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Review Requests: ON
1,098 Public Reviews Given
1,126 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Minimalist. Focus on technical. I also look at how a work would fit into the traditional publishing landscape. I don't use a template. Warning: I am Australian, and so cultural differences may apply.
Favorite Genres
Most, really.
Least Favorite Genres
Fan-fiction
Favorite Item Types
Short stories and essays.
I will not review...
I will not review porn, fan-fiction or pro-religious/OTT-pro-USA essays. No interactives either, please.
Public Reviews
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376
376
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I liked the constant change in poem styles, and the story told over the course of the week through these differing styles and techniques. This would have been quite the challenge and you've come up to meet it really well.

I think you nailed the poetry styles well. There were a couple of issues with syllable count (particularly in the sonnet), some rhymes felt forced (last line of the acrostic, for example) and some lines were awkward with strange stresses (e.g. the sister talk between wed and Thu), but these are minor quibbles in what was a very entertaining long form.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
377
377
Review of Failed Experiment  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting story, that made me smile. I do like the last line as well - I can see that.

Technically, there are a couple of missing commas, and the two scenes need a separator (it took me a second read to get that we had changed), but otherwise it was very clean.

I do know that flash fiction limits the word count, and I was going to suggest this could be the basis for a longer story, but the more I read it, I think you could actually reduce Buddy's speech a little, and turn the open scene with George into just a part of the conversation, leaving the dog revelation even later, and so make it even punchier. Of course, that's just my opinion.

It was still a good story. Enjoyed it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
378
378
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, I did not see the ending coming. You got me. Nicely done.

This is going to be brief, because the story's structure was spot on, spelling was on point and it flowed well from incident to incident, with no real info dumps out of context.

So... yeah, you knew there'd be a so...

Three things:
1) There are a heap of punctuation errors, especially missing quotation marks, misused commas, etc. Needs a thorough edit.
2) There were quite a few incidents of the words people saying not sounding like words real people would say. Yeah, the conversation did not feel natural.
3) And, this last one is picky - I'd put separation markers between sections, not just an extra line. Three asterisks centred is the norm.

But, these are small and do not take away from what is an intriguing tale.

Really good story. Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
379
379
Review of The Visitor  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting story. The idea behind it is sound, and technically, there might have been a few mistakes, but it was generally very clean. That is all too rare here on WdC!

Now, I only review things I like, and WdC is about helping writers, so with that in mind, I have one major suggestion:

I know this is constrained by the limits of the flash fiction setting, but there were quite a few times when you told us what was happening rather than showed us. What this did was have the effect of decreasing the tension of what could have been a taut story. The rock's first appearance as not a rock it was just there. A gradual realisation could have upped the horror inherent in just such a scenario. And the near-attacks on the baby could also have been amped up. It is just a story at the moment; it could become a nice horror tale with some tweaks to how it is written. It lacks atmosphere.

One other thing which is just personal - you call the child a drool monster when there is a real monster in the story; it feels very mean-spirited. Drool-machine might have been better.

Anyway, that's just my opinion.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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380
Review of Richard  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay. This is a standard romance story, and I could see how it was going to end early on. However, what kept me reading was the way you dropped in the bits if the past, the way you didn't just do one great big exposition or info dump, but drip-fed the information and showed a lot of what she was feeling. You took what could have been mundane and made it into something quite interesting and something that actually brought a smile to my face.

Now, having said that, WdC is about helping writers and I only review works I like, so with that in mind:
* Technically, there are quite a few misused commas and direct speech really needs to be looked at. And there were quite a few verb tense issues.
* While you did do a good job of showing, there were still a few places where you "told" instead. Not many, and often little phrases ("I thought of my mother then.") but they stand out when compared to the rest of the story.
* Your dialogue sounds stilted. A lot of the time it was not how real people talk.
* Some bits felt just added (e.g. the description of the dress). They don't add anything to the story and feel like word count additions. In the case of the dress, I would have maybe said something along the lines of it being like what she used to wear when she had been with Richard before, add importance to it.

On a personal level, I think I would have drawn her response to him out a little more, throw in internal doubts, thinking about her kids, his son, but keep adding the old times in as a counter-point. Her acceptance felt too abrupt. I think I would have added something about being a touch disappointed at the text message of asking about marriage, but being able to understand why.

