need work.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
324
324
Review of Redacted Run  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I like what you've done here. The idea of a redaction poem is to change the meaning and tone of the original work, and you have most certainly done that. I am not a big fan of the original song, but your poem improves it. My only complaint is that it did feel a little brief and that one-line stanza stood out rhythmically. I like the rhythm you put into the rest of the work, though, and I liked the choices you made. Also, thank-you for supplying the full redaction.

So, yes, a really good piece. Thanks for sharing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
325
325
Review of The Underdog  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a really strong poem. The syllable rhythm and rhymes flow easily. I like to read poems out loud to get a handle on them, and this one was easy. The only verse I stumbled over was "I’ve always been the underdog/in everything I do..." but that was it.

This was a fun poem, and something I am sure many people can agree with or relate to.

Not much more to say - this is the style of poetry I prefer and you have hit the nail right on the head.

Well done, and good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
534 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 22 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stevengepp/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13