Now, I think this story has some very real possibilities to become something quite wonderful and uplifting. It is too rare to read romance tales centred around those in the middle ages of life, so I have to say that is a huge positive as well.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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381
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An intriguing start to the story. It certainly grabs the attention and does, in fact, make the reader want to read more. I think the main thing I liked was that Jack’s only two bits of offence were simple and made sense – he pushed the lead officer and then used the emergency hammer to break the rear window. No histrionics, no wild karate kicks, just logical, simple things that grounds it in realism.

Now, WdC is about helping writers and I only review things I like, so with that in mind:

* “4 day's time” This does not make sense. 4 days’ (note where the apostrophe goes) time? From what? Now? Is this the future? Without context – and even if that context is given later – it stands out as an unhelpful way to start.

* “Jack had managed to look unsocial enough that no one had asked to occupy the chair next to him almost at the rear of the bus, meaning he was able to stretch his tall frame out a little to make himself a bit more comfortable.” Awkward sentence structure. How about: “Jack had managed to look unsocial enough that no one had asked to occupy the chair next to him. That and taking a seat almost at the rear of the bus meant he was able to stretch his tall frame out a little to make himself a bit more comfortable.” (Nice way of saying he is tall without just coming out and saying it.)

* “The fact that there was no scheduled stop, and the time of departure, was the reason…” sorry, pedantic, but “were the reasons” – you list two things.

* “funnelled between two German police cars. Uniformed, and heavily armed, German police officers stood next to the cars.” Try to avoid using the same dominant noun (or verb) twice so close to each other. How about: “funnelled between two German police cars. Beside each, uniformed, and heavily armed, stood the officers, ready for anything.”

* “Their illuminated by the roof lights…” Their what?

*You’ve given the officers the nicknames “Muscles” and “Moustache” – which I quite like, by the way – but as you have used this as a naming convention, you need to capitalise each.

* “Suddenly, as they approached a blonde female passenger in her early twenties, the women turned and pointed directly at him.” I don’t think you need “suddenly” and why “women” when only 1 was mentioned?

* “By this time a Jack had closed…” Don’t think “a” before Jack is necessary.

* “They fell to the floor, Moustache pinning Muscles to the floor of the bus...” replace “to the floor of the bus” (you’ve already mentioned floor and where else are they going to be pinned) with, if you want an adverb, “awkwardly”, otherwise just get rid of it as you have the overcoats explanation after.

* “…his cap that had become dislodged as he landed…” Already used dislodged. Try “knocked free”.

* You use the word “bus” a lot. We get it – he’s on a bus.

* Quite a few extraneous commas, and some commas used where semi-colons would have been a better choice.

Now this reads very negative, and I apologise, but the fact is this is a good opening, and with a few tweaks could be even tighter and draw the reader in even more.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
382
382
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very little to say, really.

This is so nicely set up, without overusing descriptions, and then the denouement actually makes sense. Even though I am guessing by the word count it was constricted by a Flash Fiction length, it did not need to be much longer.

Technically I saw nothing wrong and the story was really well done. When I was an editor, I would have accepted this "as is".

Excellent work. Loved it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
383
383
Review of The Favor  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this little story. Very different. Something that a number of flash fiction publishers would be interested in.

Now, WdC is about helping writers and I only review things I like, so...

The section from I laughed as I... through to ...see if it's in." was a little confused. (I did like It was the maid's year off. though. Very cool.) The one sequel coming up comment and then going out... who was supposed to be saying that? It felt like Siobhan should have been talking but it was in the fae's paragraph...

Technically, this was so very clean (spelling, grammar, punctuation), and story-wise it was well done. Just that one bit in the middle.

So, excellent work.

Good luck going forth.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
384
384
Review of homelessness  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
It is good to read some-one attempting to engage such a huge issue as homelessness in a constructive essay. Your technicalities of essay construction are strong, with very good paragraphing, a strong conclusion and a defined introduction.

Now, WdC is about helping authors and I only review things I like, so in that vein:

*Why the word 'introduction' at the top?
*There were many issues with capital letters, verb-noun matches, and some other actual writing technicalities (sentence fragments, etc.).
*The way it is written, you have pandemic as a mental issue (para 3). An Oxford comma would solve this issue.
*Beware of generalisations; e.g. somewhere like Australia, the reasons beyond affordable housing are slightly different. And watch your facts. You state that half a million people were homeless one night, then say millions of people.
*As an essay, you need to define homelessness. It is not just people living on the streets or in shelters; homelessness has many forms. Essays need these definitions to ensure the reader knows what you are addressing. This is also very USA-centric. You should actually put USA in the title.

Now, this seems very negative, and I apologise. My intention is not to make you feel that you have not done a good job, because you have. The thing is, I can see the potential for this being quite a stunning essay.

So, good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
385
385
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting.

What it feels like here is the sketch or outline for an essay. You have a good structure, ready to go, but are lacking some details.

Now, before I start, I only review things I like here at WdC, so...

*Opening paragraph is fine, but the bit about reincarnation feels tacked on. It should be more focused in the body pf the para.
*Including your own viewpoint is well-done.
*"Most of us..." indicates a majority are believers; this is not necessarily the case. But the idea that doing good deeds because of reward after death is a good one. You could expand a little here.
*"I've heard from..." - get rid of the word "from". But from here, the three paragraphs that follow would all make one good one combined.
*"I despise..." is a good reference to yourself, but the closing sentiment of burning in hell/ant reincarnation makes the essay feel trite.
*"...so don't waste your time on this essay." is again unnecessary. In fact, this whole thing about changing people's minds does not fit in with the rest of the essay.
*Conclusion - summarise your points (people only do good to get rewards, that it is not based on evidence), and add why it is not necessary (man is a social animal and does not need rewards to do good).
*None of the quotes add anything to the essay.
*What about the atheist viewpoint of doing good and immortality? Like I mentioned, man is a social animal, so doing good makes living with people much easier and is mutually beneficial. The explanation of atheist immortality is complex, but worth it. (Yes, I am an atheist.)

Now, this seems to be incredibly negative, and I apologise, but I think this has the basis of being something very good indeed.

Good luck going forth!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
386
386
Review of Transformation  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting story! A transformation into a fish - very much like Metamorphosis by Kafka - done just because. And then an ending I like. I also like the fact you did not explain why it happened. Too many writers feel like everything needs a reason - this didn't need it.

Now, WdC is about helping writers and I only review things I like, so in that vein:
* While I am not sure of your word count restrictions, I think personally I would have added lots more little subtle hints as to what was happening - especially feeling thirsty? - physically and mentally.
* The biggest issue I had was your verb tenses were inconsistent. It kept drifting into present tense when it was dominantly past. Now, personally, considering the MC dies at the end, I would have made the whole thing present tense (which I normally would not recommend) and present it as a stream of consciousness, thoughts as they occur tale.

But, still, really strong story. Nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
387
387
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
After the last two chapters, this felt very out of place. Yes, it explains the hole in the chest in the ghost, but there was something about this that felt tacked on.

I think it could do with a better introduction. Maybe have Angie remember it, not just use it as an extended flashback. Sorry. It almost drew me out. And then ending was just repeating what we already knew -even after death. There was also a bit of tell instead of show. I think there could have been a much greater build-up to the heart reveal.

I did like the way they explained to friends it was a pig's heart, and yet the implication is it was a form of reality between them. That was a strong positive; not sure if I am reading it right, but after chapter 2, that is how it comes across to me.

Again, a few punctuation errors.

Sorry...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
388
388
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well... that got interesting.

The thoughts of Angie were very life-like, as were her responses to the death. Again, that natural feel. And then the end of the chapter, which I was not expecting at all. I was waiting for a slow build-up, but - bang! - there it was. I am not complaining; it is quite good that this plays with expectations.

Not as many punctuation errors this time. but there was a bit of tell instead of show. The transition from funeral to house could have been a place where slow build could have occurred - it was just there, and then Thomas.

However, I am still going.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
389
389
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting tale. Did see the end coming, but that's okay because you delivered it well. Being Australian, it piqued my interest in that regard as well.

Now, I only review things I like and as WdC is about helping writers:
* Some pluperfect tenses were missing.
* "I nice..." should be "A nice..."
* You don't see many tarantulas. They stay hidden.
* An Outback tour to Uluru (never Ayers Rock) from Sydney? It'd take 3 days to get there. You'd either fly to Alice Springs and then drive from there or to Adelaide, and then a small plane to the resort.
* You aren't allowed to leave a touring party. The rock is freakin' huge!
* Huntsmen aren't that poisonous and they really are fine to have crawl over you. The Australian Tarantula, now that's nasty!
* The section from "He turned in a circle..." felt like it went by too quickly. Build up more tension, more terror in Ethan. We want to know what's going on in his head. All we get are physical reactions. Build it up, make us as scared as he is.

Okay, a lot of this was nit-picking over facts. But if I said it took me a day to drive from New York to the Grand Canyon, that would be wrong.
However, as a tale of terror, use your language better. You clearly have a great grasp of the technicalities - it is one of the cleanest edited works I have seen here in a while - and you have a strong vocabulary for this sort of writing. Extend the end. Make us feel what he feels. This could be truly horrifying.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
390
390
Review of The well  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I liked this! It tells a story in a great rhyming style, with a really good scansion (not enough rhyming poems here at WdC have good and consistent syllable counts) and a nice rhythm when spoken aloud. And no forced rhymes! (Which is what gets my own poetry...)

Now, there are a couple of things (sorry).
* "spilling ore that" should be "spilling o'er that"
* "The floodwaters have brought it in it's torrent on this day." is awkward. Maybe end with "...in; it's teeming on this day." That gives punctuation that makes sense and adds a verb that is needed.
* "...straight into the spit." is a little vague. I get it means the fires of Hell, but...
* The last two lines felt a little out of place. Yes, it gives closure, but ti just didn't feel like it fit to me.

Of course, these are just one person's opinions. Overall - great poem!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
391
391
Review of That's a Wrap  
Review by s
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is an intriguing little tale. Nice use of the Egyptian Book of the Dead mythology, and the concepts of the era.

Now, WdC is about helping authors, and I only review things I like, so with that in mind:
* check your punctuation. There's not much out of place, but it does affect meaning in at least one case.
* "glistering" - should that be "glistening"? And I'm not sure if you've been in a sandy wind - it doesn't glisten, no matter where the sun is.
* I don't know if you had a word count limit, but finding Luke bound, the priests being described as "undead", and "I fought against" is all tell instead of show. To increase the tension in a tale of horror/terror, the show is important so the reader gets a feel for the fear, especially in a 1st person POV story. As it is, the last line could be very effective if the sense of dread had been built more slowly beforehand.
* the use of the word "something" twice in a row sticks out. Change the second. Again, draw it out.

Now, this sounds negative, and I apologise, but there is definitely a good story here, most of the editing is clean and you know your mythology. It could well become a great puece.

Good luck going forth.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
392
392
Review of Tales to Tell  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great concept and well delivered.
Technically this was great.
Story-wise, I have read similar but not in dialogue-only.

Now, I would suggest this - the two voices sound very similar. The Grey Ghost comes from a different era; there should be a distinct difference between their voices - language, idioms, frames of knowledge, slang terms, terms of address, etc. Yes, this will make the dialogue even more obvious as to who is speaking, but it will also differentiate the characters more.

Apart from that, nicely done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
393
393
Review of Alphabet Soup  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An entertaining alphabet poem, and quite timely. But I suppose that's the point...

Two little things, though:
1) I read poetry out loud. A rhyming poem needs a good rhythm in order to give it that sound, especially one like this that relies on the rhymes so heavily. The syllable count is inconsistent. It makes it awkward to read at times.
2) A couple of forced rhymes - W/X and Y/Z really stuck out.

Apart from that, I enjoyed this piece. Nicely done.

Good luck going forth.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
394
394
Review of Muppet Madness  
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Yes, one of life's great imponderable mysteries - would would happen if...?

Done quite well with a 8-6-8-6 syllable count and abcb rhyming scheme.

Just a few things (because critics gotta critic). The opening stanza does not quite fit the syllable count, and it does feel odd reading it out loud. There are also a couple of forced rhymes (cute-mute, looks-books) which does make for some awkward sounding lines to fit the rhyming words.

But this was, in general, a great poem that brought a smile to this old curmudgeon's face. Nicely done.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
395
395
Review of NSA Recruit  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting little piece of flash. The intricacies of code deciphering are explained quite well, and fit into the story nicely, with the addition of the countdown to having to get it done, so it does not feel bogged down in detail.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like, and WdC is about helping authors, so:
* A quick explanation of why the 1900 would go at the end would clarify what feels like a random thing.
* There is a fair bit of punctuation that needs work, especially with direct speech. A good functional edit is needed.
* For ease of reading, the block of numbers could possibly be formatted a little different, maybe with spaces every 7 digits or so? Just a suggestion. While it's probably not the way it is done in real life, a reader might be turned off.

That punctuation thing is something you will need to work on. Sorry, but that's the way it is.

Anyway, I did enjoy the story.

Good luck going forward!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
396
396
Review of The Party  
Review by s
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Unfortunately, I can say - been there, done that. Mate's place, he was grounded for a month. I helped with the clean-up. Terrible. The smell of vomit would not leave the study for months.

You captured the essence of the out-of-control party very well. Nice start, then flow-back, then escalation.

Now, I only review things at WdC I like, and in the vein of helping authors:
* You said at the start twelve hours to go, then had the police come at 11, so you need to confirm times.
* The punctuation of direct speech needs a lot of work. An editor looking at that will send it back and tell you to make the corrections.
* There are a few other punctuation issues as well, particularly lack of hyphens.
* Mum's name is not necessary.
* The dog came out of nowhere. Add it into the previous narrative - being scared, having drinks spilt on it, gorging on dropped food, whatever - a couple of times to establish it is there.

That seems negative, but a lot of it is technical. The words used, the way the story was told, all of that is really good and amounts to a decent tale of being a kid.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
397
397
Review by s
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very good romantic poem. It sets a mood of being unsure before letting yourself go. It has a feeling of surrender to freedom about it as well.

A couple of little things. Now, I read poems out loud to get a better feel for poetry, so that's where some of this comes from.

In the opening stanza, "water" and "underwater" feel wrong being close together. It does not sound right.
Likewise, the repeat of "battle wounds" to "scars from battles" feels out of kilter. I would change the second "battles" to something else, maybe "the past"?
The word "romantic" in the final stanza feels also out of place. It does not quite fit with the tone or language of the rest of the poem.

Of course, my opinion. That's all.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
398
398
Review of Tanka: Fuel  
Review by s
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice work. The syllable count is spot on, and the idea behind the poem is a good one.

Two things, though, did stand out.

First, "who had used..." cars are whats, not whos. "Which" could be a better choice.

The line "our lives combust the future", though I get what you're saying, feels quite awkward. It just didn't quite get the meaning across. However, in the 7 line restriction, and with the fuel motif, I can't really think of a decent replacement off the top of my head. Sorry.

Good luck going forward.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
399
399
Review of A Christmas Bribe  
Review by s
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice little tale. I liked the bribe aspect to get a first performance - it was how it worked for me, to be honest - and the father's advice was quite good, to focus on him.

Now, I only review things I like here at WdC and WdC is about helping writers, so with that in mind:
* The dialogue felt unnatural, especially from Devin. It does take the reader out somewhat.
* "A young years of five..." is a very clumsy phrase.
* The constant mention of church play, especially in the opening para, belabours the point a bit too much.
* A few missing pieces of punctuation throughout.
* The ending felt way too convenient. I think, though, it could work if you use it as a framing device. Make this an anecdote told by the character of Devin to some interviewer when he is already a famous whatever, describing his start. That way it would not seem quite so unrealistic.

Sorry if this sounds too negative, but I do think there is the basis here for something really strong.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
400
400
Review of "How are you?"  
Review by s
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked this... and can relate.

Look, there is nothing I can say. No forced rhymes, the rhythm/syllable count is spot on, reading it out loud, it rolls off the tongue in a good, sing-song way - one of the best examples of a rhyming poem I;ve read here on WdC. Well done.

May I recommend you look up the Wergle Flomp humour poetry contest for next year? It's free to enter and is world-wide. Judging by previous winners, I think you might have a shot...

Anyway, sorry there is nothing for me to help - this is spot-on the way it is.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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